Reflections

Like any other nights, i laid on my bed last night, i just couldnt go to sleep or i should say i couldnt let my mind go to rest. Looking back to the time when i made my decisions for the application to university, i realised i made a choice not knowing exactly what i want to do or what i see myself achieving in the near future. What's my aspirations? I remember how i dreamt to be a doctor in secondary school, but then my results could not get me into the class which offered pure sciences. And my direction was made to change. And when i graduated from secondary school, it was a blur vision ahead of me. Where was i heading? O level results was released and yet again, where i hoped to go, the junior college that i was aiming for, was far beyond my reach. And i got accepted into Innova Junior College. It took me awhile to accept the fact that i was there and there was nothing i could to change that fact. Choosing my choice of subjects was also made without serious thoughts and considerations. But shortly not long after school started, i fell in love with what i was doing. I fell in love with Geography. Something i thought i would want to pursue in my future. Studying the wonder of God's creation and just marvelling at the amazing natures of the world. I thought, well its something i love and i thought i found my passion. The environment. But once again, i was rejected of what i hoped for. A level results have once again caused me to make a decision otherwise. And once again, ahead of me is a vision so unclear. It scares me at times to know that im just not good enough for the society i live in. And then there i am, in SIM, in the Bachelor of Science (Honours) in Economics. It started off quite well i suppose. I've convinced myself that i could do this and i will survive through this 3 years and make it out there as a teacher. But as months fly by, i start to realise that if it isnt your passion, there's no way you could force it in. Its the same logic as loving a person. If you dont love the person, dragging on and convincing yourself that you love him, its just simply a lie. And one very day you will wake up from that lie and regret all that you have done. So i'm stuck in this horrible dilemma which i could have prevented. I guess thats my bad habit. Jumping into something i thought could become what i truly wanna do, but shortly after jumping into it, i realised that it isnt what i really wanted. Wasted time, effort, other peoples' time and effort, and most of all, the hard earned money of my parents.
But just like what Jas said, its better to waste money now then to waste your future away. It does make some sense there. I know that its my future at stake. And there's no more time to waste,  no more " its okay im still young to try it all out", its my future. Future.
Knowing that i will have to be responsible for my rash decisions, i will gamble once more. Since i've made the payment for my exams for the coming May examinations, i will do my best, and i mean my best and put my all to completing all the papers. And if the results show a 2nd upper at least, i will choose to stay. But if the results are mediocre, i believe that would be a sign for me to pursue what i believe has been my dream or what i love doing. Art.
No matter where  i went or did or study, deep within, there was always that van who loved art so dearly. I guess the greatest inspiration was from mummy. At the age of 9 i realise art was a form of destress, and doddling and random sketches was just part of me wherever i went. When lectures got boring and dry, i would just do random sketches on my notes. Somehow sketching allowed me to absorb what the lecturer was teaching more so...But i was never given a chance to fulfill this passion of mine. When i was year 2 in secondary school, the principal of SOTA (School of the arts) offered me a placing there, but daddy didnt see a future art could bring. And he thought that it would be wasting a year since i would have to go back to year 1 again and start all over again.
So it is right to fight for what i want? Is it too late to say that? I guess all i was afraid of was disappointing mummy and daddy. I've never stepped out of the boundary. I went the way i deemed as decent of what they expected. Although yet again they didnt expect much of my education. They didnt expect me to top the cohort or get all the As a student could have, neither did they fill my mondays to fridays with extra tuition. Im thankful for them, for all they have done. If only i had the ability to afford my own education. But i dont.
Just like i promised, im gonna give my all for the coming papers and then work from there i believe. So i guess i've got to start now before its too late.

love, van

 PS. I miss you. Hope everything is well in Taiwan.