its a whole new roller coaster ride

Well, where should i begin. hmmm, its been like 2 months now since the decision to leave SIM was confirmed and now im happily settled down into this new job that i just got a month ago. At Paper Market. And as many already know im so into the whole art stuff and creative things that i cant stop getting my hands on to, so i've finally sort of did something im in love with. Days when i go to work, i get to be in contact with all sorts of scrapbooking stuff, explain items to customers, and just being happy i could be part of such a wonderful team of staff who all share the same passion for scrapbooking (: Yap and though its tiring at times, (every job is tiring), but i enjoy working alot.
And after the long hours of work, i do my self-reflections on the long bus/ train rides and i start to be so thankful for my life. Though it isnt perfect, but its worthy of thanksgiving to the Lord. And anyway, who's life is perfect right?
And i've been rather positive about the whole going-on-to-the-next-stage-of-my-life topic and how im just keeping an open mind and trust that God will lead the way.
Just 1 and a half weeks ago, alv's cadets finally came in to OCS and that when all of his time is being sucked up with the commitments to serving the nation. it hasnt been easy coping with the whole being-a-understanding-girlfriend thing, but once again as i think about God and put Him as the focus, being understanding towards all of alv's needs seems to be as easy and light as a feather. And i feel happier myself too. Lesser tears shed, lesser reliance over his presence. And me, feeling more independent on my own.
Well i believe in life, everything is simply about your perspective and how one chooses to view a situation. Just like the cup analogy, you may look at it either that its half full, or half empty. And i choose to view it to be half full. And thats sufficient. As long as you choose to remain positive about things of this earth, a smile wont be too far away.
Time really flies so quickly and now its exactly a week til its my birthday. hmmm what should i be expecting as i hit 20? its really alittle unbelievable that im 20 already.. i guess it hasnt really dawned upon me or even digested in me yet about it. What is being 20 like? telling people that you are 17,18 or 19 is totally different from telling someone that you are ALREADY 20.. really really seriously sounds old. And it would mean having to take on the burden of even more adulthood issues and life matters and go on to think about jobs, careers, and probably, just probably marriage hahaha. hmmm its a bittersweet feeling i believe so. On a certain level, somehow im excited to approach all those stages in my life, like thinking about the kind of work i will pertain, or think about planning about the future and all sorts. Burdens that in the past, i never got to experience. but at the same, with all these burdens comes responsibility, and comes of course, money. hmm bittersweet bittersweet.
Anyways this was a random rant on my blog but its a short update about how life has been for me (:

Taking it slowly, step by step

Its been exactly a month now since i've decided and settled on the withdrawal from SIM. This past month have been a very thought provoking month. Because it wasnt just about quitting SIM, it was about, so whats next.
And i've learnt to take it slowly. Take life slowly i mean, and to embrace it. It hadnt been easy coping, there were moments i thought i made a wrong turn, but there were also moment i would give myself a pat on my back and said, "you were courageous enough to do that, so go pursue what you enjoy." Many many moments that i cant seem to remember now, but that that very particular moment in time, my emotions were all so strong. Be it of joy, of sadness, of guilt, of disappointment. But im glad to be where i am today, and actually, very thankful.
I enjoy being able to do things that i never had the time for, such as sitting at starbucks for hours, not studying or rushing up on contents for a particular school module, but just reading a book i love, or simply sitting there watching the day go by. It was enjoyable. Oh and also going for afternoon swims alone and taking time alone to just be with myself. Love that.
In the past there were many moments that i gave away the opportunity to spend on my own. But i must say, its really, pleasingly peaceful and refreshing.
Now all im hoping for is for Paper Market's boss to give me a call soon about my application on the job so i can get more inspiration about artsy stuff. And i hope its a good sign for my next step to come.

It's never easy to be on the right side of the path, but its NOT IMPOSSIBLE

Recently did this up on my wall as a reminder

Lets see, where did i last end off.
i guess its when news just broke out about my withdrawal from SIM i guess. Although all has been said and done, im left with heading down to SIM to sign the withdrawal papers. and that will be the end of the journey there. Like it never happened before.
But well, the past week or so, i've been heading slowly but steadily into the next phase of my life. Preparing myself to ensure and grasp all possibilities that will affirm my decision to head into the arts. Like arts arts. And im starting to get all sketchy and all artsy.
SO the big question is, "Is this what God has in mind? If it is, where will He lead me to?" These are the 2 questions i ask myself every single day. At least 3 times every hour i can be certain.
The past month, juniors from Innova who just finished a level least year applied for their uni application, and so did Isabelle and Joyce, so did Jasmine and so did Alv. Most of which i heard from were good news, and more thankfully for Alv, he received interviews for both the course he applied for. History and Sports Science Management in NTU. And i accompanied him for the interview for the History course. Sitting there at a random table in the heart of NTU's School of Humanities and Social Sciences, all i could think of is, will this be my future.
And everytime i scroll through facebook, i see many dearly loved friends received their acceptance for local uni entry. And i wonder again. Will i be able to share the same joy in the coming year. Its undeniable that im extremely happy for them, but at the same time, i breakdown alittle on the inside.
Because the past one year of my life, i was literally lost in the wilderness. Alone. God-less most of the time. And i drifted.
So as my heading suggested, its never easy to do what is right in God eyes, because we're all made in perfect, but its not impossible. Because Jesus came for that reason. To make us clean again so that we can turn to God once again. So this coming year, and months to come, its time for a revival.
Whatever its gonna take, i hope it pays off. As much as not everyone will understand and comprehend my decision, as long as i know im fixing my eyes on God, thats the main thing. Not by the eyes of men, but by God's standards. only His will meet the cut.
So im definitely looking forward to what's install for me and my journey ahead.

"The choices you make today, lead to your consequences tomorrow"

Love,
Van

A new beginning, back to square one, but now the right way

 Late night insomnias, troubled mind blown moments, crying myself to sleep, unnecessary stresses and many more, All these have finally came to an end for now. The past months, i have been in a mental conflict about what i was doing with my life; academic sense. Was being in SIM truly where i was meant to be, my heart says no. But i could not come to terms with it and be truthful about it. I just allow time to past and i fooled myself to believe that being there was where i belong.
And after many many months, i finally took the courage to talk to my parents about it. Because i felt like i was huge disappointment to myself and allowing myself to make such a huge mistake ever. Monetary wise, time wise, and all the little efforts they made for me to pursue an education that i desire.
And now, its back to square one. A second chance. Im ever thankful for this opportunity and this time right, i hope im gonna do it the right way. With God in the equation. Where will He lead me to, and where is that place that He has in plan for my future.
So many questions about the whole "Future" issue that sometimes, i get lost with getting worried and lost in just simply thinking of all the possibilities, i forgot to sought after Him and listen to that still small voice of is. And indeed im wrong all the time. Choosing to hold on to my pride, choosing to believe that my ways may be wiser than His. But i never really come to terms, until i reach that dead end and i cant go on any longer.
Nonetheless, getting out of SIM, im relieved because for the past 7 months being there, i dont feel belonged. Out of place most of the time, mentally. Especially in that whole theatre of students who are so clear of that goal, but future, was yet a blur vision. I didnt know where i was heading. i was simply going to any direction i deemed as possible, but not something i desire.
So after receiving the green light from my parents, i've finally started to go towards what draws me. Art. And am planning that few baby steps ahead to bring me closer to where i aim to go. And im happy that i've started to be hungry for His word. Knowing that in His word, i can find peace and calmness in my spirit. Casting all anxieties unto Him. Indeed it feels good to know that you dont have to carry your burdens, but He understands.
I hope that in the near future, whatever that i am about to pursue, i can use it to serve God's people, as His useful tool to bring blessing to many others around.
Yap, so i can never be more thankful for the family in my life and people around me that has made small differences to push me onward to go even further (:

"For i know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

You can make plans, but only His purpose will prevail

Its down to the last month before the Final exams now. And all i can do is lift this up to His hands. I havent done my utmost for the papers that are coming up. And they are like mountains yet again that i have to overcome. Will i fall and tumble like i did? Will i fail too see His hand behind all these obstacles? To take that step of faith and know what is right to do in His eyes. 

To be at His feet and to know that He shall take control of me sitting in that enormous hall. Coming all the way here now and knowing what its like to be empty without Him and to know that without Him, nothing is possible. I guess thats my greatest weakness. That i fear failure. Until the day i learn to face it , until the day i surrender it all to Him and stop trying to be that stubborn van, im gonna keep failing. But how do i go about doing that, how do i let go of that rope that i have been clutching on so tightly with all my might. To be honest, i have no idea. I believe thats the reason why i've encountered the same mountains over and over again. As long as you dont learn your lesson, God will always keep giving you that opportunity to do it all over again, until you learn to overcome it. Not by your strength, but by His might and power. 

"I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears" - Psalm 34:4 

I hope that one day i will be able to share that testimony of how God made it possible for me to excel in my studies. 

No one's gonna clear up your mess for you

How time flies now, and it has been about almost 7 months since school started and in a blink of an eye, im already about to seat for my final exams coming up in May. As much as it may seem like a long time being in school, i have no idea how those months just past like that haha. But nonetheless, being in uni is always an honor to be honest. I'd rather be doing this (studying) for the rest of my life than to face the crude world out there filled with realistic politics and irrational behaviours of mankind.
Being in the position of where i am now, and knowing that after this stage and phase, there is no longer gonna be oh a new school or a new graduation to look forward to. Its no longer that. Its reality. Its worklife. I guess i havent come to terms with that yet, or should i say i still havent come to terms that all that i have been looking forward to when i was a kid, is finally here. All the "being 21 and ruling the world" kind of mindset. It doesnt seem as fun and like a fantasy sort as how i visioned it to be when i was still in my childhood years. And im starting to get the 'how when you're young you cant wait to grow up, but once you're older, you just wanna go back in time'. I comprehend that now. hahaha.
But coming back to the whole "future prospects" issue, where am i heading next? TBH, im not sure yet. Im not sure where im heading, or what my future holds, or who i will be in the future. The next Miss Cheng who teaches Ecnonomics in a random Junior College? Or the next Artist wanna-be somewhere out there? Or a postgraduate furthering her studies in Economics? Or a female Air Force Cadet just trying to make a small difference by contributing to the defence ministry. Those are just some of the options i have as for now.
At times it scares me to know that i cant see the path in front of me. And even if the people out there tells me " I know you can do it", "Come on van, you are so smart please.", or " Just do your best and you will surely make it, i know you study very hard." But deep down, im not too sure if those sentiments are exactly true. Does it really mean that if you try your hardest you will succeed? I havent experienced that yet. But to push out all the negativities, nonetheless, dont give up. As long as you dont give up, there will always be hope.
"It doesnt matter how slow you do, as long as you do not stop." Confucious.
You owe it to no one for your failures or successes, and all you have is yourself. People can be there to guide you, to encourage you, to reprimand you, but if you dont buckle up and push yourself, no one can.
Yap, so its gonna be up to me to roll that dice when the time comes (:
Anyway, done with all the future stuff and school stuff hahaha. Its gonna be another 2 and a half weeks before Alv commission and its such a honour for him i believe. Really happy that he has come thus far all the way from BMT and im really proud for my boy (: hee hee. the past 9 months have been i believe really though for him, but a very humbling experience as well. Where will God bring him to next? Im not too sure either, but wherever God leads him to, it is always the best choice. I believe even for me, without God it wouldnt have been possible to go through these long periods when Alv is not around. Really thank God for friends like Jas and Aaron Chang and my family who made these periods easier to go by. Most of all, God. He just makes all things beautiful and special i guess (:
Recently I bought a new Hillsong United song called "Oceans (Where my feet may fall)" and it speaks of how when oceans rise just like when troubles come upon us, we can trust in Him.
Part of the lyrics, goes like this:

"So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine"

Just like it speaks to me, i know it speaks to many as well. 

Love, Van

Growth and Company

”Throughout life, we will always encounter special people. People who bring us up rather than put us down. Sometimes these people will be your family and others friends. If we’re lucky however, they could be more. Life will definitely have its ups and down. We can’t always be strong, so sometimes we need a helping hand. It’s okay to be weak, it’s okay to not have all the answers to life. Questions without answers are sometimes what we need to become better individuals. The beauty is in the mystery.

We won’t always remember the good times, but we will always remember the bad times. Bad times aren’t so bad because what we remember is really the who. We remember the people who stuck by us through the bad times and helped us along. Those who gave us encouragement and the motivation to hold on, if only a bit longer. It’s the courage we remember. The beauty in the sadness is what we can never forget.

Company; those who we choose to be surrounded by. They define who we are. We emulate what we see, and it’s crucial to surround yourself with positive energy. Those who seek the beauty in who we are rather than the ugliness is what makes your company all the more beautiful. It’s your company I’m so grateful for.”

This post was taken from my dear "jasminelow.wordpress.com" cause i found it so inspirational and cant agree more (:. Credits all to herrrrr (: