what happened?

Today school was alright. it has always been for me and 1031A but the only thing wasnt good was the results and yah how the day started and ended for the school hours. im not too sure exactly why im feeling this way as well or why am i reacting the way i did towards him. i think im being really unreasonable and unfair to him. im just selfish to be exact. 

Recently, i've suddenly realised i seem to be missing the life of being single, of being unattached. i know its really wrong to say that. but its my point of view in general. hmmm i guess i have never been tied down before so i never knew it felt this way. in the past, when i felt terrible during the day, i need not explain to someone or like i can just walk away because im not accountable. But now, somehow everything i do, i have to be accountable, i have to make sure that he is alright with it and i have to be conscious of the things i do and some how there seems to be a limit to it. and i feel i am not doing very well in terms of adapting to it. 

everyone knows the van that is all cherry and hyped up, but at times, i come across moments when i feel down and totally not right, and i like the time i spent alone and all and i need not explain to anyone because i need my space. but nowadays, when i have to explain, i get even more tired because i just dont feel like talking. which makes everything else worse because im starting the fire.

anyway today is one of the days that i seem so depressed all of a sudden and i just cant put a name to it. in front of my class i seem fine because when i see them, somehow that feeling just fades... but after that, it comes back and usually when im alone, i will just be silent and hope it goes.. but then now, when i get silent, i start to hurt him. 

hmmm what am i to do? today's odb talks about renewing our mind and even redirecting every single thought towards God and how it is important to constantly not rely on our own minds, but rather te holy spirit to do the job. and the useful phrase is " This does not meet our needs at this time, or ever" it makes sense. especially in times when we envy, or worry. 

i've got so much to learn about being a child of God. but im glad because today i was able to control and turn away from the temptation. which is a sort of a tiny achievement i guess (: will keep working on it. 

If you use what little you may have
To serve the Lord with all your heart
You will find that He can do great things
When you begin to do your part. —Sper

Character Amnesia

Some people appear to have “character amnesia” of a different sort. When faced with a dilemma, they seem to “forget” the right thing to do and instead choose the easy way out.
i wanna be like job, who refused to curse God no matter the circumstance. And to remained filled with the "blameless" character. 


It isn’t the tranquil and placid seas
That bring out the sailor’s skill;
It’s the wind and waves that pound his ship
And toss it about at will. —Ritter

my heart has turned cold

After all that has been said, after all the years of teaching me what is right from wrong, after making sure ur baby girl was a pure as gold and as clean as chalk, after teaching me the bible values and after all the love u guys have showered, I still disappointed you in the end. I'm sorry. 

In the secret, in the quiet place, in the silence, i knew that You were God, but i failed You time and time again.For all the plans You've made for me, i chose to turn away at the end of the day.. i asked myself why many times.. why, even though i know what i'm supposed to do and the things i should not do... but yet, i fall back time again and then choose to take the path that would stray further away from You. 

And now i feel so cold. i feel that i've lost You. 

You've sent so many warnings. through the people, through the net, through the sermons, through the ministry and through the world. but You still gave me a choice. You taught me to be "in the world, but not of the world". but then... it seems like im drowning... and somehow what dan said was so right.. as you get further and stray away, you lose the voice of God and u cant hear Him anymore. thats when u stray even further...and u play with a greater fire. 

but the bottom line is, repentance. at the end of the day, God will still accept those who love Him and those who choose to admit their wrong doings... maybe i've taken advantage of that. the more i play, the more i feel that its alright and the more i let the world's temptation come upon me, the bigger the fire i choose to play with. but now, im burnt. and the worse thing, empty. 

I guess thats human nature. we all have a manual in our hands, a teacher to guide our steps, parents to share the experiences,a church to pray for us but its never enough. we have to test the waters and we have to play with the fire before we know the depth and the heat that could cause us hurt. and this time, i can feel it.. so many encouragements and talking and praying, they all seemed to have gone down the drain. and maybe those expectations too...

i havent been posting because i know i have failed God. i havent been spending time with Him because i know i wasnt faithful. i dont want to turn to Him for prayer request because i dont think i deserve it at all and i dont think im worthy of His hearing too... so i chose to live life without Him. but to realise it was all the bad situation and the worst decision ever. 

it took me like months to realise that only now. to realise that without God, life is lifeless. once in awhile things float in my mind as reminders, just like the angel and devil thingy in our heads. but nowadays, somehow the angels seem to have given up hope on me alr. and the devil need not even turn up because i give in.. 

i've turned cold towards God i know that full well. but i dont think im gonna let that continue anymore because it high time to get back up and know what to do. which is why, i chose to post this. 

i guess i used to have high expectations. but then as i grew older and my life got more mediocre, they died down. time to get back now and realise whats more important and not to be preoccupied. and of course, not giving anymore excuses for all im doing.

but at lest through these, i've learnt what it feels like to be empty and the painful a fire can be...today is a great lesson learnt, a real big one. a blessing in disguise i guess. 

in the midst of prelims now, quite a bad timing for this to happen, but somehow its good that its happening now  before it gets too late i guess.. 

i'm sorry.