In the secret, in the quiet place, in the silence, i knew that You were God, but i failed You time and time again.For all the plans You've made for me, i chose to turn away at the end of the day.. i asked myself why many times.. why, even though i know what i'm supposed to do and the things i should not do... but yet, i fall back time again and then choose to take the path that would stray further away from You.
And now i feel so cold. i feel that i've lost You.
You've sent so many warnings. through the people, through the net, through the sermons, through the ministry and through the world. but You still gave me a choice. You taught me to be "in the world, but not of the world". but then... it seems like im drowning... and somehow what dan said was so right.. as you get further and stray away, you lose the voice of God and u cant hear Him anymore. thats when u stray even further...and u play with a greater fire.
but the bottom line is, repentance. at the end of the day, God will still accept those who love Him and those who choose to admit their wrong doings... maybe i've taken advantage of that. the more i play, the more i feel that its alright and the more i let the world's temptation come upon me, the bigger the fire i choose to play with. but now, im burnt. and the worse thing, empty.
I guess thats human nature. we all have a manual in our hands, a teacher to guide our steps, parents to share the experiences,a church to pray for us but its never enough. we have to test the waters and we have to play with the fire before we know the depth and the heat that could cause us hurt. and this time, i can feel it.. so many encouragements and talking and praying, they all seemed to have gone down the drain. and maybe those expectations too...
i havent been posting because i know i have failed God. i havent been spending time with Him because i know i wasnt faithful. i dont want to turn to Him for prayer request because i dont think i deserve it at all and i dont think im worthy of His hearing too... so i chose to live life without Him. but to realise it was all the bad situation and the worst decision ever.
it took me like months to realise that only now. to realise that without God, life is lifeless. once in awhile things float in my mind as reminders, just like the angel and devil thingy in our heads. but nowadays, somehow the angels seem to have given up hope on me alr. and the devil need not even turn up because i give in..
i've turned cold towards God i know that full well. but i dont think im gonna let that continue anymore because it high time to get back up and know what to do. which is why, i chose to post this.
i guess i used to have high expectations. but then as i grew older and my life got more mediocre, they died down. time to get back now and realise whats more important and not to be preoccupied. and of course, not giving anymore excuses for all im doing.
but at lest through these, i've learnt what it feels like to be empty and the painful a fire can be...today is a great lesson learnt, a real big one. a blessing in disguise i guess.
in the midst of prelims now, quite a bad timing for this to happen, but somehow its good that its happening now before it gets too late i guess..
i'm sorry.
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