Its been exactly a month now since i've decided and settled on the withdrawal from SIM. This past month have been a very thought provoking month. Because it wasnt just about quitting SIM, it was about, so whats next.
And i've learnt to take it slowly. Take life slowly i mean, and to embrace it. It hadnt been easy coping, there were moments i thought i made a wrong turn, but there were also moment i would give myself a pat on my back and said, "you were courageous enough to do that, so go pursue what you enjoy." Many many moments that i cant seem to remember now, but that that very particular moment in time, my emotions were all so strong. Be it of joy, of sadness, of guilt, of disappointment. But im glad to be where i am today, and actually, very thankful.
I enjoy being able to do things that i never had the time for, such as sitting at starbucks for hours, not studying or rushing up on contents for a particular school module, but just reading a book i love, or simply sitting there watching the day go by. It was enjoyable. Oh and also going for afternoon swims alone and taking time alone to just be with myself. Love that.
In the past there were many moments that i gave away the opportunity to spend on my own. But i must say, its really, pleasingly peaceful and refreshing.
Now all im hoping for is for Paper Market's boss to give me a call soon about my application on the job so i can get more inspiration about artsy stuff. And i hope its a good sign for my next step to come.
Lets see, where did i last end off.
i guess its when news just broke out about my withdrawal from SIM i guess. Although all has been said and done, im left with heading down to SIM to sign the withdrawal papers. and that will be the end of the journey there. Like it never happened before.
But well, the past week or so, i've been heading slowly but steadily into the next phase of my life. Preparing myself to ensure and grasp all possibilities that will affirm my decision to head into the arts. Like arts arts. And im starting to get all sketchy and all artsy.
SO the big question is, "Is this what God has in mind? If it is, where will He lead me to?" These are the 2 questions i ask myself every single day. At least 3 times every hour i can be certain.
The past month, juniors from Innova who just finished a level least year applied for their uni application, and so did Isabelle and Joyce, so did Jasmine and so did Alv. Most of which i heard from were good news, and more thankfully for Alv, he received interviews for both the course he applied for. History and Sports Science Management in NTU. And i accompanied him for the interview for the History course. Sitting there at a random table in the heart of NTU's School of Humanities and Social Sciences, all i could think of is, will this be my future.
And everytime i scroll through facebook, i see many dearly loved friends received their acceptance for local uni entry. And i wonder again. Will i be able to share the same joy in the coming year. Its undeniable that im extremely happy for them, but at the same time, i breakdown alittle on the inside.
Because the past one year of my life, i was literally lost in the wilderness. Alone. God-less most of the time. And i drifted.
So as my heading suggested, its never easy to do what is right in God eyes, because we're all made in perfect, but its not impossible. Because Jesus came for that reason. To make us clean again so that we can turn to God once again. So this coming year, and months to come, its time for a revival.
Whatever its gonna take, i hope it pays off. As much as not everyone will understand and comprehend my decision, as long as i know im fixing my eyes on God, thats the main thing. Not by the eyes of men, but by God's standards. only His will meet the cut.
So im definitely looking forward to what's install for me and my journey ahead.
"The choices you make today, lead to your consequences tomorrow"
Late night insomnias, troubled mind blown moments, crying myself to sleep, unnecessary stresses and many more, All these have finally came to an end for now. The past months, i have been in a mental conflict about what i was doing with my life; academic sense. Was being in SIM truly where i was meant to be, my heart says no. But i could not come to terms with it and be truthful about it. I just allow time to past and i fooled myself to believe that being there was where i belong.
And after many many months, i finally took the courage to talk to my parents about it. Because i felt like i was huge disappointment to myself and allowing myself to make such a huge mistake ever. Monetary wise, time wise, and all the little efforts they made for me to pursue an education that i desire.
And now, its back to square one. A second chance. Im ever thankful for this opportunity and this time right, i hope im gonna do it the right way. With God in the equation. Where will He lead me to, and where is that place that He has in plan for my future.
So many questions about the whole "Future" issue that sometimes, i get lost with getting worried and lost in just simply thinking of all the possibilities, i forgot to sought after Him and listen to that still small voice of is. And indeed im wrong all the time. Choosing to hold on to my pride, choosing to believe that my ways may be wiser than His. But i never really come to terms, until i reach that dead end and i cant go on any longer.
Nonetheless, getting out of SIM, im relieved because for the past 7 months being there, i dont feel belonged. Out of place most of the time, mentally. Especially in that whole theatre of students who are so clear of that goal, but future, was yet a blur vision. I didnt know where i was heading. i was simply going to any direction i deemed as possible, but not something i desire.
So after receiving the green light from my parents, i've finally started to go towards what draws me. Art. And am planning that few baby steps ahead to bring me closer to where i aim to go. And im happy that i've started to be hungry for His word. Knowing that in His word, i can find peace and calmness in my spirit. Casting all anxieties unto Him. Indeed it feels good to know that you dont have to carry your burdens, but He understands.
I hope that in the near future, whatever that i am about to pursue, i can use it to serve God's people, as His useful tool to bring blessing to many others around.
Yap, so i can never be more thankful for the family in my life and people around me that has made small differences to push me onward to go even further (:
"For i know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Its down to the last month before the Final exams now. And all i can do is lift this up to His hands. I havent done my utmost for the papers that are coming up. And they are like mountains yet again that i have to overcome. Will i fall and tumble like i did? Will i fail too see His hand behind all these obstacles? To take that step of faith and know what is right to do in His eyes.
To be at His feet and to know that He shall take control of me sitting in that enormous hall. Coming all the way here now and knowing what its like to be empty without Him and to know that without Him, nothing is possible. I guess thats my greatest weakness. That i fear failure. Until the day i learn to face it , until the day i surrender it all to Him and stop trying to be that stubborn van, im gonna keep failing. But how do i go about doing that, how do i let go of that rope that i have been clutching on so tightly with all my might. To be honest, i have no idea. I believe thats the reason why i've encountered the same mountains over and over again. As long as you dont learn your lesson, God will always keep giving you that opportunity to do it all over again, until you learn to overcome it. Not by your strength, but by His might and power.
"I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears" - Psalm 34:4
I hope that one day i will be able to share that testimony of how God made it possible for me to excel in my studies.
How time flies now, and it has been about almost 7 months since school started and in a blink of an eye, im already about to seat for my final exams coming up in May. As much as it may seem like a long time being in school, i have no idea how those months just past like that haha. But nonetheless, being in uni is always an honor to be honest. I'd rather be doing this (studying) for the rest of my life than to face the crude world out there filled with realistic politics and irrational behaviours of mankind.
Being in the position of where i am now, and knowing that after this stage and phase, there is no longer gonna be oh a new school or a new graduation to look forward to. Its no longer that. Its reality. Its worklife. I guess i havent come to terms with that yet, or should i say i still havent come to terms that all that i have been looking forward to when i was a kid, is finally here. All the "being 21 and ruling the world" kind of mindset. It doesnt seem as fun and like a fantasy sort as how i visioned it to be when i was still in my childhood years. And im starting to get the 'how when you're young you cant wait to grow up, but once you're older, you just wanna go back in time'. I comprehend that now. hahaha.
But coming back to the whole "future prospects" issue, where am i heading next? TBH, im not sure yet. Im not sure where im heading, or what my future holds, or who i will be in the future. The next Miss Cheng who teaches Ecnonomics in a random Junior College? Or the next Artist wanna-be somewhere out there? Or a postgraduate furthering her studies in Economics? Or a female Air Force Cadet just trying to make a small difference by contributing to the defence ministry. Those are just some of the options i have as for now.
At times it scares me to know that i cant see the path in front of me. And even if the people out there tells me " I know you can do it", "Come on van, you are so smart please.", or " Just do your best and you will surely make it, i know you study very hard." But deep down, im not too sure if those sentiments are exactly true. Does it really mean that if you try your hardest you will succeed? I havent experienced that yet. But to push out all the negativities, nonetheless, dont give up. As long as you dont give up, there will always be hope.
"It doesnt matter how slow you do, as long as you do not stop." Confucious.
You owe it to no one for your failures or successes, and all you have is yourself. People can be there to guide you, to encourage you, to reprimand you, but if you dont buckle up and push yourself, no one can.
Yap, so its gonna be up to me to roll that dice when the time comes (:
Anyway, done with all the future stuff and school stuff hahaha. Its gonna be another 2 and a half weeks before Alv commission and its such a honour for him i believe. Really happy that he has come thus far all the way from BMT and im really proud for my boy (: hee hee. the past 9 months have been i believe really though for him, but a very humbling experience as well. Where will God bring him to next? Im not too sure either, but wherever God leads him to, it is always the best choice. I believe even for me, without God it wouldnt have been possible to go through these long periods when Alv is not around. Really thank God for friends like Jas and Aaron Chang and my family who made these periods easier to go by. Most of all, God. He just makes all things beautiful and special i guess (:
Recently I bought a new Hillsong United song called "Oceans (Where my feet may fall)" and it speaks of how when oceans rise just like when troubles come upon us, we can trust in Him.
Part of the lyrics, goes like this:
"So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine"
Just like it speaks to me, i know it speaks to many as well.
”Throughout life, we will always encounter special people. People who bring us up rather than put us down. Sometimes these people will be your family and others friends. If we’re lucky however, they could be more. Life will definitely have its ups and down. We can’t always be strong, so sometimes we need a helping hand. It’s okay to be weak, it’s okay to not have all the answers to life. Questions without answers are sometimes what we need to become better individuals. The beauty is in the mystery.
We won’t always remember the good times, but we will always remember the bad times. Bad times aren’t so bad because what we remember is really the who. We remember the people who stuck by us through the bad times and helped us along. Those who gave us encouragement and the motivation to hold on, if only a bit longer. It’s the courage we remember. The beauty in the sadness is what we can never forget.
Company; those who we choose to be surrounded by. They define who we are. We emulate what we see, and it’s crucial to surround yourself with positive energy. Those who seek the beauty in who we are rather than the ugliness is what makes your company all the more beautiful. It’s your company I’m so grateful for.”
This post was taken from my dear "jasminelow.wordpress.com" cause i found it so inspirational and cant agree more (:. Credits all to herrrrr (:
Just like that, in a blink of an eye, 2 months is almost over since the start of 2013. And i wonder where did all the time flew to. 2 months into 2013 and im still draggin my feet like i used to in 2012. I still write dates with 2012 at the back, i still feel the same old me, and i dont think the new year has changed any bit about me from 2012.
We're currently in the 6th day of the Lunar Chinese New Year. On the 4th day, all the hyped seemed to have died down already. And life goes back to where it belonged. But for me, im still stuck in that holiday mood i suppose. As much as i know prelims are just round the corner, i cant seem to find that urgency to push for it anymore. I guess thats the aftermath effect of Alevels. During the month before A levels, i worked so hard, pushed so hard that i never imagined myself to. I gave all i had and i had nothing to lose. Late night studying sessions consecutively in school til 9 plus when the auntie's will chase us out and we were the last to go home, all the sleepless nights burning the midnight oil just to revise through over and over again. I guess after all that had been done, the results that came out, didnt really show me much justice. Which is why im tired of pushing. Tired of really going all out. Because i fear. the fear of failure. What if even after pushing hard, the results dont show. What if its just gonna be a mediocre pass. Im not determined to face that circumstance i suppose.
But after all had been said and done, i have made this choice for this course and therefore i have no choice but to stick with it i guess.
*Chasing all the negative vibes away*
Anyway, yesterday was Valentine's Day. The one day in the year which i feel alot for. I guess its the one day in the year that you can outwardly proclaim your love for one another and outwardly hold flowers in public and not get weird looks cause its some sort of "legal". But it was a different case for me. I stayed home all alone on the rainy valentines's day and watched the move "Valentine's Day" and "P.S I Love You" both are such sweet movies and really shows the power of love. Once in awhile browsing through Instagram and facebook and just being happy for all those who had received so much love from their loved ones. All the beautiful flowers and romantic dining. All sorts of ideas and gifts that loved ones prepared for one another. In the movie "Valentine's Day" there was a part that said "When you truly love someone, you love them not just for the part of them that are easily lovable, but you also love part of them that are hard to love, and thats when you truly love someone; when you love every part of them." Those may not be the exact words, but it was something like that. How touching and i cant agree more.
As much as i would have loved to spend the special day with alv, he was "locked" in camp and there was nothing we could do about it. Sooooooo i shall just have to be patient and wait for the up coming years to come where we could spend Valentine's day on the actual day and all other festives after he ORD. But like many have said, if you truly love someone, everyday can be valentine's day. Not just on February the 14th. It simply is just a day to celebrate love, but all other 364 days, should be the same. Yap.
Its down to 2 weeks before the prelims, and i guess its time to start pushing for somewhat something i think will bring me a future. hope to blog real soon again (:
Nonetheless, i believe that in the year 2013, God has something special all planned out for our lives. Its said that we have to be broken down, compressed and moulded in order for God's will to succeed in our lives. As such, it may not be all that smooth sailing ahead, but he promised that at the end of the day we will still be able to find that silver lining. And thats the hope we can trust in. Although ahead of me is such a unclear future, im sure He has it controlled. And thats all i know. To trust that He has a plan.
