13th Day: I'm trying to live everyday like it's my last day on earth

Its been awhile since i stayed up, instead of blogging or tumblring, I was studying. Rather proud of myself for taking this step of courage to move out of procrastination. The past months i haven't been very motivated and started to just live as the day goes by, there was nothing i was chasing for nor a goal i wanted to achieve with my life. I'm not too sure if what im hoping for is truly what my future holds, but at least now i have something in mind. Something to push me on and to bring me back to that van who was once motivated and would do everything to achieve that goal.
I guess the biggest obstacle in my way, is the fear of failure once again. The failure that felt like i dropped from a thousand feet high right straight to the ground and there was no way back up. And no matter how hard i tried, i realised all i was doing was to avoid and run away from the fact that i have failed. Gave myself all kinds of excuses to make myself feel better. But that never last. It just gives you more reason to make up more excuses.
Furthermore, i realised the only person or thing that can pull you out of the failure, is yourself. Only yourself. Your friends and loved ones can be there to encourage you and talk to you, but if you yourself dont acknowledge that you need to get back up again and move on, no one else can. Just like the saying goes, 'If you dont help yourself, even God cant help you.' As harsh as it seems, its the fact. And i've come to realise that the truth is always the harshest. And we've just to face it. Failures break us down so hard i agree, but they make us stronger. Once you fail and fall, the only way out, is to get back up again.
Therefore, i'm hoping to give my all and try to organize my life alittle before the year ends and a new year will begin again. Hoping for the best.
Yap, so i burnt the night oil tonight, managed to catch up on the notes for my business management lectures, and econs alittle. Got ready for tomorrow's econs tutorial. But there's still lots to do, especially on the packing part. We're shifting to aunt's house tmr ): not too excited for the shift cause it means im losing my privacy and i no longer have the liberty of my space to spend and enjoy the silence of the night which i love. But, 1 month will fly by (i hope it zooms past).
Oh yah, i fell in with two new songs. 1. Marry Me - Train 2. When I was your man- Bruno Mars. Yes they are contrasting songs. Marry me is just simply sweet and i feel in love with it when the live band at the wedding dinner yesterday sang it, and the words just touched me. Whereas for the second song, its so realistic as to how some guys only come to realise what they've lost after relationships have been broken. But its too late for time to reverse. And the ballad that Bruno mars did, is so sincere. The song reminded me of a past i dont like to recall, and wished the guy felt the same way when he chose to let me go. (evil me haha) But anyways the song taught me to cherish and give your all to the person you love. Not waiting for a chance to regret or look back and realised that you havent loved a particular person enough. It would be too late by then. I dont wish to feel the same guilt like how the song does.
Guess its late enough. 1:51am. Time to head to bed or else i'm gonna be late for school, or looking like a zombie when i go to school. hahahah. Good night

Another 8 days to go to hear your voice again.

Love while you still can,

Van

12th Day: Busy busy weekend

Today is Sabbath day. But unfortunately our family did not go to church because daddy was too exhausted and has been having problem sleeping. So the packing began again. Pack and pack and pack and more packing. I finally took the courage to fold my clothes. If you dont know, i had 2 heaps of clothes that was so so much clothes they overflowed from the basket and started to grow higher and higher by the day. About 1.5m tall haha. And yap, i finally could not take it anymore and decided to fold all of it. Anyway in 3 days time we will have to move to uncle's place because of the renovation. Therefore there is even more reason for me to fold the clothes.
And so time flew by so quickly i dont even know it could go by so quickly, and managed to fold everything, pack my room, vacuum it, and even cleared two big bags of things that were on top of my wardrobe for the longest time ever. When i finally managed to bring them down, realised those two bags contained things that werent even mine. It was a bag filled with plastic and paper bags that my sis kept and the other bag was all her old soft toys. They were left there when she shifted to the other room. That was like 3 or 4 years ago?! And asking her if she still wanted them, she said no. I could have simply gotten those space to put my own stuff haha. But anyways im glad and satisfied that at least i could clear some trash and my room is so much neater now. On a scale of 0 to 10, before i packed it was like -2.5 and after packing, im grading myself a 20 hahahaha. The awesome feeling of having a neater and cleaner room is priceless (:
Apart from all the chaotic packing, alv managed to call thrice today. Which made me very happy because the next 9 days to come, he's gonna be gone again out in the jungle for the JCC. But im glad he called and texted whenever he could. And last night his instructors gave out the letters that family and friends wrote to encourage them. And he got my letter (: Apparently i went to apply lipstick and kissed the letter. haha. Yes as silly as it sounds and cheesy as it may be, kinda want him to know that i'll always be there no matter how far or tough it may be. Cant wait for him to be back. Need my bestfriend back.
And so after all the packing, i finally i had to stop packing cause we had to prepare for the wedding dinner of Ping Hong and Charlette. It was one of the most enjoyable wedding dinners i've been to. They had a facebook group set up for guests to upload photos of their time at the dinner and we uploaded Nasya's photo. And the photo with the most likes wins a token. And of course.... She won it. hahaha. Apart from that they had a live band from Sparkle Music if im not wrong. They could sing quite a variety of genres, which surprised me. From Gangnam style to Everyday i love you by the Boyzone. And the vocals, a guy and girl, were really good, they made the ambience so enjoyable. The food was alright, like all other wedding dinners, the 8-course dish. And they had a really amazing video montage of the wedding yesterday with all the hype of the groom going to pick the bride at the bride's house and all. Just simply so sweet. I had a wonderful night. And that wraps up the weekends i guess. It was rather a meaningful one. And hopefully my wedding would be as special and unique (thinking far ahead again van..haha)
The weekly marathon begins again. Marathons, SRC meetings, tuition sessions, studying, exercising. But for the weeks to come, i believe adjustments have to be made. Gonna move out and live with uncle and aunt, going to Malacca on wed til friday. All the packing of luggages and stuff. Its gonna take alot. And the renovation going on at home as well. I guess this december is going to be filled with so much work. Hopefully the renovation will end before the new year. So we can have a nice newly furnished place to celebrate the new year.
Can't wait for Christmas to come. But until down, i'll just do what i gotta do and pray for grace. 12 days to alv's return. Not the 12 days of christmas haha. Thank God for yet another weekend that has past.

Just like what you said, "After this, our love will grow even stronger, so smile always."

Good night,
Van *smiling*

11th Day: Attending weddings just makes you wanna get married

(This isnt them f.y.i) 

This morning, our family attended a wedding solemnization held in church of our dear church friends Charlette and Ping Hong. It was such a sweet experience watching the indescribable joy that radiates from the newly weds' faces. The whole process was candid and sweet. Honestly everytime i attend a wedding of someone i know, i tend to imagine how i would like my wedding to be. The type of gown i would want for my wedding, the flowers, colour of the dress for my bridesmaid, the venue of the ceremony held at, the songs that will play. I just cant help but to start planning about the kind of dream wedding i would love to have.
Watching the couple say their vows to one another as they look at each other in the eye. At that very moment, it seemed like they were the only two people that exist when they looked each other in the eye. It was like time stopped for a minute or two. And that connection that they share, just puts a smile on the face of all the witnesses there. Thank God everything went smoothly and the nerves didnt get to them. When it was time for the groom to kiss the bride, he kissed her forehead because she was shy. That was so cute. hahaha.
But anyways, the wedding went well and the dinner will be held tomorrow night. Rather excited for it though because its been awhile since our family attended a wedding dinner. (:

Had been waiting for these 5 days to pass quickly so i could talk to alv once again when he returned to the base camp in Brunei. Thought that we could have talked for at least 10 mins or so. But unfortunately, after getting my hopes alittle higher, it got shattered all over again. We talked for only 2 minutes and he had to hang up. Seems like their schedules are really in a hurry because he was constantly packing for his JCC that begins on monday. And thats gonna be another 9 days where he will be out in the jungle where i cant contact. Apparently he told me that he received the letter that i wrote to me. I hope that would lift his spirit up alittle with all the strenuous trainings and exercises which they need to undergo. Praying for his well-being and knowing that God will be there with him.

Gonna rest now and walk up early for church.

Love and night,
Van

10th Day: Sometimes being apart for awhile is healthy for one's relationship

Being apart from alv an being uncontactable had allowed me to sort out some of the thoughts that i had. And now that he's away, there are more time to just ponder about where things went wrong at times and to do self-reflection. With him not being around, i think about the times where i may have taken our limited time for granted. And i just cant help but to feel bad about it. But anyways, over the past few days i've been able to calmly sort out my thoughts. Being as human as anyone else out there, we tend to sprout words that we dont mean when we were angry, and im no different. And i admit that this has been one of my greatness weakness i have which i myself fear it. When im mad, the things i say can be so mean and nasty. But the fact is, i dont mean any of it. I simply said it to make the other party feel bad . And all the time, i mean everytime that happens, i regret immediately. I choose to push away everyone whenever i was feeling the worst. Pushing them far far away from me that dont they wont have the courage to come close or even to console. I'm that scary.
Another big weakness of mine, is that i cant accept it when others outwardly point out my flaws or mistakes. I guess thats the problem of pride that we all have. Pride. At times, even in front of alv, i cant lay down my pride. I cant bring myself to concede defeat i guess. But its getting better already ever since i left JC1. I remembered the first year in JC i didnt have alot of friends because not many could accept my character. But then at the end of year 1, i started to change for the better, changed my methods of dealing with different people, and i start to realise that change of impression that others have towards.
Anyways, its not like these weaknesses wont there or i didnt recognize them, its just that this period while alv is away, im even more sensitive to all of them. I start to realise that time is so precious in our relationship at this point in time. And i need to learn to cherish the time we have together more and not waste it by filling it with all the flaws of mine which can at times make things worse.
As practical as it may seem, we got be the person we want meet and love. Just like what the picture above says. Its true. If we cant even be the person we expect others to be, how is it possible that others can achieve the standards and expectations we have. Thats just ironic. Therefore, i've decided to change for the better and to be more understanding.
Today alv finally called after 5 days of not hearing his voice. It was definitely a relieve to hear his voice for me and i just miss him so much i cant wait to see him soo. Subscribed for the international call roaming and so toi text alv and help him to save alittle money.

Missing you always,
van

9th Day: Thank God for friends

So today i survived 2 really content blown lectures. First, early in the morning was stats 2 and then in the afternoon was math 2 which only started today. The lecturer had a really really strong indian accent i couldnt understand half the things that she said, but nonetheless, i strived on and survived through the whole lecture not feeling sleepy at all. Rather proud of myself and of course thank God for sustaining me through the whole 3 hours.
While school was alright,i had many other things on my mind. The wisdom tooth has been giving lots of problems like aching and swelling and the headache that may be caused due to it. As of now, the swelling is so bad i cant bite properly and it aches every time i move my mouth. It hurt so bad i cant wait for them to be all out. As much as i know that its really really gonna hurt so bad, i know that i will pull it through. I really dont wanna go through it twice, so i chose to do the GA, and take all 4 of them out. Apparently i talked to a few of my friends today and all of them was surprised that i actually picked GA and chose to pluck everything out at once because its really painful and its gonna swell.. but what to do.. really dont have much a choice. In order to stop all the sleepless nights due to the swell, im doing it. Although i know that after the surgery i wont be able to eat well and its gonna be torturing, im gonna just push all the way. And may God be with me as i go through all the procedures for it.
Apart from the tooth thingy, i was bothered by something rather personal and since Alv wasnt around, i was so glad to be able to confide in Jas. And i thank God for such a friend like her. The comfort that she gave and assurance at times just makes me so thankful to have her in my life. Being in uni, i have not been able to find a friend in which i can truly open up to like how i do with jas and a few others like Katie. Many of them dont really understand what im going through or know me for who i am i guess. Its like socializing and it just stays at the we're just friends or maybe acquaintance level. But for Jas, im rather confident to say that i can truly be so open to her and know that i can trust her. hmm.. miss being able to see her everyday in school and like talk whenever we liked. Nowadays with my school and her work, meeting is like kinda tough cause our schedules may clash at times. But anyways, the bottom line is thank God for her because i managed to feel so much better after talking to her and we had a alittle HTHT while texting today. And what more she accompanied me throughout the math 2 lecture and kept me going.
The year is coming to an end soon and i've digested that fact. Cant believe its gonna be the year i hit the BIG TWO.. so old.. oh man. and there's so much i wanna do with my life that i have yet achieved. So many places i wanna go and travel to see the world, skills i wanna pick up, so on and so forth.
Furthermore with the A levels ending for Joyce and Isabelle, i cant wait til i get to HTHT with belle and spend so much time with her. I miss her too honestly.
Without alv around, i start to realise that once u get attach and go into courtship, your time spend with ur other girlfriends is decreased because all your attention is diverted to investing into the relationship. I definitely must do something about it and create more memorable memories with my girlfriends. They've been there when i needed them and they played apart in order for me and alv to be together. I guess God really made friends a special bunch to make life more beautiful and fulfilling. Without friends, its like a car without petrol and the car just wont move. (What an amazing analogy haha) ANd of course God is like the car manufacturer that creates the design of the car.
The bottom line is, friends play a major role in moulding us and they were sent by God for a special reason. My special girls like Jas, Isabelle, Katie and Joyce are definitely so close to my heart and i cant love them enough. Thank God for special people like them.
Wells, no school tomorrow so its gonna be more and more packing again.

Missing you still,
Van

 Indeed a friend in need, is a friend indeed

8th Day: Packing packing and more packing

Didnt have school today, so instead i stayed home. Next week onwards there would be renovation going on at home because we're finally during some changes at home (: Getting rather quite excited about the new look we're gonna have for our home. So because of that new look, it comes a great price. And therefore we have to pack out everything, and start to pack our stuff because we're moving in to my uncle's place a few blocks away.
Started off with all the crystal and sentimental objects that were on display, clean each and everyone of them. And then went on to the kitchen, wrapping every ceramic mug or beer and wine glass with newspaper so they would crack. Never knew we had so much to pack. And along the way we threw so so many things. hahaha. Figured out that when you need to pack and want to see a neat house, you need to have the "throwing" mode on and tell yourself that there is no need for having so many of the same thing. Oh correcting myself, not throw, but donate it to salvation army. Thats what we do alot. All the old clothes that we cant fit in anymore goes there, and all the soft toys that we cant bear to throw into the rubbish chute goes there too. Anyways, bottom line is we cleared quite alot of things. And it was nice seeing lesser things lying around at home. Makes the house look more spacious than before.
Looking forward for whats to come in the weeks ahead. Malacca trip, new look to our house, christmas celebrations, more gatherings, meet up with 1031A and more HTHT with my dear Jas babe, stayover with Isabelle, Joyce and Shentong and their boys i hope. But most of all, the return of Alv.
Its been 3 days since we've totally not contacted one another. And he is out somewhere in the dense forest in Temburong (dont know if i spelt correctly) doing his navigation exercise. Missing him. Without texting or calling him, my phone seems rather silent. No vibrations, and i notice it lesser these days.
Tomorrow is the start of my Math 2 lecture which means a slightly difficult level compared to Math 1 which i took earlier on. From tomorrow onwards every thursday i can no longer join the "gang" for lunch meet-ups or movie premieres, because i would have to attend 2 lectures every week. How saddening is that. But for the sake of my future and my happiness, i will have to hang in there and push on.

Plans for the weeks to come:

• Save money money money
• Lose weight (RUN, SKIP,SWIM!!!)
• Study Hard
• Be a more understanding person

Ultimate aim (: hehe

I guess those are rather realistic goals that i have for myself for now. But hoping that God would have mercy on me, and guide me along through.

I miss you, and all i ask if for u to be back safe with me,

Van

What faith can do

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know

Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try

Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

This song always is a reminder for me that as long as we have that faith as small as a mustard seed, God will still be able to hear it. And with that faith so tiny, mountains can be moved because our faith may be tiny, but we love and serve a great and almighty God. This is cover by Jayesslee.