Always seeking

I tend to wonder off and almost everyday, i ask myself whats next. Whats nexts in line for my life, for my future, and so on. 

Work has been engaging and exciting despite the steep learning curve and long hours of standing. I do love my job. But when i stop and think about all there is, i wonder, what's next. 

I meet all sorts of people at work everyday. But times when i meet people of my age and i see them carrying notes and wearing tees from various local universities, i sink alittle on the inside. Just a little. And all that emotions would just come flooding through. 

Just last night, dad and i had a rather intense discussion ( which we always do), and he asked me this, just ask yourself this question " What do you think all parents want for their children?". The answer, its simple, yet complicated. Because its easier said than done. And there is no perfect parents in the world. 

And when all of the discussion came to an end, i couldnt stop crying. Not because i was sad or i was disappointed with my dad, but because i was thankful. Thankful for what they have provided. And in all these years, i failed to see their care and love. Yet at many times, i failed to make them proud. 

These days i think alot on my part. About my education, my future, my dreams, my ambitions, basically all about life. But it hurts me so bad to know that I cant make my parents happy and i may sometimes be a burden for them. So, once again its really easier said than done. 

Juggling with work and time with the family has been difficult due to the long hours at work. I hardly get to spend time with them and i should have cherished the times we got to spend quality.. 

Well all i ask for is for our family to learn to just see the intentions at heart. 

Anyways, its just a reminder to me every single to be thankful for all the loved ones around us. And recently the family has just convinced grandma to move in with us and in the near 2 years, there will be changes with the who family dynamics again. I'm sure living under the same roof with so many people wont be easy, but its gonna be really fulfilling.

In the road ahead, im not too sure what to expect, but just like the title, im "always seeking". Always seeking the Lord in the direction to go and seek for answers to the questions i have on my mind all the time. Seeking. 

Yet another decade has passed

In exactly 2 hours from now, im hitting 20.
Though im not exactly sure how im suppose to feel when im really 20, but all i know is, its been 2 decades that i've been alive and im thankful to God for every passing year. The past 19 years fly me by so quickly and i just cant imagine its been 19 years already. And in every year, God never failed to show me how much He loved me.

Between 6th Aug and 7th Aug, on the dot of 12 midnight exactly, He brought me into this world. I was known as cinderella baby due to that reason. But it was then decided after that my birth would be 00:01, on the 7th of August. The very day i was born, i was already special (:

There are indeed countless of moments in my life worth praising God for, but im just gonna list majority some of it. hahaha

7th August 1993: I was given a chance at life
10th August 1993: I survived a major asthma attack but unfortunately had to be fed with milk using tubes through my nose.

..... (i dont really have any striking memory of me when i was 1 to 3 years old)

1997: I entered nursery at the JTC office where grandma worked
7th August 1997: I got my first kiss hahaha.

• Story behind it: When a kid celebrates their birthday, they will give out goody bags and in order to receive it, the other kids will have to give a kiss to the birthday boy/ girl. So i definitely got more than A kiss. Loads of kisses (: hahaha 

1999: We moved into our CCK flat which sis and i had our very own exclusive designed room, one in the whole world haha. And i got into Unity Primary School.

2000: The first time i heard of Christianity when we attended my aunt's wedding at St Andrews

2001: The year i accepted Jesus into my life. 

2003- 2004: I found out that I had the gift in singing. And i started to use this gift from God to serve Him in sunday school. 

2006: With His grace, I got into St Margaret's Secondary School, the school i dreamt of entering. 

And the same year i got into the Symphonic Band which made me fall in love with making music with percussion instruments. One of the best years of my life spent in band practices and drills. 

2009: Although my O level results wont up to what i expected to achieve, but God showed me mercy through it all and i managed to get into Innova Junior College which was a life changing experience.

2010: God taught me how to be humble in my years in JC. He put me into the most loving and compassionate class anyone can get. 1031A. We were like a family. And He changed me inside out from the person i used to be in St margs. One with only the elites mindset and all-so-competitive Van to one who learns to accept all the people around her and one who will be loved by the ones around. And He brought to me LIFE group. The one cell group that watched me grow, watch me fall but pull me back up so very quickly on my feet. And LIFE group was a strong foundation of my faith at that point in time. I cant be ever more thankful. For Sarah, Camerine, Elizabeth, Aaron and last but not least Daniel. On a very night when i was worried about my faith and walk with God, praying for an answer, that very night Daniel texted and asked me to join LIFE group. A prayer answered immediately. 

In Year 1 of JC, God also taught me to go beyond my limits and to help me reach for goals i never knew i got achieve. I was so close to getting a Gold for my NAPHA in JC. Just a lack of 1cm in the standing broad jump which caused me to only fall short to a silver. But that alone was a huge achievement for me already. Back in the old days in St Margaret's, i always had problem even just passing my 2.4km and the 5 stations. i dreaded NAPHA. But in JC, i loved it. And the more i ran, the longer i went. My physical fitness was superb and i all i know was, He made it possible. Then came Tennis. The sport i dreamt of playing because of someone i use to love so dearly, loved it too. So i finally got to realize that dream. And God so graciously put me into the competitive team even though i was rather rusty in the my skills. Furthermore, He made me the vice captain of the tennis team. And also the House captain of rasalas. He gave me all that i could ever asked for. JC 1 was really the time of my life i felt like it was perfect. 

And to top it all off,  i met Alvin. 

2011: Then came the nerves for the A levels. Well somehow results have shown that i could have worked harder. but nonetheless, He brought me through it, and gave me results for econs and geog that i didnt expect. I was happy. And in this year, i found my first love. 

2012: It was a rather roller coaster year with all the admissions for uni, but at the end of it all, I got into SIM econs. The course with the smallest number of students because its the toughest. Without any interview, i was accepted. With that, Im thankful. And of course i made many wonderful friends in SIM. 

2013: The year i decided to give up my course in SIM to pursue my passion in the art industry. But the highlight of it all, i got the job in Paper Market which was always one of the jobs i dreamed of working at. And every day at work is new experience and a new adventure for me to learn more about the wonders of scrapbooking. 

4th Aug 2013: Alv made a wonderful surprise by buying the first 2 stalks of roses for my birthday and surprising me with a bunch of my close friends. 

So to sum it all up, my life has been a beautiful and fruitful one. Though there were always roller coasters, but somehow God made the ride smoother.

The one and only love of my life

Amazing bunch of kiddos who surprised me

Nobody is my soulmate

Came across an article online on this really wonderful blog i discovered on FB and then it seems like all the mud has now cleared and it made so much sense about the whole "God doesn't have that one person all planned out for you" sentiment.

I somehow loved this part of the article very much: "There is no biblical basis to indicate that God has one soul mate for you to find and marry. You could have a great marriage with any number of compatible people. There is no ONE PERSON for you. But once you marry someone, that person becomes your one person. As for compatibility, my mom would always pipe up when my girlfriends and I were making our lists of what we wanted in a spouse (dear well meaning Christian adults who thought this would help us not date scumbags: that was a bad idea and wholly unfair to men everywhere) that all that really mattered was that he loved the lord, made you laugh, and was someone you to whom you were attracted. The rest is frosting." 

And this whole article made so much sense to me about why i chose Alv to be that other half for my life as of now and i hope for the rest of my life. He wasn't that figure whom i imagined to be with, he wasnt that all-so-perfect guy every girl would pray for in their 'dream' guy, but the best thing about him, is that he is just right and perfect for me. And i just love everything about being with him. 

Another part of the article that i really loved, was this:" But now I delight in choosing to love him everyday.

I like it better this way, with the pressure on me and not on fate, cosmos, or divinity. I will not fall out of love, cannot fall out of love, because I willingly dived in and I’m choosing daily to stay in. This is my joyous task, my daily decision. This is my marriage."

"I willingly dived in and I'm choosing daily to stay in. This is my my joyous task, my daily decision." 

If one puts her heart to love a man with all she can give, then there isnt anything else in the world that can stop her in believing that the right one. It takes one to make that decision daily to fall in love with her man and to choose to stay in the game diligently. Its not easy maintaining a relationship, but its not impossible. 

Especially now that Alv's in the army, our relationship can be on the edge sometimes. We squabble, we quarrel, we cry, we fight and all kinds of rough patches couples go through, but at the end of the day, we can come back out of all of it and say that we still want to love each other everyday. I believe thats a important foundation of this relationship. And that we both know that we will want to be a part of each others' lives. Well, that is sufficient. 

I believe this article relates to not just me but to many (christian) girls out there who from at a young age wonder about the man that God has planned for her life. 

Article is taken from: http://theartinlife.wordpress.com/2013/07/22/my-husband-is-not-my-soul-mate/

its a whole new roller coaster ride

Well, where should i begin. hmmm, its been like 2 months now since the decision to leave SIM was confirmed and now im happily settled down into this new job that i just got a month ago. At Paper Market. And as many already know im so into the whole art stuff and creative things that i cant stop getting my hands on to, so i've finally sort of did something im in love with. Days when i go to work, i get to be in contact with all sorts of scrapbooking stuff, explain items to customers, and just being happy i could be part of such a wonderful team of staff who all share the same passion for scrapbooking (: Yap and though its tiring at times, (every job is tiring), but i enjoy working alot.
And after the long hours of work, i do my self-reflections on the long bus/ train rides and i start to be so thankful for my life. Though it isnt perfect, but its worthy of thanksgiving to the Lord. And anyway, who's life is perfect right?
And i've been rather positive about the whole going-on-to-the-next-stage-of-my-life topic and how im just keeping an open mind and trust that God will lead the way.
Just 1 and a half weeks ago, alv's cadets finally came in to OCS and that when all of his time is being sucked up with the commitments to serving the nation. it hasnt been easy coping with the whole being-a-understanding-girlfriend thing, but once again as i think about God and put Him as the focus, being understanding towards all of alv's needs seems to be as easy and light as a feather. And i feel happier myself too. Lesser tears shed, lesser reliance over his presence. And me, feeling more independent on my own.
Well i believe in life, everything is simply about your perspective and how one chooses to view a situation. Just like the cup analogy, you may look at it either that its half full, or half empty. And i choose to view it to be half full. And thats sufficient. As long as you choose to remain positive about things of this earth, a smile wont be too far away.
Time really flies so quickly and now its exactly a week til its my birthday. hmmm what should i be expecting as i hit 20? its really alittle unbelievable that im 20 already.. i guess it hasnt really dawned upon me or even digested in me yet about it. What is being 20 like? telling people that you are 17,18 or 19 is totally different from telling someone that you are ALREADY 20.. really really seriously sounds old. And it would mean having to take on the burden of even more adulthood issues and life matters and go on to think about jobs, careers, and probably, just probably marriage hahaha. hmmm its a bittersweet feeling i believe so. On a certain level, somehow im excited to approach all those stages in my life, like thinking about the kind of work i will pertain, or think about planning about the future and all sorts. Burdens that in the past, i never got to experience. but at the same, with all these burdens comes responsibility, and comes of course, money. hmm bittersweet bittersweet.
Anyways this was a random rant on my blog but its a short update about how life has been for me (:

Taking it slowly, step by step

Its been exactly a month now since i've decided and settled on the withdrawal from SIM. This past month have been a very thought provoking month. Because it wasnt just about quitting SIM, it was about, so whats next.
And i've learnt to take it slowly. Take life slowly i mean, and to embrace it. It hadnt been easy coping, there were moments i thought i made a wrong turn, but there were also moment i would give myself a pat on my back and said, "you were courageous enough to do that, so go pursue what you enjoy." Many many moments that i cant seem to remember now, but that that very particular moment in time, my emotions were all so strong. Be it of joy, of sadness, of guilt, of disappointment. But im glad to be where i am today, and actually, very thankful.
I enjoy being able to do things that i never had the time for, such as sitting at starbucks for hours, not studying or rushing up on contents for a particular school module, but just reading a book i love, or simply sitting there watching the day go by. It was enjoyable. Oh and also going for afternoon swims alone and taking time alone to just be with myself. Love that.
In the past there were many moments that i gave away the opportunity to spend on my own. But i must say, its really, pleasingly peaceful and refreshing.
Now all im hoping for is for Paper Market's boss to give me a call soon about my application on the job so i can get more inspiration about artsy stuff. And i hope its a good sign for my next step to come.

It's never easy to be on the right side of the path, but its NOT IMPOSSIBLE

Recently did this up on my wall as a reminder

Lets see, where did i last end off.
i guess its when news just broke out about my withdrawal from SIM i guess. Although all has been said and done, im left with heading down to SIM to sign the withdrawal papers. and that will be the end of the journey there. Like it never happened before.
But well, the past week or so, i've been heading slowly but steadily into the next phase of my life. Preparing myself to ensure and grasp all possibilities that will affirm my decision to head into the arts. Like arts arts. And im starting to get all sketchy and all artsy.
SO the big question is, "Is this what God has in mind? If it is, where will He lead me to?" These are the 2 questions i ask myself every single day. At least 3 times every hour i can be certain.
The past month, juniors from Innova who just finished a level least year applied for their uni application, and so did Isabelle and Joyce, so did Jasmine and so did Alv. Most of which i heard from were good news, and more thankfully for Alv, he received interviews for both the course he applied for. History and Sports Science Management in NTU. And i accompanied him for the interview for the History course. Sitting there at a random table in the heart of NTU's School of Humanities and Social Sciences, all i could think of is, will this be my future.
And everytime i scroll through facebook, i see many dearly loved friends received their acceptance for local uni entry. And i wonder again. Will i be able to share the same joy in the coming year. Its undeniable that im extremely happy for them, but at the same time, i breakdown alittle on the inside.
Because the past one year of my life, i was literally lost in the wilderness. Alone. God-less most of the time. And i drifted.
So as my heading suggested, its never easy to do what is right in God eyes, because we're all made in perfect, but its not impossible. Because Jesus came for that reason. To make us clean again so that we can turn to God once again. So this coming year, and months to come, its time for a revival.
Whatever its gonna take, i hope it pays off. As much as not everyone will understand and comprehend my decision, as long as i know im fixing my eyes on God, thats the main thing. Not by the eyes of men, but by God's standards. only His will meet the cut.
So im definitely looking forward to what's install for me and my journey ahead.

"The choices you make today, lead to your consequences tomorrow"

Love,
Van

A new beginning, back to square one, but now the right way

 Late night insomnias, troubled mind blown moments, crying myself to sleep, unnecessary stresses and many more, All these have finally came to an end for now. The past months, i have been in a mental conflict about what i was doing with my life; academic sense. Was being in SIM truly where i was meant to be, my heart says no. But i could not come to terms with it and be truthful about it. I just allow time to past and i fooled myself to believe that being there was where i belong.
And after many many months, i finally took the courage to talk to my parents about it. Because i felt like i was huge disappointment to myself and allowing myself to make such a huge mistake ever. Monetary wise, time wise, and all the little efforts they made for me to pursue an education that i desire.
And now, its back to square one. A second chance. Im ever thankful for this opportunity and this time right, i hope im gonna do it the right way. With God in the equation. Where will He lead me to, and where is that place that He has in plan for my future.
So many questions about the whole "Future" issue that sometimes, i get lost with getting worried and lost in just simply thinking of all the possibilities, i forgot to sought after Him and listen to that still small voice of is. And indeed im wrong all the time. Choosing to hold on to my pride, choosing to believe that my ways may be wiser than His. But i never really come to terms, until i reach that dead end and i cant go on any longer.
Nonetheless, getting out of SIM, im relieved because for the past 7 months being there, i dont feel belonged. Out of place most of the time, mentally. Especially in that whole theatre of students who are so clear of that goal, but future, was yet a blur vision. I didnt know where i was heading. i was simply going to any direction i deemed as possible, but not something i desire.
So after receiving the green light from my parents, i've finally started to go towards what draws me. Art. And am planning that few baby steps ahead to bring me closer to where i aim to go. And im happy that i've started to be hungry for His word. Knowing that in His word, i can find peace and calmness in my spirit. Casting all anxieties unto Him. Indeed it feels good to know that you dont have to carry your burdens, but He understands.
I hope that in the near future, whatever that i am about to pursue, i can use it to serve God's people, as His useful tool to bring blessing to many others around.
Yap, so i can never be more thankful for the family in my life and people around me that has made small differences to push me onward to go even further (:

"For i know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

You can make plans, but only His purpose will prevail

Its down to the last month before the Final exams now. And all i can do is lift this up to His hands. I havent done my utmost for the papers that are coming up. And they are like mountains yet again that i have to overcome. Will i fall and tumble like i did? Will i fail too see His hand behind all these obstacles? To take that step of faith and know what is right to do in His eyes. 

To be at His feet and to know that He shall take control of me sitting in that enormous hall. Coming all the way here now and knowing what its like to be empty without Him and to know that without Him, nothing is possible. I guess thats my greatest weakness. That i fear failure. Until the day i learn to face it , until the day i surrender it all to Him and stop trying to be that stubborn van, im gonna keep failing. But how do i go about doing that, how do i let go of that rope that i have been clutching on so tightly with all my might. To be honest, i have no idea. I believe thats the reason why i've encountered the same mountains over and over again. As long as you dont learn your lesson, God will always keep giving you that opportunity to do it all over again, until you learn to overcome it. Not by your strength, but by His might and power. 

"I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears" - Psalm 34:4 

I hope that one day i will be able to share that testimony of how God made it possible for me to excel in my studies. 

No one's gonna clear up your mess for you

How time flies now, and it has been about almost 7 months since school started and in a blink of an eye, im already about to seat for my final exams coming up in May. As much as it may seem like a long time being in school, i have no idea how those months just past like that haha. But nonetheless, being in uni is always an honor to be honest. I'd rather be doing this (studying) for the rest of my life than to face the crude world out there filled with realistic politics and irrational behaviours of mankind.
Being in the position of where i am now, and knowing that after this stage and phase, there is no longer gonna be oh a new school or a new graduation to look forward to. Its no longer that. Its reality. Its worklife. I guess i havent come to terms with that yet, or should i say i still havent come to terms that all that i have been looking forward to when i was a kid, is finally here. All the "being 21 and ruling the world" kind of mindset. It doesnt seem as fun and like a fantasy sort as how i visioned it to be when i was still in my childhood years. And im starting to get the 'how when you're young you cant wait to grow up, but once you're older, you just wanna go back in time'. I comprehend that now. hahaha.
But coming back to the whole "future prospects" issue, where am i heading next? TBH, im not sure yet. Im not sure where im heading, or what my future holds, or who i will be in the future. The next Miss Cheng who teaches Ecnonomics in a random Junior College? Or the next Artist wanna-be somewhere out there? Or a postgraduate furthering her studies in Economics? Or a female Air Force Cadet just trying to make a small difference by contributing to the defence ministry. Those are just some of the options i have as for now.
At times it scares me to know that i cant see the path in front of me. And even if the people out there tells me " I know you can do it", "Come on van, you are so smart please.", or " Just do your best and you will surely make it, i know you study very hard." But deep down, im not too sure if those sentiments are exactly true. Does it really mean that if you try your hardest you will succeed? I havent experienced that yet. But to push out all the negativities, nonetheless, dont give up. As long as you dont give up, there will always be hope.
"It doesnt matter how slow you do, as long as you do not stop." Confucious.
You owe it to no one for your failures or successes, and all you have is yourself. People can be there to guide you, to encourage you, to reprimand you, but if you dont buckle up and push yourself, no one can.
Yap, so its gonna be up to me to roll that dice when the time comes (:
Anyway, done with all the future stuff and school stuff hahaha. Its gonna be another 2 and a half weeks before Alv commission and its such a honour for him i believe. Really happy that he has come thus far all the way from BMT and im really proud for my boy (: hee hee. the past 9 months have been i believe really though for him, but a very humbling experience as well. Where will God bring him to next? Im not too sure either, but wherever God leads him to, it is always the best choice. I believe even for me, without God it wouldnt have been possible to go through these long periods when Alv is not around. Really thank God for friends like Jas and Aaron Chang and my family who made these periods easier to go by. Most of all, God. He just makes all things beautiful and special i guess (:
Recently I bought a new Hillsong United song called "Oceans (Where my feet may fall)" and it speaks of how when oceans rise just like when troubles come upon us, we can trust in Him.
Part of the lyrics, goes like this:

"So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine"

Just like it speaks to me, i know it speaks to many as well. 

Love, Van

Growth and Company

”Throughout life, we will always encounter special people. People who bring us up rather than put us down. Sometimes these people will be your family and others friends. If we’re lucky however, they could be more. Life will definitely have its ups and down. We can’t always be strong, so sometimes we need a helping hand. It’s okay to be weak, it’s okay to not have all the answers to life. Questions without answers are sometimes what we need to become better individuals. The beauty is in the mystery.

We won’t always remember the good times, but we will always remember the bad times. Bad times aren’t so bad because what we remember is really the who. We remember the people who stuck by us through the bad times and helped us along. Those who gave us encouragement and the motivation to hold on, if only a bit longer. It’s the courage we remember. The beauty in the sadness is what we can never forget.

Company; those who we choose to be surrounded by. They define who we are. We emulate what we see, and it’s crucial to surround yourself with positive energy. Those who seek the beauty in who we are rather than the ugliness is what makes your company all the more beautiful. It’s your company I’m so grateful for.”

This post was taken from my dear "jasminelow.wordpress.com" cause i found it so inspirational and cant agree more (:. Credits all to herrrrr (:

A season to be thankful for

Just like that, in a blink of an eye, 2 months is almost over since the start of 2013. And i wonder where did all the time flew to. 2 months into 2013 and im still draggin my feet like i used to in 2012. I still write dates with 2012 at the back, i still feel the same old me, and i dont think the new year has changed any bit about me from 2012.
We're currently in the 6th day of the Lunar Chinese New Year. On the 4th day, all the hyped seemed to have died down already. And life goes back to where it belonged. But for me, im still stuck in that holiday mood i suppose. As much as i know prelims are just round the corner, i cant seem to find that urgency to push for it anymore. I guess thats the aftermath effect of Alevels. During the month before A levels, i worked so hard, pushed so hard that i never imagined myself to. I gave all i had and i had nothing to lose. Late night studying sessions consecutively in school til 9 plus when the auntie's will chase us out and we were the last to go home, all the sleepless nights burning the midnight oil just to revise through over and over again. I guess after all that had been done, the results that came out, didnt really show me much justice. Which is why im tired of pushing. Tired of really going all out. Because i fear. the fear of failure. What if even after pushing hard, the results dont show. What if its just gonna be a mediocre pass. Im not determined to face that circumstance i suppose.
But after all had been said and done, i have made this choice for this course and therefore i have no choice but to stick with it i guess.
*Chasing all the negative vibes away*
Anyway, yesterday was Valentine's Day. The one day in the year which i feel alot for. I guess its the one day in the year that you can outwardly proclaim your love for one another and outwardly hold flowers in public and not get weird looks cause its some sort of "legal". But it was a different case for me. I stayed home all alone on the rainy valentines's day and watched the move "Valentine's Day" and "P.S I Love You" both are such sweet movies and really shows the power of love. Once in awhile browsing through Instagram and facebook and just being happy for all those who had received so much love from their loved ones. All the beautiful flowers and romantic dining. All sorts of ideas and gifts that loved ones prepared for one another. In the movie "Valentine's Day" there was a part that said "When you truly love someone, you love them not just for the part of them that are easily lovable, but you also love part of them that are hard to love, and thats when you truly love someone; when you love every part of them." Those may not be the exact words, but it was something like that. How touching and i cant agree more.
As much as i would have loved to spend the special day with alv, he was "locked" in camp and there was nothing we could do about it. Sooooooo i shall just have to be patient and wait for the up coming years to come where we could spend Valentine's day on the actual day and all other festives after he ORD. But like many have said, if you truly love someone, everyday can be valentine's day. Not just on February the 14th. It simply is just a day to celebrate love, but all other 364 days, should be the same. Yap.
Its down to 2 weeks before the prelims, and i guess its time to start pushing for somewhat something i think will bring me a future. hope to blog real soon again (:
Nonetheless, i believe that in the year 2013, God has something special all planned out for our lives. Its said that we have to be broken down, compressed and moulded in order for God's will to succeed in our lives. As such, it may not be all that smooth sailing ahead, but he promised that at the end of the day we will still be able to find that silver lining. And thats the hope we can trust in. Although ahead of me is such a unclear future, im sure He has it controlled. And thats all i know. To trust that He has a plan.

Love,
Van

Home is where your heart always returns to

Finally we're back to our own home. Actually since sunday we kinda moved back officially. But we've still been trying to settle down and really packing through all the things that is essential. The renovation has taken 5 weeks to complete and i'm just so thankful that its over now. Missed my personal space so much. But im so thankful for our home. You really dont know how much you miss something until you lose it. For the past 5 weeks our family have compromised so much to move into my uncle's place and all of us shared one room. Daddy slept on the sofa every night and i slept on the floor. Nonetheless, its all come to past and at least we're thankful for my uncle accepting us and really providing us with a shelter that we needed.
So we started cleaning the house bit by bit from last friday onwards. The renovation made the whole house all filled with dusts it was terrible trying to clean everything. haha but it was fun i guess. The whole renovation wasnt completed only until yesterday. So while we moved back in, we still had all the contractors coming in in the day to finish up the tiny ends to the reno for our home. And its just amazing how our home has changed. New kitchen which i cant wait to cook and bake. YES! A proper oven that we finally invested in. Its soooooo beautiful hahah. Finally i can really do all kinds of desserts that i've always wanted to try (: and now our kitchen and yard looks like a condominium standard haha. (Not bragging but just exclaiming how excited i am over this new thing at home) And new toilets. They managed to repair the pipe and now our toilet has a whole new look. New tiles, flooring, basin, toilet bowl etc. haha. And also a new shoe cabinet which now currently fits my 55 pairs of shoes. (I never knew i owned that many pairs of shoes until their all laid out and i counted them) yap. and there are other new stuffs at home but i shall just skip them. But down to the bottom line of it all, I'm so glad to be home and now with all the new changes and new looks that we have, it makes me look forward to going home cause its like now our house looks bigger and cleaner (: With all the cleaning done due to the reno, spring cleaning's gonna be slightly easier this year (: which is extremely good news hahaha.
Yap. And also Beach Bonanza and SRC commitments have finally come to an end for this year and its time to concentrate on my studies (: since i decided and chose this path, i shall give my all for it (:

Its down to another 13 days before alv comes back. I dont really know why but this time round with his departure, i feel so emotionless about it. Like my heart kinda has turned cold towards his absence. I guess its for the better. And our relationship has once again reached another milestone. Which is good i believe. It does not exactly feel like my world is tumbling down anymore hahaha. I cant wait for him to be back (: kinda excited to show him our "new" home.

Hmmm i guess with all the changes, it marks a good start for the new year for us. Furthermore, this year is gonna be soooo different i suppose. I cant wait for more exciting moments that God has installed for me and the loved ones around me. Oh yah, Jas seems to be having fun in Bangkok... Me so envious of her haha. I cant wait for her to be back with all my souvenirs hahah.. Hmm how i wish i could shop also.. so many things on my wish list i wanna get. okee im simply rambling on and on.. so thats it for now.

God bless,
Van (:

"For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything." - Hebrews 3:4

Reflections

Like any other nights, i laid on my bed last night, i just couldnt go to sleep or i should say i couldnt let my mind go to rest. Looking back to the time when i made my decisions for the application to university, i realised i made a choice not knowing exactly what i want to do or what i see myself achieving in the near future. What's my aspirations? I remember how i dreamt to be a doctor in secondary school, but then my results could not get me into the class which offered pure sciences. And my direction was made to change. And when i graduated from secondary school, it was a blur vision ahead of me. Where was i heading? O level results was released and yet again, where i hoped to go, the junior college that i was aiming for, was far beyond my reach. And i got accepted into Innova Junior College. It took me awhile to accept the fact that i was there and there was nothing i could to change that fact. Choosing my choice of subjects was also made without serious thoughts and considerations. But shortly not long after school started, i fell in love with what i was doing. I fell in love with Geography. Something i thought i would want to pursue in my future. Studying the wonder of God's creation and just marvelling at the amazing natures of the world. I thought, well its something i love and i thought i found my passion. The environment. But once again, i was rejected of what i hoped for. A level results have once again caused me to make a decision otherwise. And once again, ahead of me is a vision so unclear. It scares me at times to know that im just not good enough for the society i live in. And then there i am, in SIM, in the Bachelor of Science (Honours) in Economics. It started off quite well i suppose. I've convinced myself that i could do this and i will survive through this 3 years and make it out there as a teacher. But as months fly by, i start to realise that if it isnt your passion, there's no way you could force it in. Its the same logic as loving a person. If you dont love the person, dragging on and convincing yourself that you love him, its just simply a lie. And one very day you will wake up from that lie and regret all that you have done. So i'm stuck in this horrible dilemma which i could have prevented. I guess thats my bad habit. Jumping into something i thought could become what i truly wanna do, but shortly after jumping into it, i realised that it isnt what i really wanted. Wasted time, effort, other peoples' time and effort, and most of all, the hard earned money of my parents.
But just like what Jas said, its better to waste money now then to waste your future away. It does make some sense there. I know that its my future at stake. And there's no more time to waste,  no more " its okay im still young to try it all out", its my future. Future.
Knowing that i will have to be responsible for my rash decisions, i will gamble once more. Since i've made the payment for my exams for the coming May examinations, i will do my best, and i mean my best and put my all to completing all the papers. And if the results show a 2nd upper at least, i will choose to stay. But if the results are mediocre, i believe that would be a sign for me to pursue what i believe has been my dream or what i love doing. Art.
No matter where  i went or did or study, deep within, there was always that van who loved art so dearly. I guess the greatest inspiration was from mummy. At the age of 9 i realise art was a form of destress, and doddling and random sketches was just part of me wherever i went. When lectures got boring and dry, i would just do random sketches on my notes. Somehow sketching allowed me to absorb what the lecturer was teaching more so...But i was never given a chance to fulfill this passion of mine. When i was year 2 in secondary school, the principal of SOTA (School of the arts) offered me a placing there, but daddy didnt see a future art could bring. And he thought that it would be wasting a year since i would have to go back to year 1 again and start all over again.
So it is right to fight for what i want? Is it too late to say that? I guess all i was afraid of was disappointing mummy and daddy. I've never stepped out of the boundary. I went the way i deemed as decent of what they expected. Although yet again they didnt expect much of my education. They didnt expect me to top the cohort or get all the As a student could have, neither did they fill my mondays to fridays with extra tuition. Im thankful for them, for all they have done. If only i had the ability to afford my own education. But i dont.
Just like i promised, im gonna give my all for the coming papers and then work from there i believe. So i guess i've got to start now before its too late.

love, van

 PS. I miss you. Hope everything is well in Taiwan.

Here's to a better year ahead

I believe its good to begin this post with a "short" reflection about the year 2012. Hmm where do i start. Firstly, i believe that my life is really really different from how it was in 2011. Gone are those days when i was schooling in a one coloured uniform. And gone are the times when all i was fighting for was for the A levels. The 2012 year has set my life on new platforms and also opened my eye alittle more to the world that exist beyond my imagination. For 6 to 7 months i was school-less and i was as if living on thin air. I had no idea where life was bringing me next. What does my future hold? At that point in time, i was unclear. Rejection letters came in one by one. And i lost hope. And i feared. While everyone was overjoyed with their side of good news. I was shattered. But not all of hope was gone. I was accepted into UOL-SIM, Econs. I was thankful for that opportunity again. Though i may not be coping well as i thought i would and at times is still shaken by the fact that people have prejudice against students from SIM, im still thankful and grateful for the vacancy. On the other hand, our journey at St Andrew's (SAC) also took a twist. Since i started my journey at SAC, i always thought that that was where i belong. And thought that that was home. But life really surprises you at times when you least expect it. Now our family has began our new journey at Redemption Hill Church. A small yet warm church. There are many expatriates there with their families but yet it feels nice to be there. (: Next, from a family of 4, now i'm happy to announce that our little princess is 1 year old already. And it has been 1 year since i started learning to take care of a baby. And rather experienced i must say (: haha. And ever since she entered our lives, going home has always been a very fruitful thing. I look forward to go home, open the door and see her happy and joyful face expecting my return. What a joy indeed. And lastly i thank God for these changes. Good or bad, i believe He planned them for a reason. Furthermore, Alv has made a big step in his journey with the army. in 2011, he entered the army, went through BMT with the Obese pes, gotten the Best recruit award and was blessed to be in OCS. He finished his service term well in the Sierra wing, and proceeding to his professional term in Golf Wing as a Infantry cadet. Our courtship has indeed also emerged stronger. And i'm thankful for his successes. 2012 has been a year of changes. Adapatation to all the changes. And to end the year, our family is now crashing at our uncle's house because of the renovation at home. More adapatation. But all these changes mould us and shape us to be better and stronger for what's ahead. 

As 2013 begins, i pray that it will be a more fruitful year and of course a year of many more blessings. I guess im gonna list my new year resolutions below. hahah (:

• Put God as my priority
• Study hard and know that a Honours Degree dont come easy
• Be a more understanding friend and daughter and girlfriend
• Be a listener more than a talker
• Be disciplined
• Improve on my anger management
• Work Hard for my goals be it losing weight or being neat or etc.
• To know nothing else is greater than my daddy God 
• To stay positive 
• Raise my self esteem alittle, just alittle
• And cherish my friends more

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all things will be given unto you." 

- Matthew 6:33

Love, Van