When was the last time I stayed up this late.

When words fail me, and when im confined within the four walls of my own territory, my tears will flow like even a million words can't define.
When my heart can no longer take what my mind is digesting, tears flow again.
When i miss you and there's no one i can call to talk to, my tears come rolling down.
When sometimes you put your heart and soul to trust someone, but yet then again it seemed like one day, some hard truth will be in your face, and all those believe and trust comes tumbling down, all i can do is to let my tears take the pain away.
When no one could see the pain beyond the laughter, i simply hide myself to release those tears once again.
When I get so tired of simply explaining what im going through, tears overwhelms me.
When I need you but i know you cant be there, tears are all that can express how i truly feel.
When I love you, as a friend, as a sister, as a daughter, as a lover, I dont wanna let you see any of my tears.

Im trying to be the best that i can be.
Im trying to change my old ways.
Im trying to be understanding towards all the disappointments i face.
Im trying to be someone who lives a normal life.
Im just trying to be happy.

I guess i never knew how complicated life could be, until all the tears come flowing down. And i never wanted to be seen as weak, so i keep in at times, laugh alittle, joke alittle, but deep within, there are so so so many soft spots within that so easily can be triggered by the slightest mentions of it. Sometimes im tired of being so easily shaken, tired of just being trapped in this cycle where i cant seem to comprehend life at times. And tired of being "me" sometimes.

But definitely, these are just expression of all the negative thoughts within me that i never really expressed to those around. I know that somewhere out there, no matter where, God hears.

There was this song that came across my mind. So you would come- By Darlene from Hillsong

Chorus
Come to the Father
Though your gift is small,
Broken hearts, broken lives,
He will take them all.
The power of the Word,
The power of His blood,
Ev'rything was done
So you would come.

Verse 1
Before the world began,
You were on His mind.
And ev'ry tear you cry
Is precious in His eyes.
Because of His great love,
He gave His only Son,
Ev'rything was done,
So you would come.

Verse 2
Nothing you can do,
Could make Him love you more
And nothing that you've done,
Could make Him close the door.
Because of His great love,
He gave His only Son.
Ev'rything was done,
So you would come. 

And that very line, came straight at me. Just when i needed it.

Yap, so i guess i have to go to bed noww..and when morning comes, life goes on. It always does. Thank God for that, truly, that each day we can live. 

With a contrite heart, 
Van