We can never go back

Dear Me, 

today you found this blog again and decided to let it come alive again (for don't know what reason). And as of today you are 23 years 1 month and 18 days old. And the only reason why you are here typing this, is probably cause Alv is away in Sweden having the time of his life while you're here alone and finding hard to adapt with the silence. Just like before. It hasnt been smooth. Nope it hasnt. 

3 years down and life is totally different. no more SIM or paper market. Its ADM Year 3, Med Karlek and Vince Music Art Studio. I doubt you saw this coming, but you're here now. And the same question still rings, "what's life ahead gonna be?" and does it have to be the path that every Singaporean grad were to take? 

Graduation
Find a stable job 
Get Married
Have kids 
Sustain your job to raise your kids 
Work to sustain the bills

Is there more to life than striving for materialistic goals? As the age for getting married draws nearer, why does my urge to want a marriage grow smaller? As if there might be more to life than this. 
You and alv havent had the sunniest of days in your time together. And its looking pretty stormy right now. You cant get by a day without a disagreement and you find yourself so imperfect in his eyes. Maybe we're just all tired. and maybe its time to take a break. A good good break.  

But indeed through it all. the good and the bad, God is still faithful. We are down to almost a month or so before the musical "Experiencing God" and there has indeed never been a better encounter than to be part of this musical. So though much has changed, but God has stayed the same. And His love for you, will always be the same just that at times you are stubborn and you dont see it. You choose not to see it cause you only believe in your failures and falls. Times like that, you just need to let God and let God work because you know you can't do this anymore. And only He knows your pain. 

This too shall pass, 
Van 

Always seeking

I tend to wonder off and almost everyday, i ask myself whats next. Whats nexts in line for my life, for my future, and so on. 

Work has been engaging and exciting despite the steep learning curve and long hours of standing. I do love my job. But when i stop and think about all there is, i wonder, what's next. 

I meet all sorts of people at work everyday. But times when i meet people of my age and i see them carrying notes and wearing tees from various local universities, i sink alittle on the inside. Just a little. And all that emotions would just come flooding through. 

Just last night, dad and i had a rather intense discussion ( which we always do), and he asked me this, just ask yourself this question " What do you think all parents want for their children?". The answer, its simple, yet complicated. Because its easier said than done. And there is no perfect parents in the world. 

And when all of the discussion came to an end, i couldnt stop crying. Not because i was sad or i was disappointed with my dad, but because i was thankful. Thankful for what they have provided. And in all these years, i failed to see their care and love. Yet at many times, i failed to make them proud. 

These days i think alot on my part. About my education, my future, my dreams, my ambitions, basically all about life. But it hurts me so bad to know that I cant make my parents happy and i may sometimes be a burden for them. So, once again its really easier said than done. 

Juggling with work and time with the family has been difficult due to the long hours at work. I hardly get to spend time with them and i should have cherished the times we got to spend quality.. 

Well all i ask for is for our family to learn to just see the intentions at heart. 

Anyways, its just a reminder to me every single to be thankful for all the loved ones around us. And recently the family has just convinced grandma to move in with us and in the near 2 years, there will be changes with the who family dynamics again. I'm sure living under the same roof with so many people wont be easy, but its gonna be really fulfilling.

In the road ahead, im not too sure what to expect, but just like the title, im "always seeking". Always seeking the Lord in the direction to go and seek for answers to the questions i have on my mind all the time. Seeking. 

Yet another decade has passed

In exactly 2 hours from now, im hitting 20.
Though im not exactly sure how im suppose to feel when im really 20, but all i know is, its been 2 decades that i've been alive and im thankful to God for every passing year. The past 19 years fly me by so quickly and i just cant imagine its been 19 years already. And in every year, God never failed to show me how much He loved me.

Between 6th Aug and 7th Aug, on the dot of 12 midnight exactly, He brought me into this world. I was known as cinderella baby due to that reason. But it was then decided after that my birth would be 00:01, on the 7th of August. The very day i was born, i was already special (:

There are indeed countless of moments in my life worth praising God for, but im just gonna list majority some of it. hahaha

7th August 1993: I was given a chance at life
10th August 1993: I survived a major asthma attack but unfortunately had to be fed with milk using tubes through my nose.

..... (i dont really have any striking memory of me when i was 1 to 3 years old)

1997: I entered nursery at the JTC office where grandma worked
7th August 1997: I got my first kiss hahaha.

• Story behind it: When a kid celebrates their birthday, they will give out goody bags and in order to receive it, the other kids will have to give a kiss to the birthday boy/ girl. So i definitely got more than A kiss. Loads of kisses (: hahaha 

1999: We moved into our CCK flat which sis and i had our very own exclusive designed room, one in the whole world haha. And i got into Unity Primary School.

2000: The first time i heard of Christianity when we attended my aunt's wedding at St Andrews

2001: The year i accepted Jesus into my life. 

2003- 2004: I found out that I had the gift in singing. And i started to use this gift from God to serve Him in sunday school. 

2006: With His grace, I got into St Margaret's Secondary School, the school i dreamt of entering. 

And the same year i got into the Symphonic Band which made me fall in love with making music with percussion instruments. One of the best years of my life spent in band practices and drills. 

2009: Although my O level results wont up to what i expected to achieve, but God showed me mercy through it all and i managed to get into Innova Junior College which was a life changing experience.

2010: God taught me how to be humble in my years in JC. He put me into the most loving and compassionate class anyone can get. 1031A. We were like a family. And He changed me inside out from the person i used to be in St margs. One with only the elites mindset and all-so-competitive Van to one who learns to accept all the people around her and one who will be loved by the ones around. And He brought to me LIFE group. The one cell group that watched me grow, watch me fall but pull me back up so very quickly on my feet. And LIFE group was a strong foundation of my faith at that point in time. I cant be ever more thankful. For Sarah, Camerine, Elizabeth, Aaron and last but not least Daniel. On a very night when i was worried about my faith and walk with God, praying for an answer, that very night Daniel texted and asked me to join LIFE group. A prayer answered immediately. 

In Year 1 of JC, God also taught me to go beyond my limits and to help me reach for goals i never knew i got achieve. I was so close to getting a Gold for my NAPHA in JC. Just a lack of 1cm in the standing broad jump which caused me to only fall short to a silver. But that alone was a huge achievement for me already. Back in the old days in St Margaret's, i always had problem even just passing my 2.4km and the 5 stations. i dreaded NAPHA. But in JC, i loved it. And the more i ran, the longer i went. My physical fitness was superb and i all i know was, He made it possible. Then came Tennis. The sport i dreamt of playing because of someone i use to love so dearly, loved it too. So i finally got to realize that dream. And God so graciously put me into the competitive team even though i was rather rusty in the my skills. Furthermore, He made me the vice captain of the tennis team. And also the House captain of rasalas. He gave me all that i could ever asked for. JC 1 was really the time of my life i felt like it was perfect. 

And to top it all off,  i met Alvin. 

2011: Then came the nerves for the A levels. Well somehow results have shown that i could have worked harder. but nonetheless, He brought me through it, and gave me results for econs and geog that i didnt expect. I was happy. And in this year, i found my first love. 

2012: It was a rather roller coaster year with all the admissions for uni, but at the end of it all, I got into SIM econs. The course with the smallest number of students because its the toughest. Without any interview, i was accepted. With that, Im thankful. And of course i made many wonderful friends in SIM. 

2013: The year i decided to give up my course in SIM to pursue my passion in the art industry. But the highlight of it all, i got the job in Paper Market which was always one of the jobs i dreamed of working at. And every day at work is new experience and a new adventure for me to learn more about the wonders of scrapbooking. 

4th Aug 2013: Alv made a wonderful surprise by buying the first 2 stalks of roses for my birthday and surprising me with a bunch of my close friends. 

So to sum it all up, my life has been a beautiful and fruitful one. Though there were always roller coasters, but somehow God made the ride smoother.

The one and only love of my life

Amazing bunch of kiddos who surprised me

Nobody is my soulmate

Came across an article online on this really wonderful blog i discovered on FB and then it seems like all the mud has now cleared and it made so much sense about the whole "God doesn't have that one person all planned out for you" sentiment.

I somehow loved this part of the article very much: "There is no biblical basis to indicate that God has one soul mate for you to find and marry. You could have a great marriage with any number of compatible people. There is no ONE PERSON for you. But once you marry someone, that person becomes your one person. As for compatibility, my mom would always pipe up when my girlfriends and I were making our lists of what we wanted in a spouse (dear well meaning Christian adults who thought this would help us not date scumbags: that was a bad idea and wholly unfair to men everywhere) that all that really mattered was that he loved the lord, made you laugh, and was someone you to whom you were attracted. The rest is frosting." 

And this whole article made so much sense to me about why i chose Alv to be that other half for my life as of now and i hope for the rest of my life. He wasn't that figure whom i imagined to be with, he wasnt that all-so-perfect guy every girl would pray for in their 'dream' guy, but the best thing about him, is that he is just right and perfect for me. And i just love everything about being with him. 

Another part of the article that i really loved, was this:" But now I delight in choosing to love him everyday.

I like it better this way, with the pressure on me and not on fate, cosmos, or divinity. I will not fall out of love, cannot fall out of love, because I willingly dived in and I’m choosing daily to stay in. This is my joyous task, my daily decision. This is my marriage."

"I willingly dived in and I'm choosing daily to stay in. This is my my joyous task, my daily decision." 

If one puts her heart to love a man with all she can give, then there isnt anything else in the world that can stop her in believing that the right one. It takes one to make that decision daily to fall in love with her man and to choose to stay in the game diligently. Its not easy maintaining a relationship, but its not impossible. 

Especially now that Alv's in the army, our relationship can be on the edge sometimes. We squabble, we quarrel, we cry, we fight and all kinds of rough patches couples go through, but at the end of the day, we can come back out of all of it and say that we still want to love each other everyday. I believe thats a important foundation of this relationship. And that we both know that we will want to be a part of each others' lives. Well, that is sufficient. 

I believe this article relates to not just me but to many (christian) girls out there who from at a young age wonder about the man that God has planned for her life. 

Article is taken from: http://theartinlife.wordpress.com/2013/07/22/my-husband-is-not-my-soul-mate/

its a whole new roller coaster ride

Well, where should i begin. hmmm, its been like 2 months now since the decision to leave SIM was confirmed and now im happily settled down into this new job that i just got a month ago. At Paper Market. And as many already know im so into the whole art stuff and creative things that i cant stop getting my hands on to, so i've finally sort of did something im in love with. Days when i go to work, i get to be in contact with all sorts of scrapbooking stuff, explain items to customers, and just being happy i could be part of such a wonderful team of staff who all share the same passion for scrapbooking (: Yap and though its tiring at times, (every job is tiring), but i enjoy working alot.
And after the long hours of work, i do my self-reflections on the long bus/ train rides and i start to be so thankful for my life. Though it isnt perfect, but its worthy of thanksgiving to the Lord. And anyway, who's life is perfect right?
And i've been rather positive about the whole going-on-to-the-next-stage-of-my-life topic and how im just keeping an open mind and trust that God will lead the way.
Just 1 and a half weeks ago, alv's cadets finally came in to OCS and that when all of his time is being sucked up with the commitments to serving the nation. it hasnt been easy coping with the whole being-a-understanding-girlfriend thing, but once again as i think about God and put Him as the focus, being understanding towards all of alv's needs seems to be as easy and light as a feather. And i feel happier myself too. Lesser tears shed, lesser reliance over his presence. And me, feeling more independent on my own.
Well i believe in life, everything is simply about your perspective and how one chooses to view a situation. Just like the cup analogy, you may look at it either that its half full, or half empty. And i choose to view it to be half full. And thats sufficient. As long as you choose to remain positive about things of this earth, a smile wont be too far away.
Time really flies so quickly and now its exactly a week til its my birthday. hmmm what should i be expecting as i hit 20? its really alittle unbelievable that im 20 already.. i guess it hasnt really dawned upon me or even digested in me yet about it. What is being 20 like? telling people that you are 17,18 or 19 is totally different from telling someone that you are ALREADY 20.. really really seriously sounds old. And it would mean having to take on the burden of even more adulthood issues and life matters and go on to think about jobs, careers, and probably, just probably marriage hahaha. hmmm its a bittersweet feeling i believe so. On a certain level, somehow im excited to approach all those stages in my life, like thinking about the kind of work i will pertain, or think about planning about the future and all sorts. Burdens that in the past, i never got to experience. but at the same, with all these burdens comes responsibility, and comes of course, money. hmm bittersweet bittersweet.
Anyways this was a random rant on my blog but its a short update about how life has been for me (:

Taking it slowly, step by step

Its been exactly a month now since i've decided and settled on the withdrawal from SIM. This past month have been a very thought provoking month. Because it wasnt just about quitting SIM, it was about, so whats next.
And i've learnt to take it slowly. Take life slowly i mean, and to embrace it. It hadnt been easy coping, there were moments i thought i made a wrong turn, but there were also moment i would give myself a pat on my back and said, "you were courageous enough to do that, so go pursue what you enjoy." Many many moments that i cant seem to remember now, but that that very particular moment in time, my emotions were all so strong. Be it of joy, of sadness, of guilt, of disappointment. But im glad to be where i am today, and actually, very thankful.
I enjoy being able to do things that i never had the time for, such as sitting at starbucks for hours, not studying or rushing up on contents for a particular school module, but just reading a book i love, or simply sitting there watching the day go by. It was enjoyable. Oh and also going for afternoon swims alone and taking time alone to just be with myself. Love that.
In the past there were many moments that i gave away the opportunity to spend on my own. But i must say, its really, pleasingly peaceful and refreshing.
Now all im hoping for is for Paper Market's boss to give me a call soon about my application on the job so i can get more inspiration about artsy stuff. And i hope its a good sign for my next step to come.

It's never easy to be on the right side of the path, but its NOT IMPOSSIBLE

Recently did this up on my wall as a reminder

Lets see, where did i last end off.
i guess its when news just broke out about my withdrawal from SIM i guess. Although all has been said and done, im left with heading down to SIM to sign the withdrawal papers. and that will be the end of the journey there. Like it never happened before.
But well, the past week or so, i've been heading slowly but steadily into the next phase of my life. Preparing myself to ensure and grasp all possibilities that will affirm my decision to head into the arts. Like arts arts. And im starting to get all sketchy and all artsy.
SO the big question is, "Is this what God has in mind? If it is, where will He lead me to?" These are the 2 questions i ask myself every single day. At least 3 times every hour i can be certain.
The past month, juniors from Innova who just finished a level least year applied for their uni application, and so did Isabelle and Joyce, so did Jasmine and so did Alv. Most of which i heard from were good news, and more thankfully for Alv, he received interviews for both the course he applied for. History and Sports Science Management in NTU. And i accompanied him for the interview for the History course. Sitting there at a random table in the heart of NTU's School of Humanities and Social Sciences, all i could think of is, will this be my future.
And everytime i scroll through facebook, i see many dearly loved friends received their acceptance for local uni entry. And i wonder again. Will i be able to share the same joy in the coming year. Its undeniable that im extremely happy for them, but at the same time, i breakdown alittle on the inside.
Because the past one year of my life, i was literally lost in the wilderness. Alone. God-less most of the time. And i drifted.
So as my heading suggested, its never easy to do what is right in God eyes, because we're all made in perfect, but its not impossible. Because Jesus came for that reason. To make us clean again so that we can turn to God once again. So this coming year, and months to come, its time for a revival.
Whatever its gonna take, i hope it pays off. As much as not everyone will understand and comprehend my decision, as long as i know im fixing my eyes on God, thats the main thing. Not by the eyes of men, but by God's standards. only His will meet the cut.
So im definitely looking forward to what's install for me and my journey ahead.

"The choices you make today, lead to your consequences tomorrow"

Love,
Van