what happened?

Today school was alright. it has always been for me and 1031A but the only thing wasnt good was the results and yah how the day started and ended for the school hours. im not too sure exactly why im feeling this way as well or why am i reacting the way i did towards him. i think im being really unreasonable and unfair to him. im just selfish to be exact. 

Recently, i've suddenly realised i seem to be missing the life of being single, of being unattached. i know its really wrong to say that. but its my point of view in general. hmmm i guess i have never been tied down before so i never knew it felt this way. in the past, when i felt terrible during the day, i need not explain to someone or like i can just walk away because im not accountable. But now, somehow everything i do, i have to be accountable, i have to make sure that he is alright with it and i have to be conscious of the things i do and some how there seems to be a limit to it. and i feel i am not doing very well in terms of adapting to it. 

everyone knows the van that is all cherry and hyped up, but at times, i come across moments when i feel down and totally not right, and i like the time i spent alone and all and i need not explain to anyone because i need my space. but nowadays, when i have to explain, i get even more tired because i just dont feel like talking. which makes everything else worse because im starting the fire.

anyway today is one of the days that i seem so depressed all of a sudden and i just cant put a name to it. in front of my class i seem fine because when i see them, somehow that feeling just fades... but after that, it comes back and usually when im alone, i will just be silent and hope it goes.. but then now, when i get silent, i start to hurt him. 

hmmm what am i to do? today's odb talks about renewing our mind and even redirecting every single thought towards God and how it is important to constantly not rely on our own minds, but rather te holy spirit to do the job. and the useful phrase is " This does not meet our needs at this time, or ever" it makes sense. especially in times when we envy, or worry. 

i've got so much to learn about being a child of God. but im glad because today i was able to control and turn away from the temptation. which is a sort of a tiny achievement i guess (: will keep working on it. 

If you use what little you may have
To serve the Lord with all your heart
You will find that He can do great things
When you begin to do your part. —Sper