Its down to the last month before the Final exams now. And all i can do is lift this up to His hands. I havent done my utmost for the papers that are coming up. And they are like mountains yet again that i have to overcome. Will i fall and tumble like i did? Will i fail too see His hand behind all these obstacles? To take that step of faith and know what is right to do in His eyes.
To be at His feet and to know that He shall take control of me sitting in that enormous hall. Coming all the way here now and knowing what its like to be empty without Him and to know that without Him, nothing is possible. I guess thats my greatest weakness. That i fear failure. Until the day i learn to face it , until the day i surrender it all to Him and stop trying to be that stubborn van, im gonna keep failing. But how do i go about doing that, how do i let go of that rope that i have been clutching on so tightly with all my might. To be honest, i have no idea. I believe thats the reason why i've encountered the same mountains over and over again. As long as you dont learn your lesson, God will always keep giving you that opportunity to do it all over again, until you learn to overcome it. Not by your strength, but by His might and power.
"I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears" - Psalm 34:4
I hope that one day i will be able to share that testimony of how God made it possible for me to excel in my studies.
How time flies now, and it has been about almost 7 months since school started and in a blink of an eye, im already about to seat for my final exams coming up in May. As much as it may seem like a long time being in school, i have no idea how those months just past like that haha. But nonetheless, being in uni is always an honor to be honest. I'd rather be doing this (studying) for the rest of my life than to face the crude world out there filled with realistic politics and irrational behaviours of mankind.
Being in the position of where i am now, and knowing that after this stage and phase, there is no longer gonna be oh a new school or a new graduation to look forward to. Its no longer that. Its reality. Its worklife. I guess i havent come to terms with that yet, or should i say i still havent come to terms that all that i have been looking forward to when i was a kid, is finally here. All the "being 21 and ruling the world" kind of mindset. It doesnt seem as fun and like a fantasy sort as how i visioned it to be when i was still in my childhood years. And im starting to get the 'how when you're young you cant wait to grow up, but once you're older, you just wanna go back in time'. I comprehend that now. hahaha.
But coming back to the whole "future prospects" issue, where am i heading next? TBH, im not sure yet. Im not sure where im heading, or what my future holds, or who i will be in the future. The next Miss Cheng who teaches Ecnonomics in a random Junior College? Or the next Artist wanna-be somewhere out there? Or a postgraduate furthering her studies in Economics? Or a female Air Force Cadet just trying to make a small difference by contributing to the defence ministry. Those are just some of the options i have as for now.
At times it scares me to know that i cant see the path in front of me. And even if the people out there tells me " I know you can do it", "Come on van, you are so smart please.", or " Just do your best and you will surely make it, i know you study very hard." But deep down, im not too sure if those sentiments are exactly true. Does it really mean that if you try your hardest you will succeed? I havent experienced that yet. But to push out all the negativities, nonetheless, dont give up. As long as you dont give up, there will always be hope.
"It doesnt matter how slow you do, as long as you do not stop." Confucious.
You owe it to no one for your failures or successes, and all you have is yourself. People can be there to guide you, to encourage you, to reprimand you, but if you dont buckle up and push yourself, no one can.
Yap, so its gonna be up to me to roll that dice when the time comes (:
Anyway, done with all the future stuff and school stuff hahaha. Its gonna be another 2 and a half weeks before Alv commission and its such a honour for him i believe. Really happy that he has come thus far all the way from BMT and im really proud for my boy (: hee hee. the past 9 months have been i believe really though for him, but a very humbling experience as well. Where will God bring him to next? Im not too sure either, but wherever God leads him to, it is always the best choice. I believe even for me, without God it wouldnt have been possible to go through these long periods when Alv is not around. Really thank God for friends like Jas and Aaron Chang and my family who made these periods easier to go by. Most of all, God. He just makes all things beautiful and special i guess (:
Recently I bought a new Hillsong United song called "Oceans (Where my feet may fall)" and it speaks of how when oceans rise just like when troubles come upon us, we can trust in Him.
Part of the lyrics, goes like this:
"So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine"
Just like it speaks to me, i know it speaks to many as well.
”Throughout life, we will always encounter special people. People who bring us up rather than put us down. Sometimes these people will be your family and others friends. If we’re lucky however, they could be more. Life will definitely have its ups and down. We can’t always be strong, so sometimes we need a helping hand. It’s okay to be weak, it’s okay to not have all the answers to life. Questions without answers are sometimes what we need to become better individuals. The beauty is in the mystery.
We won’t always remember the good times, but we will always remember the bad times. Bad times aren’t so bad because what we remember is really the who. We remember the people who stuck by us through the bad times and helped us along. Those who gave us encouragement and the motivation to hold on, if only a bit longer. It’s the courage we remember. The beauty in the sadness is what we can never forget.
Company; those who we choose to be surrounded by. They define who we are. We emulate what we see, and it’s crucial to surround yourself with positive energy. Those who seek the beauty in who we are rather than the ugliness is what makes your company all the more beautiful. It’s your company I’m so grateful for.”
This post was taken from my dear "jasminelow.wordpress.com" cause i found it so inspirational and cant agree more (:. Credits all to herrrrr (:
Just like that, in a blink of an eye, 2 months is almost over since the start of 2013. And i wonder where did all the time flew to. 2 months into 2013 and im still draggin my feet like i used to in 2012. I still write dates with 2012 at the back, i still feel the same old me, and i dont think the new year has changed any bit about me from 2012.
We're currently in the 6th day of the Lunar Chinese New Year. On the 4th day, all the hyped seemed to have died down already. And life goes back to where it belonged. But for me, im still stuck in that holiday mood i suppose. As much as i know prelims are just round the corner, i cant seem to find that urgency to push for it anymore. I guess thats the aftermath effect of Alevels. During the month before A levels, i worked so hard, pushed so hard that i never imagined myself to. I gave all i had and i had nothing to lose. Late night studying sessions consecutively in school til 9 plus when the auntie's will chase us out and we were the last to go home, all the sleepless nights burning the midnight oil just to revise through over and over again. I guess after all that had been done, the results that came out, didnt really show me much justice. Which is why im tired of pushing. Tired of really going all out. Because i fear. the fear of failure. What if even after pushing hard, the results dont show. What if its just gonna be a mediocre pass. Im not determined to face that circumstance i suppose.
But after all had been said and done, i have made this choice for this course and therefore i have no choice but to stick with it i guess.
*Chasing all the negative vibes away*
Anyway, yesterday was Valentine's Day. The one day in the year which i feel alot for. I guess its the one day in the year that you can outwardly proclaim your love for one another and outwardly hold flowers in public and not get weird looks cause its some sort of "legal". But it was a different case for me. I stayed home all alone on the rainy valentines's day and watched the move "Valentine's Day" and "P.S I Love You" both are such sweet movies and really shows the power of love. Once in awhile browsing through Instagram and facebook and just being happy for all those who had received so much love from their loved ones. All the beautiful flowers and romantic dining. All sorts of ideas and gifts that loved ones prepared for one another. In the movie "Valentine's Day" there was a part that said "When you truly love someone, you love them not just for the part of them that are easily lovable, but you also love part of them that are hard to love, and thats when you truly love someone; when you love every part of them." Those may not be the exact words, but it was something like that. How touching and i cant agree more.
As much as i would have loved to spend the special day with alv, he was "locked" in camp and there was nothing we could do about it. Sooooooo i shall just have to be patient and wait for the up coming years to come where we could spend Valentine's day on the actual day and all other festives after he ORD. But like many have said, if you truly love someone, everyday can be valentine's day. Not just on February the 14th. It simply is just a day to celebrate love, but all other 364 days, should be the same. Yap.
Its down to 2 weeks before the prelims, and i guess its time to start pushing for somewhat something i think will bring me a future. hope to blog real soon again (:
Nonetheless, i believe that in the year 2013, God has something special all planned out for our lives. Its said that we have to be broken down, compressed and moulded in order for God's will to succeed in our lives. As such, it may not be all that smooth sailing ahead, but he promised that at the end of the day we will still be able to find that silver lining. And thats the hope we can trust in. Although ahead of me is such a unclear future, im sure He has it controlled. And thats all i know. To trust that He has a plan.
Finally we're back to our own home. Actually since sunday we kinda moved back officially. But we've still been trying to settle down and really packing through all the things that is essential. The renovation has taken 5 weeks to complete and i'm just so thankful that its over now. Missed my personal space so much. But im so thankful for our home. You really dont know how much you miss something until you lose it. For the past 5 weeks our family have compromised so much to move into my uncle's place and all of us shared one room. Daddy slept on the sofa every night and i slept on the floor. Nonetheless, its all come to past and at least we're thankful for my uncle accepting us and really providing us with a shelter that we needed.
So we started cleaning the house bit by bit from last friday onwards. The renovation made the whole house all filled with dusts it was terrible trying to clean everything. haha but it was fun i guess. The whole renovation wasnt completed only until yesterday. So while we moved back in, we still had all the contractors coming in in the day to finish up the tiny ends to the reno for our home. And its just amazing how our home has changed. New kitchen which i cant wait to cook and bake. YES! A proper oven that we finally invested in. Its soooooo beautiful hahah. Finally i can really do all kinds of desserts that i've always wanted to try (: and now our kitchen and yard looks like a condominium standard haha. (Not bragging but just exclaiming how excited i am over this new thing at home) And new toilets. They managed to repair the pipe and now our toilet has a whole new look. New tiles, flooring, basin, toilet bowl etc. haha. And also a new shoe cabinet which now currently fits my 55 pairs of shoes. (I never knew i owned that many pairs of shoes until their all laid out and i counted them) yap. and there are other new stuffs at home but i shall just skip them. But down to the bottom line of it all, I'm so glad to be home and now with all the new changes and new looks that we have, it makes me look forward to going home cause its like now our house looks bigger and cleaner (: With all the cleaning done due to the reno, spring cleaning's gonna be slightly easier this year (: which is extremely good news hahaha.
Yap. And also Beach Bonanza and SRC commitments have finally come to an end for this year and its time to concentrate on my studies (: since i decided and chose this path, i shall give my all for it (:
Its down to another 13 days before alv comes back. I dont really know why but this time round with his departure, i feel so emotionless about it. Like my heart kinda has turned cold towards his absence. I guess its for the better. And our relationship has once again reached another milestone. Which is good i believe. It does not exactly feel like my world is tumbling down anymore hahaha. I cant wait for him to be back (: kinda excited to show him our "new" home.
Hmmm i guess with all the changes, it marks a good start for the new year for us. Furthermore, this year is gonna be soooo different i suppose. I cant wait for more exciting moments that God has installed for me and the loved ones around me. Oh yah, Jas seems to be having fun in Bangkok... Me so envious of her haha. I cant wait for her to be back with all my souvenirs hahah.. Hmm how i wish i could shop also.. so many things on my wish list i wanna get. okee im simply rambling on and on.. so thats it for now.
God bless,
Van (:
"For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything." - Hebrews 3:4
Like any other nights, i laid on my bed last night, i just couldnt go to sleep or i should say i couldnt let my mind go to rest. Looking back to the time when i made my decisions for the application to university, i realised i made a choice not knowing exactly what i want to do or what i see myself achieving in the near future. What's my aspirations? I remember how i dreamt to be a doctor in secondary school, but then my results could not get me into the class which offered pure sciences. And my direction was made to change. And when i graduated from secondary school, it was a blur vision ahead of me. Where was i heading? O level results was released and yet again, where i hoped to go, the junior college that i was aiming for, was far beyond my reach. And i got accepted into Innova Junior College. It took me awhile to accept the fact that i was there and there was nothing i could to change that fact. Choosing my choice of subjects was also made without serious thoughts and considerations. But shortly not long after school started, i fell in love with what i was doing. I fell in love with Geography. Something i thought i would want to pursue in my future. Studying the wonder of God's creation and just marvelling at the amazing natures of the world. I thought, well its something i love and i thought i found my passion. The environment. But once again, i was rejected of what i hoped for. A level results have once again caused me to make a decision otherwise. And once again, ahead of me is a vision so unclear. It scares me at times to know that im just not good enough for the society i live in. And then there i am, in SIM, in the Bachelor of Science (Honours) in Economics. It started off quite well i suppose. I've convinced myself that i could do this and i will survive through this 3 years and make it out there as a teacher. But as months fly by, i start to realise that if it isnt your passion, there's no way you could force it in. Its the same logic as loving a person. If you dont love the person, dragging on and convincing yourself that you love him, its just simply a lie. And one very day you will wake up from that lie and regret all that you have done. So i'm stuck in this horrible dilemma which i could have prevented. I guess thats my bad habit. Jumping into something i thought could become what i truly wanna do, but shortly after jumping into it, i realised that it isnt what i really wanted. Wasted time, effort, other peoples' time and effort, and most of all, the hard earned money of my parents.
But just like what Jas said, its better to waste money now then to waste your future away. It does make some sense there. I know that its my future at stake. And there's no more time to waste, no more " its okay im still young to try it all out", its my future. Future.
Knowing that i will have to be responsible for my rash decisions, i will gamble once more. Since i've made the payment for my exams for the coming May examinations, i will do my best, and i mean my best and put my all to completing all the papers. And if the results show a 2nd upper at least, i will choose to stay. But if the results are mediocre, i believe that would be a sign for me to pursue what i believe has been my dream or what i love doing. Art.
No matter where i went or did or study, deep within, there was always that van who loved art so dearly. I guess the greatest inspiration was from mummy. At the age of 9 i realise art was a form of destress, and doddling and random sketches was just part of me wherever i went. When lectures got boring and dry, i would just do random sketches on my notes. Somehow sketching allowed me to absorb what the lecturer was teaching more so...But i was never given a chance to fulfill this passion of mine. When i was year 2 in secondary school, the principal of SOTA (School of the arts) offered me a placing there, but daddy didnt see a future art could bring. And he thought that it would be wasting a year since i would have to go back to year 1 again and start all over again.
So it is right to fight for what i want? Is it too late to say that? I guess all i was afraid of was disappointing mummy and daddy. I've never stepped out of the boundary. I went the way i deemed as decent of what they expected. Although yet again they didnt expect much of my education. They didnt expect me to top the cohort or get all the As a student could have, neither did they fill my mondays to fridays with extra tuition. Im thankful for them, for all they have done. If only i had the ability to afford my own education. But i dont.
Just like i promised, im gonna give my all for the coming papers and then work from there i believe. So i guess i've got to start now before its too late.
love, van
PS. I miss you. Hope everything is well in Taiwan.
I believe its good to begin this post with a "short" reflection about the year 2012. Hmm where do i start. Firstly, i believe that my life is really really different from how it was in 2011. Gone are those days when i was schooling in a one coloured uniform. And gone are the times when all i was fighting for was for the A levels. The 2012 year has set my life on new platforms and also opened my eye alittle more to the world that exist beyond my imagination. For 6 to 7 months i was school-less and i was as if living on thin air. I had no idea where life was bringing me next. What does my future hold? At that point in time, i was unclear. Rejection letters came in one by one. And i lost hope. And i feared. While everyone was overjoyed with their side of good news. I was shattered. But not all of hope was gone. I was accepted into UOL-SIM, Econs. I was thankful for that opportunity again. Though i may not be coping well as i thought i would and at times is still shaken by the fact that people have prejudice against students from SIM, im still thankful and grateful for the vacancy. On the other hand, our journey at St Andrew's (SAC) also took a twist. Since i started my journey at SAC, i always thought that that was where i belong. And thought that that was home. But life really surprises you at times when you least expect it. Now our family has began our new journey at Redemption Hill Church. A small yet warm church. There are many expatriates there with their families but yet it feels nice to be there. (: Next, from a family of 4, now i'm happy to announce that our little princess is 1 year old already. And it has been 1 year since i started learning to take care of a baby. And rather experienced i must say (: haha. And ever since she entered our lives, going home has always been a very fruitful thing. I look forward to go home, open the door and see her happy and joyful face expecting my return. What a joy indeed. And lastly i thank God for these changes. Good or bad, i believe He planned them for a reason. Furthermore, Alv has made a big step in his journey with the army. in 2011, he entered the army, went through BMT with the Obese pes, gotten the Best recruit award and was blessed to be in OCS. He finished his service term well in the Sierra wing, and proceeding to his professional term in Golf Wing as a Infantry cadet. Our courtship has indeed also emerged stronger. And i'm thankful for his successes. 2012 has been a year of changes. Adapatation to all the changes. And to end the year, our family is now crashing at our uncle's house because of the renovation at home. More adapatation. But all these changes mould us and shape us to be better and stronger for what's ahead.
As 2013 begins, i pray that it will be a more fruitful year and of course a year of many more blessings. I guess im gonna list my new year resolutions below. hahah (:
Put God as my priority
Study hard and know that a Honours Degree dont come easy
Be a more understanding friend and daughter and girlfriend
Be a listener more than a talker
Be disciplined
Improve on my anger management
Work Hard for my goals be it losing weight or being neat or etc.
To know nothing else is greater than my daddy God
To stay positive
Raise my self esteem alittle, just alittle
And cherish my friends more
"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all things will be given unto you."
