The start of something new.

its beennnn really long ever since i blogged likeeee 4 months i think. And i thought it would be apt to do it now. 4 months has past. many things have happened, so many i cant afford to mention everything, but i know one thing for sure, God was in it through it all. jist basically a real summary, december period i was totally off contact with the cyber world because of a levels and my sis used my com almost all the time because hers broke down. And now time flies and im already in the process of applying to a local uni. i dont know where im heading, and this uncertainty can be rather stressful, but Im sure God already has a planned in mind.
Currently working at a engineering company as a admin and accountant staff and this week will be my last week before i take a breather. yappies. The heading of my blog came along because JC life has come to an end and now its time to move on with a new phase of life, not just in my education, but also in my walk with God.
Just recently, like a month ago, i became a cell leader in LYNC (youth ministry in church) and im wokring with really cute sec 1s and 2s. And it got me alot into thinking about how to become a leader to them and so i started my journey to prepare cell notes and all. But i realised, i was dry, almost dehydrating because i have insufficient spiritual food and water. and i have always been suffering from that.. so from next sat onwards, i will be attending Young Adults where something new begins in my life as well. (: and i hope i will be quenched and fed on God's food.
Many things have changed now at home as well (: but certainly God has remained unchanged. and im thankful for that.. Oh yah and one more thing has changed too. Alv went to army and today marks the official 1 month and 2 days since he enlisted. It has been a rather challenging journey for us both, but God has been sustaining our relationship well and even bringing us closer even though we may not be apart.
Thats pretty much a wrap bout 4 months. In this new year, all i pray for is for my spiritual walk to be closer and more devoted to God. thanking Him in every season.

A time to change for Him

Finally the journey is coming to an end.. the journey in which i have been striving hard for all along the way, and the journey which has also brighten and opened up my eyes to so many things that i have not known before entering innova. I must truly say that i am tired already. but im certainly enriched by how God has brought me through these 2 years all along the way.

These days i have been pondering alot as i watch the tv. what if 2012 is really the year in which the world end? what will become of me and my family and all those i care about? Will i end up in heaven? Have i been running this race that is worthy to be His child? i tend to think quite abit about it. 

Then i realised there's so much to change in my life and so many dark areas in which may be displeasing to God. And i realise there's so much to learn as well. each day, im at awe of how God can use His creative ways to speak to me and how He crafts the way out. but the sad thing is i always only realised that its God working at hand only after i've been through the whole episode and realised that i didnt trust Him enough.

so this season, its time for a change. these days i have met with encounters that i use to flare up upon or become so short tempered about, but whenever im in the midst of it, i was able to tell myself, make a change so that the outcome will be different, or try to attempt to reply or handle the situation without being angry. so i guess i should start with the everyday lifestyle kinda method. it havent been easy to face disappointments or even sometimes anger, but i pray i will overcome it sooner or later. i never know it could be so hard. everytime, i face with disappointments or when some things dont go the way i though they would, i take a deep breathe and think of what i should do. i give in, i change the approach and say its alright. but then these days i have been getting really painful sunken feelings in my lungs like something nudging and seems to be some kind of hollow within me. i guess whenever i vent it out, the feeling is suppressed by the venting out and all.. keeping it in isnt easy, but at least the outcome would be better than it used to be..

yap, so change, constant change and relying on the One who never changes would be the best that i can do i believe. im down to my very last paper next thurs (1st dec) and after that, its really again a time and period for trusting in God of where He will bring me next. Whether or not it will be the place of my choice, im learning to see what doors He will open next and hopefully gain new insights again. everyday, there's a reason to be thankful because each day is filled with opportunities to change and even  use the chances He give us to make a small difference in our lives as well as to the lives of others.

Give thanks (: (: 

No matter who your boss is, you are really working for God.

Whether a not, we have a human figure to act as an authority, we still do our best. Because at the end of the day, God is the one who sees our true effort. Man cant see beyond and its easy to fool men, but its never possible to fool God. yap. and that really encourages me because it tells us that even at times when we are faced with difficult authorities whom we have to submit our commitment to, it can be rather tiring and exhausting when the authorities seem to make life difficult. but then again, we that in mind, we can be encouraged that even when men dont see our efforts or dont appreciate our efforts, God does. And for that, i can be thankful.
These days i have been experiencing rather bad headaches and they can cause me to be so vulnerable at times i seem to lose my balance, but i thank God for sustaining me and bringing me through the long hours at school (: its the last week of school and my last official week at innova Junior College already. its amazing how time flies and all..
haha yap yap. just wanted to share what came upon me as i read odb today (: its time to study, but this time study with the right mind and to study for Him and not for men. (:

what happened?

Today school was alright. it has always been for me and 1031A but the only thing wasnt good was the results and yah how the day started and ended for the school hours. im not too sure exactly why im feeling this way as well or why am i reacting the way i did towards him. i think im being really unreasonable and unfair to him. im just selfish to be exact. 

Recently, i've suddenly realised i seem to be missing the life of being single, of being unattached. i know its really wrong to say that. but its my point of view in general. hmmm i guess i have never been tied down before so i never knew it felt this way. in the past, when i felt terrible during the day, i need not explain to someone or like i can just walk away because im not accountable. But now, somehow everything i do, i have to be accountable, i have to make sure that he is alright with it and i have to be conscious of the things i do and some how there seems to be a limit to it. and i feel i am not doing very well in terms of adapting to it. 

everyone knows the van that is all cherry and hyped up, but at times, i come across moments when i feel down and totally not right, and i like the time i spent alone and all and i need not explain to anyone because i need my space. but nowadays, when i have to explain, i get even more tired because i just dont feel like talking. which makes everything else worse because im starting the fire.

anyway today is one of the days that i seem so depressed all of a sudden and i just cant put a name to it. in front of my class i seem fine because when i see them, somehow that feeling just fades... but after that, it comes back and usually when im alone, i will just be silent and hope it goes.. but then now, when i get silent, i start to hurt him. 

hmmm what am i to do? today's odb talks about renewing our mind and even redirecting every single thought towards God and how it is important to constantly not rely on our own minds, but rather te holy spirit to do the job. and the useful phrase is " This does not meet our needs at this time, or ever" it makes sense. especially in times when we envy, or worry. 

i've got so much to learn about being a child of God. but im glad because today i was able to control and turn away from the temptation. which is a sort of a tiny achievement i guess (: will keep working on it. 

If you use what little you may have
To serve the Lord with all your heart
You will find that He can do great things
When you begin to do your part. —Sper

Character Amnesia

Some people appear to have “character amnesia” of a different sort. When faced with a dilemma, they seem to “forget” the right thing to do and instead choose the easy way out.
i wanna be like job, who refused to curse God no matter the circumstance. And to remained filled with the "blameless" character. 


It isn’t the tranquil and placid seas
That bring out the sailor’s skill;
It’s the wind and waves that pound his ship
And toss it about at will. —Ritter

my heart has turned cold

After all that has been said, after all the years of teaching me what is right from wrong, after making sure ur baby girl was a pure as gold and as clean as chalk, after teaching me the bible values and after all the love u guys have showered, I still disappointed you in the end. I'm sorry. 

In the secret, in the quiet place, in the silence, i knew that You were God, but i failed You time and time again.For all the plans You've made for me, i chose to turn away at the end of the day.. i asked myself why many times.. why, even though i know what i'm supposed to do and the things i should not do... but yet, i fall back time again and then choose to take the path that would stray further away from You. 

And now i feel so cold. i feel that i've lost You. 

You've sent so many warnings. through the people, through the net, through the sermons, through the ministry and through the world. but You still gave me a choice. You taught me to be "in the world, but not of the world". but then... it seems like im drowning... and somehow what dan said was so right.. as you get further and stray away, you lose the voice of God and u cant hear Him anymore. thats when u stray even further...and u play with a greater fire. 

but the bottom line is, repentance. at the end of the day, God will still accept those who love Him and those who choose to admit their wrong doings... maybe i've taken advantage of that. the more i play, the more i feel that its alright and the more i let the world's temptation come upon me, the bigger the fire i choose to play with. but now, im burnt. and the worse thing, empty. 

I guess thats human nature. we all have a manual in our hands, a teacher to guide our steps, parents to share the experiences,a church to pray for us but its never enough. we have to test the waters and we have to play with the fire before we know the depth and the heat that could cause us hurt. and this time, i can feel it.. so many encouragements and talking and praying, they all seemed to have gone down the drain. and maybe those expectations too...

i havent been posting because i know i have failed God. i havent been spending time with Him because i know i wasnt faithful. i dont want to turn to Him for prayer request because i dont think i deserve it at all and i dont think im worthy of His hearing too... so i chose to live life without Him. but to realise it was all the bad situation and the worst decision ever. 

it took me like months to realise that only now. to realise that without God, life is lifeless. once in awhile things float in my mind as reminders, just like the angel and devil thingy in our heads. but nowadays, somehow the angels seem to have given up hope on me alr. and the devil need not even turn up because i give in.. 

i've turned cold towards God i know that full well. but i dont think im gonna let that continue anymore because it high time to get back up and know what to do. which is why, i chose to post this. 

i guess i used to have high expectations. but then as i grew older and my life got more mediocre, they died down. time to get back now and realise whats more important and not to be preoccupied. and of course, not giving anymore excuses for all im doing.

but at lest through these, i've learnt what it feels like to be empty and the painful a fire can be...today is a great lesson learnt, a real big one. a blessing in disguise i guess. 

in the midst of prelims now, quite a bad timing for this to happen, but somehow its good that its happening now  before it gets too late i guess.. 

i'm sorry.