A time to change for Him

Finally the journey is coming to an end.. the journey in which i have been striving hard for all along the way, and the journey which has also brighten and opened up my eyes to so many things that i have not known before entering innova. I must truly say that i am tired already. but im certainly enriched by how God has brought me through these 2 years all along the way.

These days i have been pondering alot as i watch the tv. what if 2012 is really the year in which the world end? what will become of me and my family and all those i care about? Will i end up in heaven? Have i been running this race that is worthy to be His child? i tend to think quite abit about it. 

Then i realised there's so much to change in my life and so many dark areas in which may be displeasing to God. And i realise there's so much to learn as well. each day, im at awe of how God can use His creative ways to speak to me and how He crafts the way out. but the sad thing is i always only realised that its God working at hand only after i've been through the whole episode and realised that i didnt trust Him enough.

so this season, its time for a change. these days i have met with encounters that i use to flare up upon or become so short tempered about, but whenever im in the midst of it, i was able to tell myself, make a change so that the outcome will be different, or try to attempt to reply or handle the situation without being angry. so i guess i should start with the everyday lifestyle kinda method. it havent been easy to face disappointments or even sometimes anger, but i pray i will overcome it sooner or later. i never know it could be so hard. everytime, i face with disappointments or when some things dont go the way i though they would, i take a deep breathe and think of what i should do. i give in, i change the approach and say its alright. but then these days i have been getting really painful sunken feelings in my lungs like something nudging and seems to be some kind of hollow within me. i guess whenever i vent it out, the feeling is suppressed by the venting out and all.. keeping it in isnt easy, but at least the outcome would be better than it used to be..

yap, so change, constant change and relying on the One who never changes would be the best that i can do i believe. im down to my very last paper next thurs (1st dec) and after that, its really again a time and period for trusting in God of where He will bring me next. Whether or not it will be the place of my choice, im learning to see what doors He will open next and hopefully gain new insights again. everyday, there's a reason to be thankful because each day is filled with opportunities to change and even  use the chances He give us to make a small difference in our lives as well as to the lives of others.

Give thanks (: (: 

No matter who your boss is, you are really working for God.

Whether a not, we have a human figure to act as an authority, we still do our best. Because at the end of the day, God is the one who sees our true effort. Man cant see beyond and its easy to fool men, but its never possible to fool God. yap. and that really encourages me because it tells us that even at times when we are faced with difficult authorities whom we have to submit our commitment to, it can be rather tiring and exhausting when the authorities seem to make life difficult. but then again, we that in mind, we can be encouraged that even when men dont see our efforts or dont appreciate our efforts, God does. And for that, i can be thankful.
These days i have been experiencing rather bad headaches and they can cause me to be so vulnerable at times i seem to lose my balance, but i thank God for sustaining me and bringing me through the long hours at school (: its the last week of school and my last official week at innova Junior College already. its amazing how time flies and all..
haha yap yap. just wanted to share what came upon me as i read odb today (: its time to study, but this time study with the right mind and to study for Him and not for men. (:

what happened?

Today school was alright. it has always been for me and 1031A but the only thing wasnt good was the results and yah how the day started and ended for the school hours. im not too sure exactly why im feeling this way as well or why am i reacting the way i did towards him. i think im being really unreasonable and unfair to him. im just selfish to be exact. 

Recently, i've suddenly realised i seem to be missing the life of being single, of being unattached. i know its really wrong to say that. but its my point of view in general. hmmm i guess i have never been tied down before so i never knew it felt this way. in the past, when i felt terrible during the day, i need not explain to someone or like i can just walk away because im not accountable. But now, somehow everything i do, i have to be accountable, i have to make sure that he is alright with it and i have to be conscious of the things i do and some how there seems to be a limit to it. and i feel i am not doing very well in terms of adapting to it. 

everyone knows the van that is all cherry and hyped up, but at times, i come across moments when i feel down and totally not right, and i like the time i spent alone and all and i need not explain to anyone because i need my space. but nowadays, when i have to explain, i get even more tired because i just dont feel like talking. which makes everything else worse because im starting the fire.

anyway today is one of the days that i seem so depressed all of a sudden and i just cant put a name to it. in front of my class i seem fine because when i see them, somehow that feeling just fades... but after that, it comes back and usually when im alone, i will just be silent and hope it goes.. but then now, when i get silent, i start to hurt him. 

hmmm what am i to do? today's odb talks about renewing our mind and even redirecting every single thought towards God and how it is important to constantly not rely on our own minds, but rather te holy spirit to do the job. and the useful phrase is " This does not meet our needs at this time, or ever" it makes sense. especially in times when we envy, or worry. 

i've got so much to learn about being a child of God. but im glad because today i was able to control and turn away from the temptation. which is a sort of a tiny achievement i guess (: will keep working on it. 

If you use what little you may have
To serve the Lord with all your heart
You will find that He can do great things
When you begin to do your part. —Sper

Character Amnesia

Some people appear to have “character amnesia” of a different sort. When faced with a dilemma, they seem to “forget” the right thing to do and instead choose the easy way out.
i wanna be like job, who refused to curse God no matter the circumstance. And to remained filled with the "blameless" character. 


It isn’t the tranquil and placid seas
That bring out the sailor’s skill;
It’s the wind and waves that pound his ship
And toss it about at will. —Ritter

my heart has turned cold

After all that has been said, after all the years of teaching me what is right from wrong, after making sure ur baby girl was a pure as gold and as clean as chalk, after teaching me the bible values and after all the love u guys have showered, I still disappointed you in the end. I'm sorry. 

In the secret, in the quiet place, in the silence, i knew that You were God, but i failed You time and time again.For all the plans You've made for me, i chose to turn away at the end of the day.. i asked myself why many times.. why, even though i know what i'm supposed to do and the things i should not do... but yet, i fall back time again and then choose to take the path that would stray further away from You. 

And now i feel so cold. i feel that i've lost You. 

You've sent so many warnings. through the people, through the net, through the sermons, through the ministry and through the world. but You still gave me a choice. You taught me to be "in the world, but not of the world". but then... it seems like im drowning... and somehow what dan said was so right.. as you get further and stray away, you lose the voice of God and u cant hear Him anymore. thats when u stray even further...and u play with a greater fire. 

but the bottom line is, repentance. at the end of the day, God will still accept those who love Him and those who choose to admit their wrong doings... maybe i've taken advantage of that. the more i play, the more i feel that its alright and the more i let the world's temptation come upon me, the bigger the fire i choose to play with. but now, im burnt. and the worse thing, empty. 

I guess thats human nature. we all have a manual in our hands, a teacher to guide our steps, parents to share the experiences,a church to pray for us but its never enough. we have to test the waters and we have to play with the fire before we know the depth and the heat that could cause us hurt. and this time, i can feel it.. so many encouragements and talking and praying, they all seemed to have gone down the drain. and maybe those expectations too...

i havent been posting because i know i have failed God. i havent been spending time with Him because i know i wasnt faithful. i dont want to turn to Him for prayer request because i dont think i deserve it at all and i dont think im worthy of His hearing too... so i chose to live life without Him. but to realise it was all the bad situation and the worst decision ever. 

it took me like months to realise that only now. to realise that without God, life is lifeless. once in awhile things float in my mind as reminders, just like the angel and devil thingy in our heads. but nowadays, somehow the angels seem to have given up hope on me alr. and the devil need not even turn up because i give in.. 

i've turned cold towards God i know that full well. but i dont think im gonna let that continue anymore because it high time to get back up and know what to do. which is why, i chose to post this. 

i guess i used to have high expectations. but then as i grew older and my life got more mediocre, they died down. time to get back now and realise whats more important and not to be preoccupied. and of course, not giving anymore excuses for all im doing.

but at lest through these, i've learnt what it feels like to be empty and the painful a fire can be...today is a great lesson learnt, a real big one. a blessing in disguise i guess. 

in the midst of prelims now, quite a bad timing for this to happen, but somehow its good that its happening now  before it gets too late i guess.. 

i'm sorry. 

It falls into place.

Today somehow, things just fall into their places so perfectly (: and yah yah im glad it did...
supposed to go for midnight cycling with lync but in the end i didnt go to accompany mum at home. And had a good night's rest and woke up to go marketing and grocery shopping with mummy (: had a great time learning bout how to cook new dishes like steaming the fish and like picking the veggies to cook for dinner today.. yap although the wet market can get alittle messy or stinky, i just love the scene of housewives buying ingredients to prepare hot piping food for their families and like i somehow look forward to doing such stuff in the future..yap and had mummy-daughter time to day alot...we had macs breakfast and went to NTUC later to shop for other stuff the wet market dont offer.. yappies.. and then came home to walk alittle but of tv and all... and time flies and it time to cook for dinner (: mum just has a wonderful and special gift to cook (: i wish i could had some of her cooking genes. haha.. yap and then supposedly, i planned to study but then had to pick E from the airport at first.. but, got a call from A at the right time that the arrival of our Queen was actually at 5 in the morning.. it cant get any better i guess.. so now i've got time to mug for math and complete my work... (: its great how it falls into place.

time to spend time with my Heavenly Father...

How can you be more like Jesus if you dont know Him?

The only way to know more about this awesome God we are serving is through the word. If er do not read the word daily, how are going to tell others about Him when we are not even familiar?

"For the word of God is sharper than any double-edged sword, piercing to the division of the soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." Hebrews 4:12

for it is said, " when we read His word, God speaks"

After reading God's word, i realised that is so much about God that i didnt know even though i've been a christian for the past 10 years. and its just how amazing God can be from the Word. And sometimes its just funny how the random passage i came about could relate to me so much even though it was written thousands of years ago. Daniel said: "God's word is shallow enough for a baby to swim in, but also deep enough for a diver to never reach the bottom." its really true i think. and this quote is just ironic. but thats the same thing about God. He is ironic. He died on the cross when He knew He had a choice, He went through all the pain although He had a choice. He chose fishermen as His disciples. He lived a life like any man although He was God. Thats just how amazing his God we're serving is.

Today's material has taught me about how there exist's people who are lost in the father's house. And we all hide behind one's principles. i guess i have been too human in the recent days. When i knew prayer was the most important thing, i took it for granted. When i know reading the Word was important, i overlooked it at times. I have been wayward at heart. And these few days the fasting material has amde me go through alot of self-reflection and now i seem more sober about the state i am in. And i think its a good to realise it now that maybe i have taken my faith for granted and now the relationship is cold. Someone told me this " If anything is taking you away from God, it has to be removed immediately" many quotes have been like some sort of an alarm clock ringing to me that its time to go home now and i think its time to stop the procrastination and really start to look back to God.

it does not matter how much effort you put to make others see what you do, but it matters what lies on the inside of you that only God can see. Because man looks at the outer appearance, but God looks at the heart.

Give thanks for friends around who have slowly taught me the way back to Him.

The Greatness of our God- Hillsong

The Greatness of our God

Verse 1:
Give me eyes to see
More of who You are
May what I behold,
still my anxious heart.
Take what I have known
And break it all apart
For You my God, are greater still.

CHORUS
No sky contains,
No doubt restrains,
All You are,
The greatness of our God.
I spend my life to know,
And I'm far from close
To all You are,
The greatness of our God.

Verse 2:
Give me grace to see
Beyond this moment here.
To believe that there
Is nothing left to fear.

That You alone are high above it all.
For You my God, are greater still.

CHORUS 
No sky contains,
No doubt restrains,
All You are,
The greatness of our God.
I spend my life to know,
And I'm far from close
To all You are,
The greatness of our God.

Bridge:
And there is nothing
That can ever separate us.
There is nothing that can ever
separate us from Your love.
No life, no death, of this I am convinced.
You my God, are greater still.


And no words can say, or song convey,
all You are the greatness of our God.
I spend my life to know,
And I'm far from close
to all You are,
the greatness of our God.

I guess a relationship without God is pure empty

Im starting to realise how important it is that God is the centre of a relationship. Be it between friends or even in a BGR relationship. When God becomes and is the centre of the relationship, somehow or another, problems or even issues will be resolved because God is in the picture.
1. When either of them gets angry, they pray and they know that its not right to let the sun go down with your anger
2. When times arent right, they know that God is there to pull them through
3. When the world walks out, God walks in
4. When somehow one side is at fault, we learnt to forgive, because He forgave.
5. When ideas clashes, we turn to God's idea
6. When there is nothing left to say, we talk about the wonders of God.
7. When either is down/ sad/ empty/ tired, we use the Word of God to bring Life back
8. When no one understands your thoughts, God will be there to listen to them
9. When it gets so difficult to sleep at night, His peace will be there.
10. When the journey gets rough, He sends people around you to bring you joy and peace which only God can give
11. When the argument does not gets resolve, one takes a step back and asks God:" teach me,O lord"

Without God, a relationship would be meaningless and dry because only with God can there be life and only He who created life and bring joy and hope to this life we're living.

Everyday come and go but i hardly take a break and marvel at the awesome wonder of God. i get blindly by trying to do the things the world demands. trying to maintain the grades, trying to be one of them, trying to ensure that im someone worthy of respect, trying to ensure that poeple sees me as a happy person, trying to spread myself so thin.

but at the end of the day, " we hit a ceiling and realize that in fact there is nothing there."

why didnt i learn to see it beforehand? why didnt i take a closer look at what God wanted? why do i tend to wait til i've stepped into it before i realize it was wrong? why didnt i trust God enough.

i've learnt that there's so much for me to learn and yap today is the start of the 40 day fast and prayer thingy. time to start getting back to God i guess. its high time i've been slipping past and trying to go by each day as though i have many more to come....

van

What would Jesus do?

Attended Daniel's BB presidential award ceremony at the Istana (: really really happy for him and im glad to be a witness there to see him get it and im sure daddy God is really happy too.. somehow i dont know why but it just feels surreal and i cant imagine myself being in his shoes, neither is it possible i guess. but with God, indeed everything can be made possible.

Also met Daniel's mentor today, Uncle Oliver and something he said really was a enlightenment. He said: " if something is easy, it wouldnt be call a miracle." thats so true and i cant agree enough. Seeing Daniel grow under the guidance of Uncle Oliver, i really sometimes wished i had a mentor like him. someone so close to get and someone who is whole-heartedly out to serve Him and him alone. He is indeed a man of God. Yap yap... although time was sacrificed to go for it, i think its worth it.

Looking back at myself im always ashamed because people tell me i've got alot of potential but i know that i tend to not work hard enough to reach that capability of mine and somehow take it for granted. which is why there is still so much to learn from people like aaron and daniel. When Dan's mummy said that "daniel is blessed to have friends like you all," i disagree when she refer to me because i feel that im more blessed to have a friend like dan and A and of course E. Its always so easy to drift away from God and somehow, they kept me going. and they are the reason why i have been able to stand firm in the faith that i have in Christ because they are faithful and thankful in the small things.

Life group has really taught me so much about Christ and the love of God that im really thankful for and i believe the journey would have been meaningless if not for LIFE. And i think its high time i get back to God again after lingering for abit here and there... hmmm no more time to waste i guess and its time to really study for Him and Him alone...

Many are struggling to live because they fail to know the real meaning of life...What would Jesus do?

van

Its far from easy, but we are not alone.

its easy to claim the name of Christ and say " Im a christian." but then it takes far more than that. and i realised we have the tendency especially in times of trials we neglect the wonders of God and i totally agree, we lose the wonder of our precious God. And i've really been vulnerable in my faith these days, which is unhealthy i guess. but today is the start of term 3 and we had morning devo as usual before the start of the day and i thought it was great because its a little booster before our Prelims 1 start..

Aaron shared: Hebrews 12: 1-2

"Therefore , since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus , the founder and protector of our faith,who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."


mugging for bio...
van van (:

It gets tougher.

Today is the first time, i think we really quarreled. and it hurts badly Daddy God.

its 2.26am and i cant sleep.

van

We grow strong in the Lord as one

"that is, that we may be mutually encourages by each other's faith, both yours and mine"
-Romans 1:12

Life without God is meaningless

I've come to realized how much i have left God out of my life many many times in many occasions of my life. and im tired of being dry and dehydrated with the word and all. But nonetheless, attending ACTS  centre on sunday really allowed me to see how wide or big the magnitude of God's love is. and im way guilty for what has been said,. that we fail to want God more and to be hungry for Him. And i've come to know that i need God so much more in my life. and im tired of standing alone in the battle where i clearly know who i can rely on.
life hasnt been smooth and many a times i wanna give up on the current road im going and try to search for alternatives that are realistic in my family, something that i can show results in and will not end up disappointing my parents. but for now, i've yet to come up with anything but to face with the status quo. Though its dreadful, its tiring, but im hanging in there every single day of my life. And the worst part is, im falling back without God.
Going through morning devotions with LIFE has been rather a mere reflection of how far i was from God and how human i was in the world. But going through it, i've learnt to come out stronger and to emerge having to trust God so much more..
The journey ahead can be tiring i can foresee and i know that there things that people out there do not agree with me doing, but nonetheless, im willing to give it a try and to let God bring me through this episode. im afraid of failing and falling and to face with disappointment, but i know that He has a plan. and all we have to do is to be willing to let Him be the planner.
Thank God for how much he has seen me through so far and how much He has been taking care of my family.
Wont have much opportunity to blog because life has been really hectic with school work.

ever praising Him,
Van

God's last command, our first concern! (:

The King- the musical

Really amazed about how God works, and how the right time just falls into place...and yap how this musical really touch my heart.and also touched the hearts of many around me.
God works in ways i cannot see and at times when i seem to be away from God, He pulled me back close to His heart once again.
Although many christians out there have already known about the story of Christ and how He was crucified on the cross, but somehow as life gets busy we ( that includes me) start to live our own lives without God and at times, we turn against God and once again, we are like those people shouting : "crucify Him"... time for reflection van...

Thank God for sustaining me through

Thank God for the rest i had from the illness i was suffering from the past two days. Though not fully recovered, but i am thankful i got a chance to really recuperate and rest. And today, returning to school, i am so glad to be freshen up and ready to absorb whatever the lecturer/ teacher was teaching and i did not doze off or felt sleepy at all (: so i am so glad hahah. and yes i am glad to be able to be happy and the day went well.
i guess what i need to learn right now is to rely on God even in the sad times. i tend to brood on the sad things and like fail to fully rely on Him. But actually its not that i dont, but im still weak i guess. i cry not because im sad, but because im lost and im crying to the One up there who hears every word i say in my heart and who sees each tear that falls.
tomorrow is the day i face the teachers, but somehow i feel a sense of peace within me i havent felt in awhile and i am utterly amazed because i am calm and not flustered (: i hope this continues til tomorrow (: haha
okee time to go to bed and rest cause me still sick (:
vanvan

Dear GOD, bless those who are sick in mind, spirit and body and grant them speedy recovery. (: may they find strength in You and will recover soon (: Amen.

Only You Lord, only You

Completed 6km (: its the first time i ran all the way to bukit pangjang ten mile junction. Although at around 2.5km plus the shin splint hurt real badly and my leg felt like it was on fire, i managed to lift it up to God and as i kept on running, the pain started to fade and soon after, it was gone. Thank God for bringing me through the whole course (: managed to finish it within 1hr 15min.
Though its like way below my target, at least i believe its a good start. And His strength is ever sufficient for me to keep going no metter how tough it may be (: and only He can grant me the due comfort i need. It was a great time sweating out and like clearing my mind from the tiring school day

van

Evangelism

Not evangelising = fear??  does it really mean that? hmm yesterday during LIFE!, the topic was on evangelism and it was a great awakening to know how strict our God can be especially when we are talking about speaking to others Him. However, as easy as it may seem, i find it tough to speak up. And partly is due to the fact that i have a lack of knowledge about His word. But more importantly, i feel im not worthy. Not worthy to be able to speak of His word and i feel i need to do something about my life before i can speak. because we need to need be living sacrifices for Him. hmm but i know its no excuse to refrain from speaking of Him to others.
But wouldnt it be ironic if we went around speaking and telling others about our great God but at the day, we ourselves dont make it to Heaven? that would be really saddening.

but anyway, i decided to share on this because today's QT also speak of speaking of the truth to others and i somehow got an ans to a doubt i always have.

"The purpose of sharing God’s truth is to profit others, not to prosper ourselves." 


This certainly reminds us that not only must we speak to others about Him, we need to be careful not to misrepresent God's truth and not to do it just to  benefit ourselves.


van van

He speaks in many ways

this month alone, the verse pops up for 5 times already. Coming from all sorts of people and places, i get this verse and it seems to be a alarm clock i have been snoozing. hmmm...

"Not everyone who says to me, Lord, Lord will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of the Father who is in Heaven." -Matt 7:21

van van.

Running the race

Managed to sign up for Great Eastern 10K again (: this year, its held earlier and its gonna be another goal i look forward to i guess. time to start training again (:
everything is the same except this year i will be running alone. E wont be around to pace me but im still gonna go for it and run for God (:
Let me run for You and You alone i am doing this for.

Great Eastern, here i come (: hahaha
van

Controlling retaliations

My Dad always said that if you stretch a rubber band too hard, it will either snap your fingers or break. 
One day it will break if we choose to keep pulling.

 hmm it feels great waking up in the morning and the first thing to do is to read His word and start the day right with Him. Woke up this morning at Anne's house and the first thing that came to my mind was not "what's for breakfast." or "what am i gonna do today" or "What am i gonna wear.." but rather, i turned on ODB and did my QT.. somehow i suddenly got that urge to do so.. haha. yap and i sat there while everyone was still sleeping and started reading.
Today's theme was about retaliation and somehow, God was telling me no matter what happens during the day, dont retaliate. and yap makes sense there.. hmm..yappies

"Lord help me not retaliate
When someone wants to pick a fight;
Instead, give me the strength and the faith
To show Your love and do what's right."
- Sper

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; fools despise wisdom and instruction" Proverbs 1:7

Love God, love the family

What more can i say? nothing. Today i got the news that i failed HCE and that mummy and daddy has to meet the principal and all. hmm although there is a certain amount of stress, somehow im learning to divert the stress into motivation.
Dad came into my room just now and decided to talk to me. And im really thankful for parents like them because they dont stress me up with school work neither try to control my life. And all daddy asked was if i needed help. All these years, no matter how tight we may be financially, they would somehow get the amount of money to help me sign up for tuitions and all. And what more can i ask from such understanding parents. All they asked is for me to give my best. Never As, never demanded their daughter to be a top student, never scholarships, not even a placing in school. They just wanted the best out of me.They just wanted me to take responsibility of this life im living.  And the only goal that daddy has in his life is to see his daughters go into uni and most importantly, to love God.
It gives me a great sense of guilt to disappoint them. And i know i have to work so much harder. I guess its time to wake up now and stop running away from the fact that A's is drawing near, but rather really study for God.
I hope i can really recover from having the phobia of exams and tests because they arent healthy, but rather that these phobias be converted to the affirmation of Christ that He will watch me and everyone else through this journey. And yap, no more excuses.The fact that im typing this post clearly shows im being naughty again because i should be asleep by now and not on the com.


"Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet i will not forget you." Isaiah 49:15

God’s love for us is as expansive as the open arms of Christ on the cross.


Thank God for parents!
love, van

Love

         I love this wallpaper, randomly found it from tumblr and once again im reminded about loving others as yourself. yesterday, i got the valentines day note from my classmates and i just cant stop reading them over and over again because i am so touched by the words that they say.. hahah and i cant stop smiling whenever i read them. and i really want to thank God for this bunch of awesome friends, maybe more then that cause we've been through so much more.. but i have really grown alot more not just as a student but also alot more in Christ.
       Yap, anyway, friday was the tea session with the JC1s and i had loads of fun. but more then fun, i enjoyed hearing the testimonies of Dan and Aaron, and it sort of gave me a hard awakening call to tell me i need God in my Life more and i need to feed on spiritual word more. yap yap.
       ITS SABBATH AGAIN and its late so i think i shall head to bed now so i can be on time to enter God's kingdom. yappies yappies.
        Good night.
love, van

All we do is trust Him

              
                 This morning, God took 5 year old Nathaniel home with Him. Although the first thing i heard the news, i asked," why?, Why Nat? He's 5 and he belongs to a family so complete, why....?" But the next minute, i knew i had to trust what God had in mind. He has His reasons for taking him away from all of us. Nat struggled the past few weeks. He couldnt talk, couldnt react, couldnt understand. Hearing mummy talk about how Nat had been these few days, my heart sank. Nat's 5 and he's a brilliant boy whom i knew would grow so strong in the Lord. And auntie Dorris is one woman i really look up to. She is strong emotionally, physically, psychologically and most of importantly, spiritually. I have never seen a family so complete like theirs. Laura who is only 2 is bright, Amanda who was just born is not even a year old but they are complete. Why hit on a family so complete? I truly do not know the answer, but i know for sure its because God knows they are strong enough to handle which is why He chose nat. Looking at them, im at a lost because i cant digest the fact that Nat has went home. But maybe mum's right. Maybe its a better choice to take him away now, so he dont have to face with the hardships of the end times. Maybe ....
              God works in ways we cannot see. But He will make a way for the family. They have fought a good fight, they have finished the race, but all they need is to the faith right now to know that God is in control. And i know He is..
              Once again, it brings forth the thought of how important it is to cherish the ones beside us before something strikes or hits us real hard. Once again, im reminded of the need to be strong in the Lord because when times like this crashes down on us, we need to trust. And we all need to grow deeper and stronger in the walk so that we dont fall and are not shaken.
             Its always sad to depart, but Nat is in a better place.

van

JOURNAL TIME (:

After talking to sarah, im so glad im back on the track and yap i have gotten really good tips from her (: so i decided to start journaling.. again. haha. i use to attempt having to journal every night, but yap, it always failed because i will not have the time to write an entry and all, and soon, the journal becomes dead. haha yap. but im so confident this journal will last. its been good having to write 5 entries now. at least it gives me time to reflect on the day and what went wrong and how to overcome it.. its good i feel. Although in the first place i started this blog so to write down and pen down thoughts and incidences, i realized there are things that are personal and the blog is not  suitable place to pen it down because i do not know who actually reads this blog (: haha. but this blog will still be a platform for my testimonies and things that happen in my everyday life. (:
today i decided to take a break and rest. really rest  because the swelling on the ankle totally hasnt gone down yet and its like getting bigger.. sigh. but maybe its a blessing in disguise to help me rest i guess.yap and partly also because last night was one of the craziest nights i've hard. i was struggling with the tiredness and the amount of work load. i finished econs essay, then i went for a nap, woke up at like 1 plus, attempted the geog essay and went back to sleep again at 2 plus and the next thing, i woke up at 3.30 to complete math tutorial...it was war. haha. everytime i dragged myself out of  bed, i was like a zombie. and im seriously never gonna let that happen again. and though yes i completed all my work but everything in my body told me i really need to sleep. so yap, this morning i decided to rest. sigh though its a pity im missing out alot in school, but i think i need rest.
this week was interesting because its like trying to catch up on all the assignments and tutorials. but im so glad to friends like dan and su and faaqih, cause they totally helped me alot with coping with all these loads. so much work to do, so little time, but God has it all in control.
oh oh and i manage to do up a new new year resolution for 2011.. although its alittle late, but im glad its up..
thank God that its friday once again and thank God that life has been manageable this week (: and God has been so real in terms of the things i encounter in school and all.

"Peace i leave with you; my peace i give to you. Not as the world gives do i give to you. Let not your hearts be troubles, neither let them be afraid."  - John 14:27 ( from A)

yappies. time to start studying now, although its a rest day (: catch up on all the lectures (:
love, van

What doesn't hurt is not worth sacrifising

        
               It hurts badly that i have to come to a point such as this, but i give thanks for God has impressed upon me that i am doing the right thing although its gonna hurt so badly and i know for sure. The week that has just past was really one of the craziest week i have ever had in innova and things happened so quickly, i barely had the time to think. But what i am so glad, is that no matter what happens, i can sense the peace of God around me. And i believe this incident is another lesson learnt for me and because of this incident i once again come to realize that i am that vulnerable and i need God more then i know.
             The past 3 days was a great struggle, being caught between the knowing whats gonna happen on monday and trying to act like im still real happy and nothing is wrong. But i truly give thanks to God for the people He has put in my life. i thank God especially for E. Having her around gives me that double portion of comfort and assurance that God is in control and i am so glad for she truly understands how i really feel. Although she is far away, i am glad we have skype and i can talk to her on the phone as if she is still in yew tee. And after talking to her, things seem to become so clear and its as if the fog had lifted. What i was confused about does not seem to be much of a problem anymore (: I would also like to give thanks for sarah, her guidance and support assures me that what i am doing is right and i know what is coming ahead is gonna be tough but through her, i've learnt that God had a purpose for me to go through this. And im glad i took the opportunity to talk to Sarah, and being able to hear from her point of view. I am so grateful for each of them, even A and Dan for they are truly God's warriors to me, never shaken, and will never stumble.They are indeed a great example of men following God's very own heart and i must say at times i feel guilty for i havent been able to live a life always pleasing to God and their lives have always been a great inspiration for me. LIFE has indeed made life so much easier and so much livelier (:
            Through this incident, i myself am amazed by how i actually went through it all. And its so different going through it and having a first hand encounter. And im glad i pulled myself back in time, indeed God is full of surprises...

love, van
currently feeling really sick and didnt make it for church today because of the fever and headache and cough... ):

"For i have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer i who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life i live in the flesh i live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20

I'm tired

Its friday, give thanks (: (: (: but im so puzzled with the things that comes my way but all i can do is lift it up to God. And i dont know what else to say already. im lost for words and i think im just too tired . but God works just at the right time. just in time before i got into all that reflection that makes my self esteem fall, thank God for friends and these are the people i guess that keeps me going. frankly, its because of all the encouragement and texts that i can survive through all these huhas....and politics. but it just comes in time. so i am really thankful, although like i admit that time si dont spend enough time with them, but i am really thankful that they are always there at the right time and right place. so yes, i am tired now.
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and i will you rest."
Matthew 11:28

I stand in awe at His marvelous plan.

               Its day 2 at school and its open house (: had a wonderful experience i guess. i was able to know abit more about my school God had put me in..haha. But something that was awfully amazing was how i met two girls that made my day. Throughout the open house, i was running around like a mad woman, form the band room to the tennis booth to the foyer and the cycle goes on..yah dah yah dah. and then something in me just said, why not volunteer as a tour guide since they are short of people..so i just randomly saw these two girls and decided i shall help out. and they are from Christ church sec that so happens to know Dan. And it was an amazing time talking to them. But the most amazing thing, was hearing dan talk to them. Sitting there, i felt like i could learn so much more and it just constantly reminded me of how perfect His plan was and how imperfect the plan i had for myself was. 

                Looking at the young ones reminded me of the old times while i was contemplating. and one thing i forgot in the midst of choosing the JC, was to ask God where He wanted me to go. I put down each choice only to think about my feelings, my thoughts, the future i thought i had in mind. And i left Him out of the picture. And i forgot that i was His child, which so coincidently, i am a student. And yap, now i know that and i have come to realize that God's plan is so much better then mine. But i guess its not too late to realize that now. 

               I am really glad to have met people like dan, a, han and definitely E...oh and of course loyld, ca and sarah. life in IJ has been so interesting with them around. 

               I am thankful for where i am today and i dont regret ending up here. But what i need to start doing is to commit my studies to the Lord and to study for Him instead of the future i have for myself...

time to go to bed to prepare for the long day ahead.

"Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up their wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."  Isaiah 40: 30-31

van 

DAY 1 at school

It feels great to be back at school once again. (: great to see happy faces and joyful smiles. im glad our class made it to j2 together. and i am so thankful for our new CT. she is so nice and sweet, and i think our time in jc2 will be fruitful.
Apart from that, i am glad the day was in the Lord's hands. Day 1 started off pretty well (: while walking to the mrt form home in the morning, it was so nice that i couldnt resist smiling to myself about what a great day it was to rejoice in the Lord. And its one of the very few times where i could feel that peace in me. And it was great lifting the day up to Him right from the start of the day. It really gives a kick start to whatever is coming ahead. After lifting up the day to Him, it seems like there is nothing to be worried about, neither is there anything to ponder about. Simply because my day is controlled by Him who is the most reliable one and He would plan best (:
Today, we were deployed to various secondary schools to publicize IJ to the sec 4s. And i was sent to CHIJ St Joseph Convent. i wont forget this school i think. i can still vividly remember that this school was my 5th choice during that JAE year when i was opting for my sec sch... its culture reminds me so badly of st marg's and of course it brings me back to the time when i was sitting in the hall waiting for the results to be released. it was a scary experience when you see the expressions on the faces of others. the joy, the sadness, the disappointment, the excitement, the confused emotions, the sighs of relieve and the prayers of thanksgiving. the atmosphere was super tense, just like today as well. Hearing the principal talk and go.."girls, you all have come thus far..", "girls, let us take a moment to say a short prayer to God for the past year".."girls....". those felt like i was back in st margs where the word of God could be so freely spoken. missing those times (: sadly i didnt get to go back to st margs, but i am happy to be able to walk into CHIJ SJC at least once in my life (:
Alright then, tomorrow would be a bee-ing busy day..ITS IJC OPEN HOUSE 2011. haha (: and i have lots to do. Playing for the band during open house, and i hope it goes well (:
good night

CrazyforGod,
van

Psalm 51

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

For i know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
Against You, you only, have i sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

Surely i was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Cleanse me with hyssop,
and i will be clean;
wash me, and i will be whiter then snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steasfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Then i will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
Save me from the bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare you praise.

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

This psalm is my prayer through it all. Create in me a clean heart, that i might not sin against You, but instead, my life will honour You.

van

Learning to forgive is like turning on a switch in someone's life

Three days ago, i bought a poster from popoular and it says " A happy relationship is made up of two good forgivers". That really touched me like on the spot. As if its love at first sight with the poster.haha..anyway, i think its a good reminder for each one of us that we need to learn to forgive ourselves then forgive others. Life would be so so much easier and healthier if we learn to forgive one another (: its difficult i understand, but no matter how tough, Jesus also forgave us who are so not worthy of His forgiveness.. what more us?

"Father, forgive them for they know not what they are doing....." Right at that moment, He stretched out His hands and died.

Forgive our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us. As the new year begins, i am surely bound to meet people whom do not agree to the things or decisions i make, but we shall all learn to forgive.

alrighty, time to pack up and head to bed soon because its day 2 of the orientation HGL camp.
love,
van (:

Did i make the right choice by taking a step back?

    
                I think i did. and i guess its high time that i learn to do it myself and not wait for something to happen. obviously deep within i feel that burden of something big emerging, but i know that the words of God is much greater than the words of men. i have chose to taken this path, and i hope that they respect it just like how i respect it so much. i took a deep breathe and decided that this is what i want. or maybe what God has impressed upon me. im not too sure if what i did was really the right thing, but i know there is no turning back after i have sent the mail.
        After returning to Hanoi, many things are different, i feel all of a sudden, out of place and this is when i feel its time to leave. Its been awhile since the thought of leaving the ministry have been on my mind. Or rather, it isnt leaving the entire ministry, but rather its leaving the praise ministry in lync. i dont think its leaving, its taking a break from all the hassle. Taking a break, to be like Mary, sitting at the feet of Jesus and be less like martha... I have been busy trying to serve Him that i forgot that i need to read His word daily and retreat to His side daily. the trip to Hanoi really opened my eyes and increased my sensitivity to God's still voice.
          Leaving is never an answer to ending, its running away. so im not leaving, but rather taking time off to really get right with God. What more this year is a crucial year. And i want to dedicate much more time to studying for Him. Learning to say no and of course learning to allow Him to take first place in my life.
           "God, give me the courage to face whatever is to come in front of me. Be it the gossips, the trials, the temptations, the storms and the rainy seasons..." This year, i want to do something different about my life. i want to make a commitment to God that I will walk closer with Him day by day. Help me not to lose focus of the eternal goal im pressing forward to Lord.
            i give thanks for the sudden courage to click "send" and give thanks for the understanding people around me that really support me in taking that step of faith to make that decision.
             Indeed, 2011 is gonna be different (: i can promise that.

"And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." Colossians 3: 17

love, van

im back (:

Finally back again, and it feels good to be back..just that the moment, TR2309 landed in Singapore, suddenly a flood of burdens came flushing in..haha. i can sense the amount of work waiting for me..and the feeling is terrible. but but but, after going away for 12 days, it was definitely refreshing for me and i feel that the Lord's hand is upon me (: alrighty, i cant post a long one about Hanoi, but i will soon do it when i have settled down more...new room = more packing, big luggage= more packing, school is starting = TIME TO MUG AND COMPLETE ASSIGNMENTS... pout.
TO GOD BE THE GLORY, happy new year (:

love van (a new start!)