7th Day: Tension

Went to school for my econs tutorial. Managed to pay attention and understand what my lecturer said which is a good thing actually. After that, studied with the girls and read up on econs for macro. Its hard i agree. But from today onwards i told myself that if this is what im fighting for and if i wanna be successful and leave this house of mine, i will give my all. This is what im fighting for. To leave the house and be independent.
After the study session, i went to Alexandra Hospital(AH)  for my wisdom tooth consultation. And so it has been confirmed that my surgery will be on the 4th of January 2013. Apart from the operation there are like so many other procedures to be made. Going for a CT scan because apparently from the X-ray my nerve that is linked to the jaw and nose and tongue is quite near my wisdom tooth, so we have to do some CT scan which we have to personally go to NUH to do it, then deliver that scan thing to AH. And after the CT thingy, comes the consultation with the anesthetist. Since i've chosen to do my surgery with general anesthesia, so i will be put to sleep and there are complications or allergies that can be caused due to the anesthesia that is used. And because i dont have medisave, so i have to once again trouble my mum to bear the burden of the cost for my surgery. Sigh.
On the way back with mum, tension was sparked once again. She claimed that all i do is sleep and im such a procrastinator because i dont take up enough tuition kids to be able to cover my university fees. And when i try to explain my views, in the end, all i get is "I'm your mother and you dont teach me what to do. If you are so smart then pay for ur own surgery fees. So shut up." Conversations in the family usually end this way. By them pushing their authority on me. When they say things that are wrong, they keep quiet. And when they no longer can debate on with whatever im saying, they use their authority to shut me up. And that is what's exhausting me out. Trying to make them see it from my point of view. That i talk just like them.
I guess i do agree that at times i can get really impulsive and the words that come flowing from my mouth are rather harsh. However, i dont think that they have to go to the extend of having to use physical treatments to deal with the situation. Furthermore, she just walked away from me, not caring if i could actually get into the same elevator. Childish. Simply childish. Just like trust is earned, so is respect. I cannot simply respect someone if this is the way they choose to deal with situations. And i dont wanna grow up becoming one of them.
I guess all these are the little obstacles in my life that are always on my mind. And with all these on my mind, i just simply cant sleep. I think about them, ponder and wonder if there were ways to change the situations. Self-reflections, personal goal settings, i can all do these when im alone, quiet in my room. Thats why i sleep late. But they dont bother to ask. They wouldnt ask how im coping in school until my results take a plunge. And they wonder why i choose to talk to Alv more, because he was the listening ear when i didnt have one. He bothered to know about my day when no one cared. Dont get me wrong, apart from Alv, God was there. Always there. Alv was like that extra battery that kept me there when i had no more energy left. When i was down, he would be there to allow me for recuperations. Thats why i miss him i guess, So much.
Honestly i miss Hugo too. I miss having him there to take walks with, and be there friend to hear me out and give me hugs when i needed one.
Just wish i could have a thunder buddy right now. i mean now.
Anyway apart from all the misery i faced today, i managed to do a little sticker shopping spree at a new store that opened in lot 1 called "The paper store". The pretty stickers are in the pic below, and i have this thing for stickers that i cant resist and will go for them as long as i can afford. At least something to calm the nerves.

Pretty Stickers from "The Paper Store"

6th Day: Its as hard for me as it is for you

Skipped one of the afternoon lectures today which i know that Alv wouldnt be quite happy with that. But at least im home early and manage to be home before the storm started. While blogging in my room now its pouring cats and dogs outside. Hopefully the house wont trip of the electricity again.
Anyway, i just finished watching the videos on cyberpioneer about what are the few things in which Alv will actually go through when he is at Brunei. They are even accessed for killing a quail. Saw how the guys literally just dislocated the head of the quail and drained the blood. Gross. But to them its like cloud 9 because they were only given 2 ration packs which isnt enough at all.
And then came the short video of a summary for the 9 days of JCC. Where they had to climb up 2 peaks, swim across the river, and go through a 3 day 2 night in their self-built A-frames, cooking their own food, collecting their own water, building a trap and they are being accessed for all of it. Seemed really tough to go through all of it from the way i see it. From all the interviews, all of the guys seemed to have matured and realised how precious certain things are back home and they learn to cherish even the little supply they are given with.
I hope Alv passes all his test well and hopefully not get injured. Today, is the start of his 5 day navigation training or test, i cant remember. But its gonna be out in the dense forest with all the wildlife creatures and mud. Whatever it is, i believe he will return home as a stronger and tougher man. Like one of them in the video said, JCC pushes you to your limit. That even when you feel like you cant go on, the fact is you still do have some amount of energy. You just have to tell yourself to push all you can. And at the end you will make it through. I was kinda brought to tears when they started to talk about how much they miss home and for some, their girlfriends. The genuinely kind of "miss" that they have for the life back in Singapore is just true and it can be felt how much they missed the food and comfort back home. I suppose its the same for Alv i guess.
Many a times, i think that you may be too busy with your training that you wont have the time and energy to think of me. But after watching so many of the army videos, i realised that im wrong. Because you miss me as much as i do. Its just that you cant text and tell me or call because you are restricted, but i can. I guess im still in the process of learning to be someone better for you over time.
Pray that your training will go well and God be there with you.

Anyway, its time for a short nap to sleep away the headache thats bothering me :/

Love, Van

5th Day: All i want for Christmas is you.

Its sabbath today and the family went to church (: It seemed like there were fewer families or people in church today. I think its due to the fact that its holidays so many families go abroad. Anyway, sermon was great and i enjoyed my time there (: After church we went to town to shop and everywhere its just all ready for christmas and the birth of Christ. In 23 days, we remember Christ's birth. And its gonna be a joyous occasion and we get to go to church to remember this day.
I guess we've all been planning what we want for christmas. As in the prezzies and all and already in discussion of how we're gonna celebrate it together as a family. Recently before Alv left for the Brunei trip, we had a discussion on this as well. About what he wanted for christmas and he asked me what i wanted for christmas. He wanted something that i already kinda expected, but what i wanted, i wasnt sure. It was like i would say i want a bag today, but tomorrow it would be something else. And what i want for christmas is constantly changing all the time. From a new ipod, to shoes, to ipad, to earphones etc... But then today i finally realised. That all i want for Christmas is actually simply Alv. To spend time with him and really spend time i mean. Time. Thats all i want. I guess the factor of time have never been so precious until OCS came by. And i start to understand that no matter what he buys or pampers me with, the only thing that genuinely makes me happy is to spend time with him. Obviously every girl would get excited when it comes to shopping and all, but i hope to be able to spend more time with him.
Tomorrow marks the start of a 5 day outfield training that Alv will undergo and he will not be contactable. And then it will be a 2 day back at his base camp, and then after which is his 9 day JCC and he will be back to Singapore afterthat.. Sounds fast, but in fact it isnt that fast. I shall trust that time will fly.
Anyway, kinda manage to get what i want and had in mind. Bought 2 dresses from New look. But apparently failed to find a pair of flats or pumps that i liked and wanted to get. Still in search of the perfect shoe. Oh and i got the papers for writing Christmas card to my dear loved one as well. Its gonna be exciting i believe. Kinda broke but will figure a way somehow to get the christmas presents for my loved ones.
Gotta to prepare for the school mode again (although im so not in the mood to do so but oh wells).

Baby during the the of his BMT days

Me and sissy at church today.

i miss you.

Love,

Van

4th Day: Spending the Saturday alone

Its been awhile since i have the whole saturday to myself. It didnt feel like it was saturday today since i had some dry run at Sentosa with my school event peeps and after that it was like heading home to help out with house chores and take care of Nasya. It felt different.
Anyway to kill time while travelling on public transport, i have bee engaging myself with watching dramas not just at home, but on my iphone. And movies of course. On the way to habourfront today i started watch Breaking Part 1 (cause i wanna re-watch how Bella and Edward got married and all) and on my way back home i did the same (: Being engaged in the whole watching movies and dramas on my phone has helped me in several ways. Firstly, its minimizes the chance of my "self-esteem issues" to pop up, like whenever i get on the bus or train i think when people stare at me and then to talk to their friends, i think they are talking about me or when they laugh i think its making fun of me. Secondly, it takes my mind off things that makes me go into deep thoughts, for eg. Boo being away and i could dwell on that since im all alone. Anyway, apart from the fact that watching stuff on my phone drains my battery like no ones business, this new hobby while travelling accompanies me and makes me feel less lonely.
And so its down to another 17 days to go before Boo comes back. Hmm oh yah, anyway was rather caught by surprise when Aaron texted me just now and asked me how i was since Boo's away. I was rather shock that he actually did that. Kinda appreciate it though. When i first knew him through Boo, he wasnt someone whom i see would take the initiative to talk to me, since we werent genuinely friends but became friends due to Boo's presence in my life. But nonetheless, he can be rather sweet at times (: Yap and im thankful actually that Boo have just friends like that around him.
On the other hand I'm thankful for friends like Jas, my pillars of strength whenever i needed them. Its these kind of friendships that keeps me going at times. But of course with the strength of God is the key as well. Hmm miss her, kinda hope we will meet up soon and for christmas and all.
Talking about christmas, today marks the first of december and soon it will be Christmas. Hmmm really wonder what is in for me this christmas. Cant wait to enjoy such festives with family and friends, recalling the glorious birth of Christ and just having to fellowship with one another.

With love,
Van

3rd Day: Its getting clearer now

Now that Alv is gone away for his training, it just makes it so much clearer that he is the one i want to spend the rest of my life with. Everything seems to remind about him. Whatever i do, things i pass by while going home and the list goes on. Just simply makes me miss him even more now that he's away and out of my life physically for this one month.
As much as it gives me space and personal time, it creates a void within, but a good and healthy one i guess. Now that he's away, i've made new goals that i set for myself. What more its high time i start to do something about my life. There are so many things that i want to change in my life. My weight, my hair, my style, my attitude and my faith in God.
Ever since JC life ended, i somehow lost the motivation to push for things in life. I no longer find the determination to play tennis and run like i used to, and gone are the days where studying was something i enjoy doing. And i need to find a motivation for myself. Somehow. And stop all the procrastination and excuse finding issue. But whatever i hope to change with my life, i hope that Alv will stay the same, and that God's love for me will remain the same as well.
Anyway, its 3 days already ever since Boo is away. And everyday he would text me and call me, which i am very thankful of. But im just kinda worried for the bill that he is to take on. I guess these are the moments where he truly expresses how much he loves me. And these moments certainly allows me to confirm once again that he is the one for me.

Shall rest for the night now.

Just recalling a few amazing moments we had once shared. We've been through obstacles, still many to overcome, but they will simply make our love stronger <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">

My 18th birthday

His 18th birthday (:

First photo booth session together

                                      1st week of jan 2012

Anyway, today we hit one year and seven months in our courtship together. Time flies (: 

Love, van

2nd Day: Some facts of life

" I came that they may have life and have it abundantly" - John 10:10



Pushing the blame.I guess we're all guilty of that time to time at some point in our lives.Came across an incident today that made me think and ponder about it. Honestly, i am guilty of it alot of times. But i guess its just human nature to wanna remain innocent.
However, just as many many incidents have occured at home and i have been deeply scarred by them, i start to realised that, im just like a replica of my parents. And the sad part is, they dont realise that. My attitude, the way i vent my anger, the way i talk back, how i "irritate" them (quoting the exact word). Im just a replica. And when i vent out my anger, i get scolded, not just scolded, but reprimanded. Slapped even. But the harsh truth is, I'm actually just a replica. They scold me because of how disrespectful i am and how i talk back, but the fact is, they are disliking their own character which they dont see in themselves. Thats the joke and irony of all times isnt it. Thats what i dont really like aw well, that im like them.
But the sad truth of all is, i have no choice, but to endure and keep it all in. Honestly, i know all that i have typed are negativities. However, throughout all these "dramas", I'm trying to see God's hand behind it all. Just like a friend have told me, " every family has their problems and stories, but no matter what, God is behind it all. After all, thats how we grow isnt it, to hit the wall and know that it hurts and never to hit the wall again.
I'm still learning to digest all of the having to be more "understanding" thingy and all, understand that my family have rough patches to overcome, understanding that we all have stresses in our lives. But when will they realised that, what i am today, its simply a replica of them, which they are displeased with.
In the process of growing up, sometimes I realised that I'm just a shadow. A shadow that follows wherever the human goes, a shadow that can never escape from the human, a shadow that walks, talks, eats, shouts, cries like the human.
Anyway on a side track, I figured out that the only way to make peace and calm myself down is to blog it all out. All the emotions, all the tiredness, and all the tears. Now that Alv is gone for another 3 weeks in Brunei, its gonna be singehood lifestyle again. Setting new goals, targets and more time to do more stuff on my own. There are pros and cons to this, but i still miss him. He was my blog, which was why my blog can be dead for months because i always had him around to share my testimonies of how God worked in my life everyday, whenever times were down he was also the listening ear. But once he's gone, that part in my life is missing. therefore blogging comes in as a healthy substitute for me to clear stuff on my mind.

"Through it all, God will be there, for He will never let you walk through valleys of darkness alone"

Love,
van