14th Day: When the going gets tough, the tough gets going

What should i say. Erm, once again, i'm suppressed under the fact of being drained from all the commitments at all sorts of level in my life. And i'm once again at the crossed road, stuck in a dillema.
School i mean academic wise, i feel like i'm able to focus alittle more than i used to. Which is good. However while i hope to fully put my heart into studying, there are so many others things out there that's making it tough for me to fully concentrate and do well for all the assignments.
There's tuition which currently im taking two students. And one which i'm having problems with the commitment because the parent expects so much more out of me, wanting me to give the girl 4 times a week of tuition. The other student's family is rather compromising so thats one thing i'm thankful for. And once again, being weak at saying no and turning people down, is one of my absolute absolute weakness. I cant bring myself to disappoint others or to say no and just leave like that. Whats the best way for doing it? For telling her that my time is just not enough to stretch anymore for me to go down to teach her daughter who is in great need of support for her studies. Sigh
And there's Student Council commitments. Though i'm not there at times for the meetings and gatherings, i still have to be accountable to them and do my part for whatever that needs planning for. And when i do turn up for meetings, chances are that it ends late because of all the socializing and at times it isnt really productive. Taking up one day a week, but apart from the meetings, there are no behind the scene wrk to be done at home etc.
And there's church. This is one of the commitments that i fully enjoy serving in. And its never going to be at the bottom of the list. Instead, its one of the first, because God is first. Every 1st and 3rd saturday of the month, there is praise duty.
And apart from all of that, there are so many other upcoming stuff that i need to attend to. Just right now, im busy packing my clothes and essentials for moving to uncle's house, and tomorrow we're heading to Malacca. All that packing takes time and sucks up energy as well. And what more, there's christmas coming, lots of catching up meetings with all my loved that i've been missing, and in jan my wisdom tooth extraction which i have to go for 2 check ups before the real surgery.
I'm on the verge on breaking down about being so stretched. And so before the year ends, i'm gonna sit down and start to plan of letting go on the commitments that i know that i can let go of. Like what alv always say, "what's ur role and duty now? Its to be a student and study hard." Thats so true.
But i tend to struggle with balancing with the things i need to do, and the things i want to do. At times, the things that i want to do, end up becoming things i need to do and i dread them after awhile. So currently now, i'm having a love-hate relationship between my brain and my heart. Gonna need time to spend with God, just with Him and to ask Him what He has in plan for my life.
I guess thats the challenge of it, to really clear out the trash in my life and all the stuff that are unnecessary and really just focus on all the essential things i need to do with my life. Which now, its obviously to study.
Nonetheless, i'm tired and miss having alv around where i could pour all my trash and let it all out, talk it all out with him and he will be like my filter to clear and clean up my emotionals, setting me back on track with God's word in mind. In great need of that now. I miss you. It seems like everything else wasnt really going well with my life but you. When you're around life feels easier to go by. Me being cheesy again. But even now typing about you i feel slightly better and i can smile.hee hee.

Randomly opened my photo booth just now, and i found all the silly videos we took and photos before you left for Brunei. Cant help but to smile at all of them and recalling all of it.
Driving out all the negativities and putting in back all the positivities.

Love,
Van

When you return from Brunei....

I want to....
1. Hug you so tight
2. Hug you more!
3. Go shopping
4. Watch late night movies
5. Bake and bake and bake with you
6. GO TO THE ZOO
7. Run, swim, walk
8. Explore beautiful cafes with you
9. Go on a picnic
10. Make covers with my ukelele
11. Take lots and lots of pictures
12. Have sleepovers
13.Spend time with our families
14.Watch you fall asleep soundly beside me haha
15.Dress you up
16.Cook meals and not quarrel in the process of doing so
17.Pray to daddy God together while holding hands
18.Go to church together
19.Love you more everyday.

There's 19 items on the checklist, because we are already together for 19 months and counting. I cant imagine what happens when we get together for 100 months. We will so many things on the checklist.. hee hee. But that would be great.

I love you,
Van

13th Day: I'm trying to live everyday like it's my last day on earth

Its been awhile since i stayed up, instead of blogging or tumblring, I was studying. Rather proud of myself for taking this step of courage to move out of procrastination. The past months i haven't been very motivated and started to just live as the day goes by, there was nothing i was chasing for nor a goal i wanted to achieve with my life. I'm not too sure if what im hoping for is truly what my future holds, but at least now i have something in mind. Something to push me on and to bring me back to that van who was once motivated and would do everything to achieve that goal.
I guess the biggest obstacle in my way, is the fear of failure once again. The failure that felt like i dropped from a thousand feet high right straight to the ground and there was no way back up. And no matter how hard i tried, i realised all i was doing was to avoid and run away from the fact that i have failed. Gave myself all kinds of excuses to make myself feel better. But that never last. It just gives you more reason to make up more excuses.
Furthermore, i realised the only person or thing that can pull you out of the failure, is yourself. Only yourself. Your friends and loved ones can be there to encourage you and talk to you, but if you yourself dont acknowledge that you need to get back up again and move on, no one else can. Just like the saying goes, 'If you dont help yourself, even God cant help you.' As harsh as it seems, its the fact. And i've come to realise that the truth is always the harshest. And we've just to face it. Failures break us down so hard i agree, but they make us stronger. Once you fail and fall, the only way out, is to get back up again.
Therefore, i'm hoping to give my all and try to organize my life alittle before the year ends and a new year will begin again. Hoping for the best.
Yap, so i burnt the night oil tonight, managed to catch up on the notes for my business management lectures, and econs alittle. Got ready for tomorrow's econs tutorial. But there's still lots to do, especially on the packing part. We're shifting to aunt's house tmr ): not too excited for the shift cause it means im losing my privacy and i no longer have the liberty of my space to spend and enjoy the silence of the night which i love. But, 1 month will fly by (i hope it zooms past).
Oh yah, i fell in with two new songs. 1. Marry Me - Train 2. When I was your man- Bruno Mars. Yes they are contrasting songs. Marry me is just simply sweet and i feel in love with it when the live band at the wedding dinner yesterday sang it, and the words just touched me. Whereas for the second song, its so realistic as to how some guys only come to realise what they've lost after relationships have been broken. But its too late for time to reverse. And the ballad that Bruno mars did, is so sincere. The song reminded me of a past i dont like to recall, and wished the guy felt the same way when he chose to let me go. (evil me haha) But anyways the song taught me to cherish and give your all to the person you love. Not waiting for a chance to regret or look back and realised that you havent loved a particular person enough. It would be too late by then. I dont wish to feel the same guilt like how the song does.
Guess its late enough. 1:51am. Time to head to bed or else i'm gonna be late for school, or looking like a zombie when i go to school. hahahah. Good night

Another 8 days to go to hear your voice again.

Love while you still can,

Van

12th Day: Busy busy weekend

Today is Sabbath day. But unfortunately our family did not go to church because daddy was too exhausted and has been having problem sleeping. So the packing began again. Pack and pack and pack and more packing. I finally took the courage to fold my clothes. If you dont know, i had 2 heaps of clothes that was so so much clothes they overflowed from the basket and started to grow higher and higher by the day. About 1.5m tall haha. And yap, i finally could not take it anymore and decided to fold all of it. Anyway in 3 days time we will have to move to uncle's place because of the renovation. Therefore there is even more reason for me to fold the clothes.
And so time flew by so quickly i dont even know it could go by so quickly, and managed to fold everything, pack my room, vacuum it, and even cleared two big bags of things that were on top of my wardrobe for the longest time ever. When i finally managed to bring them down, realised those two bags contained things that werent even mine. It was a bag filled with plastic and paper bags that my sis kept and the other bag was all her old soft toys. They were left there when she shifted to the other room. That was like 3 or 4 years ago?! And asking her if she still wanted them, she said no. I could have simply gotten those space to put my own stuff haha. But anyways im glad and satisfied that at least i could clear some trash and my room is so much neater now. On a scale of 0 to 10, before i packed it was like -2.5 and after packing, im grading myself a 20 hahahaha. The awesome feeling of having a neater and cleaner room is priceless (:
Apart from all the chaotic packing, alv managed to call thrice today. Which made me very happy because the next 9 days to come, he's gonna be gone again out in the jungle for the JCC. But im glad he called and texted whenever he could. And last night his instructors gave out the letters that family and friends wrote to encourage them. And he got my letter (: Apparently i went to apply lipstick and kissed the letter. haha. Yes as silly as it sounds and cheesy as it may be, kinda want him to know that i'll always be there no matter how far or tough it may be. Cant wait for him to be back. Need my bestfriend back.
And so after all the packing, i finally i had to stop packing cause we had to prepare for the wedding dinner of Ping Hong and Charlette. It was one of the most enjoyable wedding dinners i've been to. They had a facebook group set up for guests to upload photos of their time at the dinner and we uploaded Nasya's photo. And the photo with the most likes wins a token. And of course.... She won it. hahaha. Apart from that they had a live band from Sparkle Music if im not wrong. They could sing quite a variety of genres, which surprised me. From Gangnam style to Everyday i love you by the Boyzone. And the vocals, a guy and girl, were really good, they made the ambience so enjoyable. The food was alright, like all other wedding dinners, the 8-course dish. And they had a really amazing video montage of the wedding yesterday with all the hype of the groom going to pick the bride at the bride's house and all. Just simply so sweet. I had a wonderful night. And that wraps up the weekends i guess. It was rather a meaningful one. And hopefully my wedding would be as special and unique (thinking far ahead again van..haha)
The weekly marathon begins again. Marathons, SRC meetings, tuition sessions, studying, exercising. But for the weeks to come, i believe adjustments have to be made. Gonna move out and live with uncle and aunt, going to Malacca on wed til friday. All the packing of luggages and stuff. Its gonna take alot. And the renovation going on at home as well. I guess this december is going to be filled with so much work. Hopefully the renovation will end before the new year. So we can have a nice newly furnished place to celebrate the new year.
Can't wait for Christmas to come. But until down, i'll just do what i gotta do and pray for grace. 12 days to alv's return. Not the 12 days of christmas haha. Thank God for yet another weekend that has past.

Just like what you said, "After this, our love will grow even stronger, so smile always."

Good night,
Van *smiling*

11th Day: Attending weddings just makes you wanna get married

(This isnt them f.y.i) 

This morning, our family attended a wedding solemnization held in church of our dear church friends Charlette and Ping Hong. It was such a sweet experience watching the indescribable joy that radiates from the newly weds' faces. The whole process was candid and sweet. Honestly everytime i attend a wedding of someone i know, i tend to imagine how i would like my wedding to be. The type of gown i would want for my wedding, the flowers, colour of the dress for my bridesmaid, the venue of the ceremony held at, the songs that will play. I just cant help but to start planning about the kind of dream wedding i would love to have.
Watching the couple say their vows to one another as they look at each other in the eye. At that very moment, it seemed like they were the only two people that exist when they looked each other in the eye. It was like time stopped for a minute or two. And that connection that they share, just puts a smile on the face of all the witnesses there. Thank God everything went smoothly and the nerves didnt get to them. When it was time for the groom to kiss the bride, he kissed her forehead because she was shy. That was so cute. hahaha.
But anyways, the wedding went well and the dinner will be held tomorrow night. Rather excited for it though because its been awhile since our family attended a wedding dinner. (:

Had been waiting for these 5 days to pass quickly so i could talk to alv once again when he returned to the base camp in Brunei. Thought that we could have talked for at least 10 mins or so. But unfortunately, after getting my hopes alittle higher, it got shattered all over again. We talked for only 2 minutes and he had to hang up. Seems like their schedules are really in a hurry because he was constantly packing for his JCC that begins on monday. And thats gonna be another 9 days where he will be out in the jungle where i cant contact. Apparently he told me that he received the letter that i wrote to me. I hope that would lift his spirit up alittle with all the strenuous trainings and exercises which they need to undergo. Praying for his well-being and knowing that God will be there with him.

Gonna rest now and walk up early for church.

Love and night,
Van

10th Day: Sometimes being apart for awhile is healthy for one's relationship

Being apart from alv an being uncontactable had allowed me to sort out some of the thoughts that i had. And now that he's away, there are more time to just ponder about where things went wrong at times and to do self-reflection. With him not being around, i think about the times where i may have taken our limited time for granted. And i just cant help but to feel bad about it. But anyways, over the past few days i've been able to calmly sort out my thoughts. Being as human as anyone else out there, we tend to sprout words that we dont mean when we were angry, and im no different. And i admit that this has been one of my greatness weakness i have which i myself fear it. When im mad, the things i say can be so mean and nasty. But the fact is, i dont mean any of it. I simply said it to make the other party feel bad . And all the time, i mean everytime that happens, i regret immediately. I choose to push away everyone whenever i was feeling the worst. Pushing them far far away from me that dont they wont have the courage to come close or even to console. I'm that scary.
Another big weakness of mine, is that i cant accept it when others outwardly point out my flaws or mistakes. I guess thats the problem of pride that we all have. Pride. At times, even in front of alv, i cant lay down my pride. I cant bring myself to concede defeat i guess. But its getting better already ever since i left JC1. I remembered the first year in JC i didnt have alot of friends because not many could accept my character. But then at the end of year 1, i started to change for the better, changed my methods of dealing with different people, and i start to realise that change of impression that others have towards.
Anyways, its not like these weaknesses wont there or i didnt recognize them, its just that this period while alv is away, im even more sensitive to all of them. I start to realise that time is so precious in our relationship at this point in time. And i need to learn to cherish the time we have together more and not waste it by filling it with all the flaws of mine which can at times make things worse.
As practical as it may seem, we got be the person we want meet and love. Just like what the picture above says. Its true. If we cant even be the person we expect others to be, how is it possible that others can achieve the standards and expectations we have. Thats just ironic. Therefore, i've decided to change for the better and to be more understanding.
Today alv finally called after 5 days of not hearing his voice. It was definitely a relieve to hear his voice for me and i just miss him so much i cant wait to see him soo. Subscribed for the international call roaming and so toi text alv and help him to save alittle money.

Missing you always,
van

9th Day: Thank God for friends

So today i survived 2 really content blown lectures. First, early in the morning was stats 2 and then in the afternoon was math 2 which only started today. The lecturer had a really really strong indian accent i couldnt understand half the things that she said, but nonetheless, i strived on and survived through the whole lecture not feeling sleepy at all. Rather proud of myself and of course thank God for sustaining me through the whole 3 hours.
While school was alright,i had many other things on my mind. The wisdom tooth has been giving lots of problems like aching and swelling and the headache that may be caused due to it. As of now, the swelling is so bad i cant bite properly and it aches every time i move my mouth. It hurt so bad i cant wait for them to be all out. As much as i know that its really really gonna hurt so bad, i know that i will pull it through. I really dont wanna go through it twice, so i chose to do the GA, and take all 4 of them out. Apparently i talked to a few of my friends today and all of them was surprised that i actually picked GA and chose to pluck everything out at once because its really painful and its gonna swell.. but what to do.. really dont have much a choice. In order to stop all the sleepless nights due to the swell, im doing it. Although i know that after the surgery i wont be able to eat well and its gonna be torturing, im gonna just push all the way. And may God be with me as i go through all the procedures for it.
Apart from the tooth thingy, i was bothered by something rather personal and since Alv wasnt around, i was so glad to be able to confide in Jas. And i thank God for such a friend like her. The comfort that she gave and assurance at times just makes me so thankful to have her in my life. Being in uni, i have not been able to find a friend in which i can truly open up to like how i do with jas and a few others like Katie. Many of them dont really understand what im going through or know me for who i am i guess. Its like socializing and it just stays at the we're just friends or maybe acquaintance level. But for Jas, im rather confident to say that i can truly be so open to her and know that i can trust her. hmm.. miss being able to see her everyday in school and like talk whenever we liked. Nowadays with my school and her work, meeting is like kinda tough cause our schedules may clash at times. But anyways, the bottom line is thank God for her because i managed to feel so much better after talking to her and we had a alittle HTHT while texting today. And what more she accompanied me throughout the math 2 lecture and kept me going.
The year is coming to an end soon and i've digested that fact. Cant believe its gonna be the year i hit the BIG TWO.. so old.. oh man. and there's so much i wanna do with my life that i have yet achieved. So many places i wanna go and travel to see the world, skills i wanna pick up, so on and so forth.
Furthermore with the A levels ending for Joyce and Isabelle, i cant wait til i get to HTHT with belle and spend so much time with her. I miss her too honestly.
Without alv around, i start to realise that once u get attach and go into courtship, your time spend with ur other girlfriends is decreased because all your attention is diverted to investing into the relationship. I definitely must do something about it and create more memorable memories with my girlfriends. They've been there when i needed them and they played apart in order for me and alv to be together. I guess God really made friends a special bunch to make life more beautiful and fulfilling. Without friends, its like a car without petrol and the car just wont move. (What an amazing analogy haha) ANd of course God is like the car manufacturer that creates the design of the car.
The bottom line is, friends play a major role in moulding us and they were sent by God for a special reason. My special girls like Jas, Isabelle, Katie and Joyce are definitely so close to my heart and i cant love them enough. Thank God for special people like them.
Wells, no school tomorrow so its gonna be more and more packing again.

Missing you still,
Van

 Indeed a friend in need, is a friend indeed