When was the last time I stayed up this late.

When words fail me, and when im confined within the four walls of my own territory, my tears will flow like even a million words can't define.
When my heart can no longer take what my mind is digesting, tears flow again.
When i miss you and there's no one i can call to talk to, my tears come rolling down.
When sometimes you put your heart and soul to trust someone, but yet then again it seemed like one day, some hard truth will be in your face, and all those believe and trust comes tumbling down, all i can do is to let my tears take the pain away.
When no one could see the pain beyond the laughter, i simply hide myself to release those tears once again.
When I get so tired of simply explaining what im going through, tears overwhelms me.
When I need you but i know you cant be there, tears are all that can express how i truly feel.
When I love you, as a friend, as a sister, as a daughter, as a lover, I dont wanna let you see any of my tears.

Im trying to be the best that i can be.
Im trying to change my old ways.
Im trying to be understanding towards all the disappointments i face.
Im trying to be someone who lives a normal life.
Im just trying to be happy.

I guess i never knew how complicated life could be, until all the tears come flowing down. And i never wanted to be seen as weak, so i keep in at times, laugh alittle, joke alittle, but deep within, there are so so so many soft spots within that so easily can be triggered by the slightest mentions of it. Sometimes im tired of being so easily shaken, tired of just being trapped in this cycle where i cant seem to comprehend life at times. And tired of being "me" sometimes.

But definitely, these are just expression of all the negative thoughts within me that i never really expressed to those around. I know that somewhere out there, no matter where, God hears.

There was this song that came across my mind. So you would come- By Darlene from Hillsong

Chorus
Come to the Father
Though your gift is small,
Broken hearts, broken lives,
He will take them all.
The power of the Word,
The power of His blood,
Ev'rything was done
So you would come.

Verse 1
Before the world began,
You were on His mind.
And ev'ry tear you cry
Is precious in His eyes.
Because of His great love,
He gave His only Son,
Ev'rything was done,
So you would come.

Verse 2
Nothing you can do,
Could make Him love you more
And nothing that you've done,
Could make Him close the door.
Because of His great love,
He gave His only Son.
Ev'rything was done,
So you would come. 

And that very line, came straight at me. Just when i needed it.

Yap, so i guess i have to go to bed noww..and when morning comes, life goes on. It always does. Thank God for that, truly, that each day we can live. 

With a contrite heart, 
Van

To watch her grow, is my responsibility.

                  Recently, almost a month ago, i started teaching tuition. First was a girl called Yi Hui, currently primary 1, absolutely intelligent girl and pretty. She is such a joy to teach and i look forward to every session with her. Making lessons enjoyable and fun is my aim in every session. I enjoy making her learn in the fun way. And i believe at the same time, God is teaching me. I used to be that innocent girl, that 7 year old girl who thought that i could conquer the world. Now i see the girl i use to be right in front of my eyes. She doesnt know God, neither did i at that point of time. And whenever i look at her, i think back at the time when i was in her shoes. When 50+31 seemed like the hardest equation. And i miss her. I miss that girl who used to ask why about every single thing, the girl who need not worry, the girl who was mummy's little girl, the girl who was innocently happy. Yap, so its joy teaching Yi Hui because kids at her age are soo.... simple.
              Then came girl number 2, who i only started about 2 weeks ago. Her name is Yan Zi. She is 7 years old currently, but she is different in some ways. She is Dyslexic. And that brought a burden on my heart that i had to help her. She is unique in her own ways and she makes me smile almost all the time. Patience is all that is needed for her to learn and of course attention. She has been through quite alot for a kid of her age. And whenever i think about her, i knew God had a reason to send me there to teach her. Its not easy to teach her, but its not impossible. And i know that if i give up on her, many others would too. So i thought about it, and i wanna make a small difference in her life. Teaching her is fun because she can get goofy in her own little and be so so happy about it. When she smiles at little things even a fly, i smile too. Because i realised that as a 19 year old, many a times i forget the simplicity of having joy. And when i spend time with her, it seems to come back to me all the time. I teach her english and its constantly a challenge for me to go beyond just assessment books and mundane materials. But even through all that, I find it so fulfilling to know that i make a little difference in her life. I wouldnt stop trying because i wanna see her grow.
                Tuition has been one of the items on my schedule that takes up alot of time. Every weekday night i have tuition. Its tiring, yes, but its fulfilling. And so i thank God everyday for the opportunity for me to teach these two girls. Because they widen my horizon bout the world.
               This year, i got my first teacher's present and it felt good knowing that someone out there appreciates your effort. (:

Ever thankful,
Van
               

"Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock"- Isaiah 26:4

So my new journey in SIM started effectively on 13th August 2012, and i was then put into a new environment, new people, and once again it all started again. The cycle of making friends. Similarly to how it was back then when i entered innova, it wasnt my ultimate choice to be there, however i know that God must have a plan and its where He wants me to grow to be more like Him.
Honestly i was once again discouraged by not being able to enter into a local uni of my choice. I've given my all but yet, i did not make it. I use to look back on my education journey and it was always the same. I never did well enough to enter into a college or institute that i wanted, and it was always have to stick to what was left. I was never good enough. But then again, God has a plan. And this message have been revealed to me time and time again. "He has a plan van"- Many said that to me. Therefore even when i feel like i could have done better to get into where i wanna be, i choose to believe that there's a reason for me being where i am today.
Anyways, so i entered into SIM as a undergrad taking Bachelor of Science (Honours) in Economics at the University of London. I have one last shot to give it my all and trust God for all that i will do and get my Honours. And i will put Him first in my education.  For it was once said "I am a christian first, then a student".
Although school have already started for 3 weeks and now i have just be selected for the Student Representative Council (SRC), into the department of my choice, Sports, i am glad to be where i am now.
And to whats ahead, i shall commit it all to Him.

When Satan tempts me to despair,
and tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there,
who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died,
my sinful soul is counted free.
For God, the Just, is satisfied
to look on Him and pardon me.
 - Anonymous

The start of something new.

its beennnn really long ever since i blogged likeeee 4 months i think. And i thought it would be apt to do it now. 4 months has past. many things have happened, so many i cant afford to mention everything, but i know one thing for sure, God was in it through it all. jist basically a real summary, december period i was totally off contact with the cyber world because of a levels and my sis used my com almost all the time because hers broke down. And now time flies and im already in the process of applying to a local uni. i dont know where im heading, and this uncertainty can be rather stressful, but Im sure God already has a planned in mind.
Currently working at a engineering company as a admin and accountant staff and this week will be my last week before i take a breather. yappies. The heading of my blog came along because JC life has come to an end and now its time to move on with a new phase of life, not just in my education, but also in my walk with God.
Just recently, like a month ago, i became a cell leader in LYNC (youth ministry in church) and im wokring with really cute sec 1s and 2s. And it got me alot into thinking about how to become a leader to them and so i started my journey to prepare cell notes and all. But i realised, i was dry, almost dehydrating because i have insufficient spiritual food and water. and i have always been suffering from that.. so from next sat onwards, i will be attending Young Adults where something new begins in my life as well. (: and i hope i will be quenched and fed on God's food.
Many things have changed now at home as well (: but certainly God has remained unchanged. and im thankful for that.. Oh yah and one more thing has changed too. Alv went to army and today marks the official 1 month and 2 days since he enlisted. It has been a rather challenging journey for us both, but God has been sustaining our relationship well and even bringing us closer even though we may not be apart.
Thats pretty much a wrap bout 4 months. In this new year, all i pray for is for my spiritual walk to be closer and more devoted to God. thanking Him in every season.

A time to change for Him

Finally the journey is coming to an end.. the journey in which i have been striving hard for all along the way, and the journey which has also brighten and opened up my eyes to so many things that i have not known before entering innova. I must truly say that i am tired already. but im certainly enriched by how God has brought me through these 2 years all along the way.

These days i have been pondering alot as i watch the tv. what if 2012 is really the year in which the world end? what will become of me and my family and all those i care about? Will i end up in heaven? Have i been running this race that is worthy to be His child? i tend to think quite abit about it. 

Then i realised there's so much to change in my life and so many dark areas in which may be displeasing to God. And i realise there's so much to learn as well. each day, im at awe of how God can use His creative ways to speak to me and how He crafts the way out. but the sad thing is i always only realised that its God working at hand only after i've been through the whole episode and realised that i didnt trust Him enough.

so this season, its time for a change. these days i have met with encounters that i use to flare up upon or become so short tempered about, but whenever im in the midst of it, i was able to tell myself, make a change so that the outcome will be different, or try to attempt to reply or handle the situation without being angry. so i guess i should start with the everyday lifestyle kinda method. it havent been easy to face disappointments or even sometimes anger, but i pray i will overcome it sooner or later. i never know it could be so hard. everytime, i face with disappointments or when some things dont go the way i though they would, i take a deep breathe and think of what i should do. i give in, i change the approach and say its alright. but then these days i have been getting really painful sunken feelings in my lungs like something nudging and seems to be some kind of hollow within me. i guess whenever i vent it out, the feeling is suppressed by the venting out and all.. keeping it in isnt easy, but at least the outcome would be better than it used to be..

yap, so change, constant change and relying on the One who never changes would be the best that i can do i believe. im down to my very last paper next thurs (1st dec) and after that, its really again a time and period for trusting in God of where He will bring me next. Whether or not it will be the place of my choice, im learning to see what doors He will open next and hopefully gain new insights again. everyday, there's a reason to be thankful because each day is filled with opportunities to change and even  use the chances He give us to make a small difference in our lives as well as to the lives of others.

Give thanks (: (: 

No matter who your boss is, you are really working for God.

Whether a not, we have a human figure to act as an authority, we still do our best. Because at the end of the day, God is the one who sees our true effort. Man cant see beyond and its easy to fool men, but its never possible to fool God. yap. and that really encourages me because it tells us that even at times when we are faced with difficult authorities whom we have to submit our commitment to, it can be rather tiring and exhausting when the authorities seem to make life difficult. but then again, we that in mind, we can be encouraged that even when men dont see our efforts or dont appreciate our efforts, God does. And for that, i can be thankful.
These days i have been experiencing rather bad headaches and they can cause me to be so vulnerable at times i seem to lose my balance, but i thank God for sustaining me and bringing me through the long hours at school (: its the last week of school and my last official week at innova Junior College already. its amazing how time flies and all..
haha yap yap. just wanted to share what came upon me as i read odb today (: its time to study, but this time study with the right mind and to study for Him and not for men. (: